By reading the textbook, I know open pane is the part that is known to you and to others, for example, you know a persons name, so does he. The Blind pane includes information that others can see in you, but you cannot see in your self. Other might see you as being very noisy or as using too strong a perfume—something likes that which they don’t tell you. The Hidden pane contains information you wish to keep private, such as a fear of black beetles or your dreams. The Unknown pane includes everything that you and others do not know about yourself. You may have hidden talents, for example, that you have not explored. By understanding the above theory, I realized I was a person who had a lot of hidden area and a little open area. ”The smaller the open area, the poorer the communication and the relationship, the less others know about us, the more difficult it becomes to communicate and for meaningful relationships to be established.”(Burton & Dimbleby, 1996, p.37) To improve my interpersonal communication, I have to work on enlarging the open pane.
All of us have secrets. That is appropriate; many things are best left unsaid. But I conceal so much unnecessarily—because I think others might not respect or like me, when in reality they probably would like me better. So my second task is to overcome the fear of self-disclosing.
Third, I should create some chances to open myself in the daily life. Skill cannot be learned in isolation, practice will assist me in developing. For example, disclosing to my classmates, my boyfriend, perhaps a stranger. I can gradually work up to being more open, starting with telling a friend some facts about my classes or pets. Don't express any opinions or feelings at this stage. When I feel OK doing this, select a trusted friend and tell her what I think and how I feel about a movie, my parents, my occupation, etc. Lastly, practice "here and now" talk with friends, i.e. disclose what I am feeling towards and needing right now from the friend.
Forth, in order to easier find out how the skill development is going, I think I should find a person who I want to make further relationship with her. In order for people to develop close and meaningful relationships penetration must occur. “The social penetration theory is a theory composed by Altman and Taylor in which people are compared to onions. As the outer skin of an onion is peeled away another layer is found beneath it, and if you remove that layer you will expose another layer, and so forth. The same holds true for people; as we get to know someone better we expose more layers of their personality and hence become closer to the core of the individual, or the private self .The outer layers of our personality is the public self, or characteristics that are apparent to people we do not know very well.”(Griffin, 1997, p. 145) Luckily, I found May who is living in a same homestay with me; we both had a lot in common on the surface (outer layer), our tastes in clothes, and preference in music. May and I both decided that we wanted to become closer friends, thus the social penetration would applied in this process.
Fifth, I will keep a diary of my experiences disclosing. Note what feelings and needs I don't disclose. Note which friendships grow the most. Note if certain of my disclosures turn people off? Am I uncomfortable discussing certain things? Note if there are people I avoid interacting with?
To develop a skill is not easy, there might have many potential problems. One problem I think is the time involves. I started this skill development exercise three weeks before handing the assignment, a skill should develop gradually, and the time is too short so it may not see my effort obviously. The second problem is the degree of self-disclosure, how to get the right balance of disclosure and private. I still not sure how to deal with it and I will learn it from the exercise. The last problem I think is the reactions to my change from other people. Some people may think I am strange and can’t adapt to my change. To solve this problem, I will tell the people with whom I am likely to be using a new approach to communicate, and why I am doing it, prepare them for my change.
Description
Disclosures are the fuel of friendship, intimacy, and love. Without disclosures neither friendship, nor intimacy, nor love can exist. The following was written about how I implemented of my plan to develop my self-disclosure skill within 3 weeks.
After reading the textbook and thinking about my test result, I knew that if I want to improve my self-disclosure, I have to work on enlarging the open pane. This required me to communicate, not hiding myself as before. I should overcome my fear, my shyness, I told me:” I can do it. This will be fun.” The saying goes “Nothing ventured, nothing gained”, I should see the potential positive effects rather than the loss. A good attitude was needed.
After discovering the outer layers of each other, May and I came to a mutual understanding that we both wanted to further the relationship and become closer. At first, we just tried to gradually open ourselves. We started off with small talk or some other non-disclosing type of talk which helped to break the ice and got things rolling. We then proceed to a series of low-risk disclosures with occasional medium-risk disclosures thrown in to help create the necessary bonds. High-risk disclosures were fairly rare on the early stage but may pop up occasionally if things were really going well. After about 1 week, both of us were comfortable enough with each other initially to begin to self-disclose deeper information and we started to peel away the layers of the "onion." May and I began to perceive each other as trustworthy and our vulnerability with each other increased as did the self-disclosure. We began with discussing our goals, aspirations, religious beliefs, etc.
Our penetration of each other held true with the breadth and depth of self-disclosure that says “peripheral items are exchanged more frequently and sooner” (Nelson-Jones, 1986, p.54). May and I hanged out all the time together and disclose information frequently, and I found out a lot about her very rapidly. As the layers began to peel away we became more and more vulnerable with each other. I began to tell her things that I would never dream of telling anyone else, even my family, and the behavior was reciprocated back to me by her. Two weeks later, as our penetration continued, it also began to slow down. I found May did not particularly care for my boyfriend, which made me not want to really tell her anything that related to him. I thought this was because we do not have common ground in this aspect of our relationship, I have been dating a guy for almost two years, who I believed I would marry, and she was still searching for a meaningful relationship with "the one." therefore, it was extremely hard to disclose. This definitely had an impact on the level of information we now disclose to each other. From these, I learned that we often disclosure more with people who has the common ground.
When I met a stranger at a party, I said to myself I wouldn’t be shy. I told him my life story and my opinions within 10 minutes of meeting him. How odd it seemed. And finally he escaped from me. This was not a good start of a relationship, from that I learned self-disclosure was a kind of communication which worked best a little at a time. I had to sensitive to the other person’s needs and feeling, to be empathic.
When I communicated with my boyfriend in the first week, I reminded myself I should practice self-disclosure and I gave me a license to blurt out everything to him. Several times he said to me,” You’re doing that communication thing on me.” From his reflection about the discomfort, I thought I was over disclosing. The next week, when I stayed with him, I paid more attention on listening to him, gave him chances to disclose, but he complained that he was disclosing more than I was. This time I made another mistake, I was underdisclosing. I understood that deciding when and how much personal information to disclose was not a simple case, if I couldn’t handle well, not only I would lose the chance to make friend with that stranger, but also lose my boyfriend. I was so regret that I was not prepare well for this part in the methodology section. I should modify it. Then I went to do some reading and found the guideline for disclosure.
Self disclosure is best when it is to the right person-often one who is capable of empathic understanding; to the right degree- you may decide to disclose all or part of your experience; for the right reasons-be sure your goal is to disclose yourself rather than to burden the other or “show off”; at the right time-in hours that are appropriate and when the other is not heavily burdened with his own need; and in the right place-in a location conducive to this kind of communication.(Bolton, 1986, p. 180)
In the following days, I kept these guidelines in mind when I communicated and made a great effort in using disclosing, no complaints again and the relation between my boyfriend went even intimacy.
I was amazed how I was able to self disclose to my friend Jane after nearlly 3 weeks disclosing training. I opened myself to her and revealed things about my past that I very rarely talk about. I found she was able to relate to me and I even led the way for her to reveal things about herself.This gave us a great beginning. One behavior that has hindered my self-disclosure with her was when she told me she was not happy for me when I told her a serious mistake I have made before. Unfortunately, after she did that I have not been able to open myself up anymore. I didn’t take confrontation too well and said nothing at all. I needed to change this by telling her how I felt when she said that to me. If I could do this it would be a big step for me. This was a problem that I didn’t foresee, I should learn how to deal with confrontation, prepare for it.
I kept a diary of my disclosing within these 3 weeks. I found I was easy to disclosure to women than men. I avoid interact with people with different culture, I rarely talked about my family, and I often pushed me to self-disclosing too much and this turned people off. A lot of problems involves in my skill, I need to learn more about confrontation, learn how much I should disclose and to whom the disclosures are made. These were not included in my initial plan, and I will add them in my follow up plan.
Conclusion and reflection
1. Self-disclosure is a process of providing information to another individual. The information that is disclosed includes one's thoughts, feelings, past experiences, and future plans.
2. For me, self-disclosure was the hardest piece of the puzzle, I did not tell people who I really was because I was afraid that they would not like the real me. Plus I had the need to protect myself.
3. I think an ideal self-disclosure (my goal) involves openness, a desire to get closer to another, and an implied trust in the person we're revealing ourselves to. It also can increase self-acceptance.
4. The amount of information we disclose in our interpersonal relationships also influences our relationships. The Johari window is a model that helps us assess the type of information we disclose; whom we make disclosures to and the communication environment we find ourselves in. By using this model, I found I was a person I r who had a lot of hidden area and a little open area.
5. My relationship with my friend May was an example of using the social penetration theory. I thought I understood this theory and did quiet well with disclosing to May. Although the disclosing slowed down in the last week, it was due to the different background. From that, I knew disclosure happened frequently with people had common ground.
6. Although I overcome the mental barrier to communicate with the stranger, I still done badly. I fell in an extreme-overdisclosing and made him escape from me. I realized that self-disclosure couldn’t be used as a mere device to force the other people into a relationship. It was a kind of communication which worked best a little at a time. I should sensitive to the other person’s needs and feeling, to be empathic.
7. I failed to use self-disclosure with my boyfriend in the first two weeks, but with the help of the guidelines, I did better in the last week. During the first week, I made a same mistake (overdisclosing) again. I blurted out everything to him. After he reflected his uncomfortable, I forced myself to listen more, but still fell into another extreme- underdisclosing. In order to solve the problem, I found some guidelines and kept in mind in the following week and got a lot of benefit.
8. I done really well in disclosing to Jane, but a new problem arose. I didn’t know how to deal with confrontation when she said she didn’t like my past behavior. This hindered my disclosing and I couldn’t open myself any more. The lack of prepare for confrontation leaded to my failure.
9. I thought the approach I adopted was quiet successful, such as prepare for disclosing and handle the anxiety, using a method to gradually work up to being more open.
10. I benefited a lot by keeping a diary about my training. From that, I discovered what feelings and needs I didn’t disclose; which friendships grew the most. I also knew certain of my disclosures turn people off and what I was uncomfortable discussing certain things and who I avoid interacting with.
11. Prepared other for my change by telling them I would use a new communication skill gave me a lot of benefits. They would give me feedback and if I done badly, they won’t easily get annoy.
12. There were many shortcomings in my approach. Such as ignore when and how much personal information to disclose, haven’t prepared for confrontation. Those problems made my disclosing failed.
13. I thought my origin goal was appropriate-became openness, got closer to another, and had an implied trust in the person we're revealing ourselves to. My goal also included increasing my self-acceptance. After 3 weeks training, I found I was more open than before, I wouldn’t always hide myself and I would like to share myself with the right person. I got closer to May, my boyfriend by disclosing. During the process of disclosing, a trust had built. I showed some trust in another by making a disclosure that had a little risky, when the other accepted and was supportive about my disclosure, trust was likely to be enhanced. Due to the acceptance by others, my self-acceptance enhanced.
Follow up
1. Although I have enhanced my self-disclosure skill during these 3 weeks, it was not enough. I need to keep using this skill and develop it further, slowly but surely integrate the new behavior into daily relationships with friends, classmates, and family members.
2. Self-disclosures take risks; according to the guideline it is best when it has right reason, to the right person. Self-disclosure will help others to know me, in the future. I should base my choices on a clear understanding of what is desirable and beneficial for the relationship. I should consider who I have disclosed information to, how much I have disclosed, how much can the disclosure hurt me.
3. I will learn how to deal with confrontation, be brave to express how I feel and what I think.
4. In the future, I will learn to express myself clearly and to give useful feedback. Make disclosures clear. Don't assume that others understand what I think, feel and want; no one can read my mind! Avoid unnecessary misunderstanding.
5. Because of the element of risk, disclosure in a relationship should occur gradually. In the future, I should not confide intimate details about me immediately upon meeting someone. Rather, I should reveal a little at a time as I come to trust the other person.
6. Self-disclosure is an important skill. It increases our mental and physical health. “Overwhelming data from therapy, self-help groups, and research labs suggests that sharing our emotions improves our health, helps prevent disease, and lessens our psychological- interpersonal problems.”(Bolton, 1986, p.182)
7. There is a wholesome cycle involving self-disclosure, friendships, and self-acceptance. “First, it is usually helpful to tell the person you are interacting with how he/she is affecting you because sharing your intimate feelings and thoughts usually deepens friendships. Secondly, acceptance by friends and others increases your self-acceptance. Thirdly, as you feel better about yourself, you can self-disclose even more of yourself, leading to closer, more enjoyable relationships. Fourthly, with more feedback, greater security and self-acceptance, you are able to look deeper into yourself and solve more problems.”(Nelson-Jones, 1986, p.54)
8. Having a good self-disclosure skill not only can enhance relationship but also can make effective communication. If we disclose well and get feedback from others, we can be more self-aware and develop a positive self-esteem. Our empathic listening skill might also be enhanced. Sharing brings personal growth, a growth in our knowledge of ourselves and of other, a growth in the bonding of our relationship, and the growth in our sense of our own value.
Reference
Adler, R. B. & Towne, N. (2003).Looking out, looking in. (10th ed.). Wadsworth/Thomson Learning: Belmont.
Bolton, R. (1986). People skills. Australia: Prentice Hall of Australia Pty Limited.
Burton, G., & Dimbleby. R. (1996).Between ourselves: An introduction to interpersonal communication. (2nd ed.).New York:
J W Arrowsmith Ltd.
Nelson-Jones. (1986).Human relationship skills: Training and self-help. Great Britain: Biddles Ltd.
Griffin, E. (1997). A first look at communication theory. New York: McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.