Week 1
Day 5
Dear Diary,
Today I felt so lonely. I all I wanted was someone to visit me or write a letter to me. It seems that since I come to this hospital it is like being in a jail cell with no contact to the ‘outside world’. I am restricted to go wherever I want and I can only go to the library or the recreation ground. Life does seem pretty boring whilst being in the hospital. A few years ago I could do what I wanted. At the moment it seems a bit stupid but I went to the library quite early this morning to read up on euthanasia. I learnt the topic at school but I never really paid attention at school. I was always daydreaming about becoming a famous athlete or joking around with my friends. Whilst reading many books on euthanasia I learnt that voluntary euthanasia was illegal in Britain and many other countries. There are five different types of euthanasia but I was most interested in voluntary euthanasia. Euthanasia was one of the things that were available to me if I wanted to die painlessly and quickly before anything very bad happens to me.
I also read up on motor neurone disease the book claims that it is different in many people. There are many different cases of motor neurone disease, which depends on how long you have had the disease. The disease is hereditary that can affect your body at any time.
Week 1
Day 6
Dear Diary,
I feel determined today to ask the doctor a few questions. I am writing to you early this morning so that I can write back later the answers to the questions that I will ask him. Also my sister is visiting today as the nurse has told me.
I’m back with a few answers that will probably change my view of death for a lifetime. I feel quite depressed now although I can still write the answers because my sister will cheer me up later. The doctor said I would have the use of my arms until the time I die as my case is slightly different to the normal one. I will also have a little extra pain each week until the time comes. One thing he didn’t tell me was that sometimes-motor neurone patients could choke to death or lose the use of all their body and die.
I can’t wait until my sister comes. I hope she brings me something nice and maybe she brings someone with her. I’ll write in you tomorrow and say how it goes tonight.
Week 1
Day 7
Dear Diary,
Last night was great. My sister had brought me a load of puzzle books and a load of treats from home. She had also brought her friend with her she was called Emma. They had all the news from the family and the ‘outside world’. There was bad news though, my mother had been ill for quite a few weeks now and she now is in hospital. The good news is that my younger brother has passed his GCSE’s and is going to college. My sister seemed quite unhappy but she tried to smile for me. I asked her if there is anything wrong but she did not reply.
I felt quite uneasy next to Emma but gave her a smile. I had quite fancied Emma but would she date me in my state? And would I be able to date her? I decided not to ask her and kept on smiling at her. She probably has a boyfriend anyway.
Today I didn’t feel like doing crossword puzzles so I went to the recreation grounds. This time I watched some old men playing poker with playing cards. I asked to join in but I didn’t know how to play as well as they did so I dropped out after losing three games. Cards have never been my favourite game.
Week 2
Day 8
Dear Dairy,
The week so far has been quite boring as usual. I haven’t had a headache for quite a while but I’ll expect one quite soon and it might be really painful. I read up some more about voluntary euthanasia and I am deciding whether to fight for the right to die before my very slow and painful death. Now I have knowledge from the doctor I can make my decision more sensibly. Although I want to die peacefully like many other people, I still can’t decide whether to fight for a peaceful death or not. Who will help me?
I found out that people have won the right to die before but a majority of people has failed. If I do want to die peacefully, I hope I can win the right to die.
Week 2
Day 9
Dear Diary,
I think I want to die peacefully now. I was thinking about suggesting it to the doctor but what if he will not let me try and win the right to die? I decided not to tell the doctor just in case he tries to dissuade me from asking to be killed. I don’t want to kill myself yet but maybe when I am unable to move or I am about to die from choking. I want to go somewhere quiet and think about what to do. I heard that there is a new drawing room downstairs. Maybe I’ll go there tomorrow and think about what I want to do.
Today though, I went to the TV room. I hadn’t been there before but it had been suggested to me a few days ago when the nurse overheard me talking about being bored.
When I went into the TV room in my wheelchair, it was quite dim and the atmosphere was quiet and death like.
The TV was quite small and was bracketed against the wall in the corner of the room covered in dust next to dusty signs saying quiet and no smoking. I was told that there are two TV rooms and this room is twenty years old. Looking around the room I saw five old men sitting in a corner in orange and red armchairs.
There were no windows on the walls giving no natural light and the only light was one strip light on the white ceiling.
Week 2
Day 10
Dear Diary,
As I said I shall be going to the new drawing room for some peace and quiet. You would think that my hospital room was quiet but it isn’t at all, you can hear the nurses, the patients, the computers, everything just does your head in. The drawing room would be a break from all the hustle and bustle.
When I went into the drawing room I saw a paradise. There were no people in there and the atmosphere was bright and airy. This room had been built next to the outside wall of the building so there were many windows and the sun’s rays were pouring in through the windows.
There were several tables in the room surrounded by luxurious chairs. This place looks like a nice place to write my diary in from now on.
I sat and thought for a while and many questions went through my head. What if I die and there will be a cure? What if my case does not win the right to die and I have to die painfully? What if my family doesn’t agree with me? Many questions went through my head but I came to a decision.
I’ll try and win the right to die peacefully. What have I got to lose?
Week 2
Day 11
Dear Diary,
Today I will write a letter to my lawyer to ask for help on arranging this court case with a judge. I think that it is the only official way for me to win the right to carry out voluntary euthanasia. Before writing a letter I phoned his company and was told he was unavailable. I don’t expect to have a reply for this letter too soon but hopefully late this week or early next week.
I think I am allowed to have lunch at the hospital restaurant tomorrow. Normally I am given my dinner in bed but I have been given special permission to go and have a proper dinner, as I am still able to eat solids. I am finding it hard to remember difficult and unwanted things now. I also speak quite differently now as I constantly make mistakes in my speech.
My handwriting has become quite untidy as my hand starts hurting after about ten minutes of writing.
Although I choose to die peacefully, I still worry about the future. I sort of know when I will die, that is what worries me.
Week 2
Day 12
Dear Diary,
I can’t wait to go to the restaurant today. I’ll be able to go and socialise with some other people in the hospital; maybe someone else has motor neurone disease other than me. We can share the experience and talk about what we are going through. Someone will understand what I am going through.
The dinner was great although the room wasn’t. I thought that there would be many people to talk to but there was about twenty people in the room on their own.
The room was well-decorated and welcoming with polite workers. I had some salad but I couldn’t finish the rest, as I felt quite sick. The food was well prepared and cooked. It was just the atmosphere that was bad. All the people in the restaurant were unhappy and someone was sick.
Once I got back to my room I felt lonely. I hope someone will visit me soon.
Week 2
Day 13
Dear Diary,
I’m sure I’ll die soon. The doctor that provides me with the everyday drugs seems to be giving me more. Maybe they are giving me more painkillers to get rid of the pain? Or maybe they are giving me a drug to kill me? Of course not, that’s just stupid. How would they know?
I think I am going mad.
I have written a letter to my family today and I made a get well card for my mother. I am already reassured because I know my sister will write back to me. She’s always been the chatterbox in the family. In the letter I wrote to my brother praising him on how good he did in his GCSE’s and wishing him luck for college. I wrote to my sister talking about life in hospital and how boring it is. I tried to make the letter positive but I found it quite hard.
Week 2
Day 14
Dear Diary,
Earlier this morning I decided to go to the TV room. If possible I’ll try to avoid the windowless dark room and try to go to the ground floor TV room.
Later in the afternoon I did visit the TV room downstairs. It was much more welcoming than the local one and I decided to watch the TV and see what is happening outside of the hospital. The TV was much larger sitting proudly on large table. It sat against the wall next to clear signs saying quiet although there was no sign saying no smoking. That is what made this room negative. The smell of cigarettes was inescapable, it come from the walls, ashtrays and the furniture. The room was well lit with both natural and artificial light. There were two windows wide open, most probably to let the odour escape from the room. This room seemed quite popular, as there was about thirty people in the aeroplane type seats some resting, some sleeping.
On the TV was a news program. There was a news correspondent in an arena talking about something although I could not hear him. Then the memory came flooding back. There was going to a major sports event called SportsAid this month for charity. I was going to take part in the athletics part but my bad luck made me part of the charity to sponsor.
Why did this have to happen to me? Why I have to have a disease?
Week 3
Day 15
Dear Diary,
Today I received a letter from my lawyer Mr. Woodman; he will be visiting tomorrow to talk about voluntary euthanasia. He has to talk about all the things that he and I have to do. I need to avoid talking to anyone about voluntary euthanasia and what I want to do. If I do, they could try and dissuade me or support me and pressurise me, there would be no way what so ever I could even try and win the right to die.
Mr. Woodman has arranged the court case to take place in the hospital in the courtroom in four days time. I am sort of excited about the court case but what it is about worries me. I think I’ll finish writing early today as I have quite a bad headache and my hand is throbbing.
Week 3
Day 16
Dear Diary,
The court case is nearing and I am extremely worried. I didn’t seem to have an extremely bad headache today but last night was very painful and I had to ask for extra painkilling drugs. I don’t think there is much more left for me in life anymore. I had quite a surprise; today my family visited me. They were all happy with their smiles but they were unhappy inside. They most probably don’t love me anyway. They loved the old me. They may say they love but they are only trying to make me happy. Mr Woodman also visited me today. He suggested that I should write a will for my family so that they will benefit from my death. Of course I do feel bad about wanting voluntary euthanasia but my family would understand, I’m sure they will.
I was reminded of the court case in three days time. I didn’t need to be reminded because I already knew – as if I would forget a thing like that- and being reminded made me feel even worse. My death seemed to be almost predictable and I was certain I was going to die. My life seemed to have come to a dead end that will not move out of the way for me to go past.
Week 3
Day 17
Dear Diary,
There is only two days until the court case and I feel like crying. Even though I may not be allowed voluntary euthanasia, it seems that I will win the case. I hope I do because I am prepared to face death no matter how it comes.
Today I decided to go back to the drawing room to do some more thinking. I need to make myself more mentally tough to be able to cope with the court case and death. No one is going to dissuade me now. I’ll leave you early tonight, as I need to prepare some notes for the court case. I know it is two days away but I have never been in a court case and I need to be prepared for it. My hand is really hurting at the moment so I’ll have to go. The drawing room at night seems really dark and gloomy like it is asleep waiting for other people to use their brain insides it.
Week 3
Day 18
Dear Diary,
Today I went to the library for some help on writing my notes. It is very difficult to write with my hands from now on and my headaches keep getting frequent. It has been very difficult to move my arms and speaking is quite a challenge. My throat seems to be hurting too. I get worried because I keep coughing up blood simultaneously. Even if I am allowed voluntary euthanasia I will write in my diary right until the day I die. In the library I went straight to the court case section, I started writing quite a lot about my disease and previous court cases on voluntary euthanasia. With my court case tomorrow I have been told I need to rest, as I will have a busy day tomorrow. Tomorrow will be very busy and I will be in for a very traumatic experience. I really do hope I win the case tomorrow, as I don’t want to die painfully. Mr. Woodman is a very good lawyer reputation wise. He has won many other court cases and lost hardly any. I am quite looking forward to tomorrow as I think about the judge’s reactions and what he will say. Well, good night.
Week 3
Day 19
Dear Diary,
‘Welcome to the court room, who would like to go first?’ That’s what I remember the judge say as we emptied into the well lit room that was so quiet you could smell it.
Mr. Woodman went first and explained why we are here and what I want to do. The judge was just sitting there listening to everything. He seemed to be concentrating on every word said and seemed to be emotionally touched by the words.
I then explained my situation to the solemn judge but I asked someone else to say it because my throat was extremely dry and sore and I couldn’t bear to speak. I was becoming tearful as well because I felt I would lose the case.
The judge seemed to be amazed at what I said and he sat silently for a while. He made two phone calls in the next room and came back looking reassured. He then sat talking to the man next to him silently and then picked up the hammer and bashed the table. Then I heard those words ‘Voluntary euthanasia has been granted to Richard Kennish and shall take place on his own will’. My wish had been granted I was going to die how I wanted, peacefully.
Week 3
Day 20
Dear Diary,
Today I feel very proud of myself. I shall die peacefully and I shall die tomorrow, as I wanted to. The doctors have told me that they will inject me with the killing drug and also add a painkilling drug to the mixture to remove all the added pain. I don’t feel like writing to you anymore as my hand is absolutely throbbing. I suppose this is goodbye. One day maybe someone will read my diary and find out about me. This will be the last time I will write in you or anything else. If anyone finds this diary, I would be very grateful they would take it to my family. Goodbye.
Week 3
Day 21
Richard Kennish passed away this morning at 7:47. His death was very peaceful and he did not suffer any pain. His death was a result of winning his case for voluntary euthanasia and he died without the pain of motor neurone disease.
