“I remember starting out small, wanting to see how much I could take”
Tanya, who is fifteen, said her friends did it and thought it must do something for them so once when she “felt down” she tried it. However I think it is significant that a year eleven pupil said to me,
“I feel sorry that some people would rather feel pain than feel nothing!”
Yet, to end feelings of numbness is not the only reason for self-harm. Motivations vary from distraction from emotional pain or painful thoughts or memories to calming intense feelings. Some people self-harm as punishment for certain thoughts or feelings or because they hope self-punishment will avert punishment from an outside source. Although some people think self-harm is purely for attention, this is never really the case. Most people who self-injure go to great lengths to hide their wounds and scars. Many consider their secret shameful and dread discovery. Others, who show their scars, are often displaying a desperate cry for help, rather than a cry for attention. One expert said,
“If someone is in so much distress and feel so ignored that they only way they can think of to express their pain is by hurting their body, thing is definitely wrong in their life and it is not the time to be making moral judgements about this behaviour.
Others show their scars to the world for expression, not attention. They may do it to express things that they can’t put into words such as the extent of anger, depth of depression or strength of other intense feelings.
What we must remember is that crying out for help or trying to make people understand our feelings is not wrong. How we respond to this cry is crucial! While people are self-harming they delude themselves that what they are doing will help the. Subsequently if they get pity or too much attention it only encourages more self-harming next time anything goes wrong, sometimes leading to reluctance to want to stop self-injuring. In cases such as these they must be brought back to reality, where they can get help but also be shown that what they are doing is seriously wrong and dangerous. If you are a friend of someone who self-harms one way to redirect this behaviour is to shout at your friend, tell the how much it hurts you. Make them promise not to do it again and if they have already broken this promise tell them how angry and upset you are that they would break it. Then calm down, sit down and listen to all their problems and discuss how best to combat them. Always be there for your friend, not just when they self-harm as they might start to believe that by self-harming it is the only way anyone will pay attention.
Although you may feel you are telling tales or putting your friend through more stress, it is really best, where possible, to tell a teacher about the problem. This will surely bring your friend back to reality and even help them get the extra professional help and extra pair of ears to listen. Mindy, who self-harmed since she was twelve, said,
“I used to fight with my mom when she tried to make me go to my counsellor but in the long term it helped a lot and I am thankful for it!”
I asked a pastoral care teacher in our school what the process is when they discover someone self-injuring and is in need of help. She said teachers and parents discuss if the pupil needed counselling and how they could eliminate the problems faced by the pupil. In most cases this is very effective very quickly and many pupils are thankful for the help.
If you self-harm there are many things you can do to kill the habit! First you need to know what is causing your desire to self-harm, and secondly you need to want to stop. So next time you feel like it, examine your feelings, think of how harmful what you are doing is and try one of these suggestions. If you feel angry, a certain kind of violence can be the key to relief as long as it won’t hurt any living thing! You could rip, punch, scream, jump or even mark or tear up a picture of yourself. If you feel depressed or unhappy, relax in a bath to wash away your troubles or read a book to escape to an alternative reality. Do you feel unreal, inhuman or numb? Then feel something without hurting yourself, for example hold ice, chew a hot pepper or take a cold bath. If you want distraction try working on a hobby, a game or on a computer. You might even find a new lease of life through taking up a new hobby. As some people feel they need to see blood and scars and pick scabs, in this case you could draw or paint on yourself or use henna tattoos. These go on as a paste and you can pick them off the next day and they leave a red mark behind.
I hope you have all taken in my advice and information. The number of people disclosing self-harm to Childline has risen 30% in the last year. In view of this it is evidently not a passing fad. It is not fashion, it is not helpful and it is not merely attention seeking. It doesn’t help anyone and whether you or a friend self-harm think of what people really see when they see those scars and the stop it… because you can!
Thank you.