Showing respect by being attentive is a skill I am always trying to perfect due to the fact that not all discussions are really that interesting and sometimes you zone out, but it is something I believe myself to be good at. An example of my being attentive is hard to convey without viewing for yourself but an example happened this last week on Sunday, February 7, my girlfriend and I were talking about her attending a jewelry party on Friday night of the upcoming week. During the talk of who was all attending and party details she asked my opinion on what she should buy if anything, and if I had not been paying attention I most likely would have missed the fact that she stressed three times about a necklace she had seen in the magazine they had passed around, I therefore knew what to say and what necklace to suggest to show I was listening but also could give a detailed opinion on if she really needed another necklace or not.
Calmly explaining ones position in my opinion is honestly one of the hardest things to do, especially in emotionally heated discussions. I am in no way perfect at this technique but it is a skill set I believe I am good at due to quite a lot of practice in my family’s business and tips to help control emotions from numerous books I have read. During this previous week I took part in a heated discussion with one of my brothers during a meeting on February 5:
-Me: I need to sit in on the system making of the wall crew.
-JP: No, you’re stupid. You don’t need to be there at all. I can do it. You don’t know what’s needed.
-Me: I need to sit in because I need to take down all the steps to systemize it.
-JP: No you don’t. My guys can do that.
-Me: No offense but your guys are not detailed enough to get everything down and may forget to put some of the steps. The fact that I’m not one of the crew and don’t know every step is gonna help cause I’m going ask the questions that new guys to the crew will and get more details that new people will need when we hand them the manual to learn.
The tones used in this example can not be conveyed here but do play a major role in this technique, his was harsh and dominating while mine was quieter and patient. It takes patience and understanding of people to stay calm when people make attacks personal and instead of asking for explanations why or accepting good common sense they get aggressive and pushy. Trying to be the “bigger person” even if you’re small of stature is in my opinion an important tool to get your point across and also it shows the people who you are conversing with and even those who are listening in of the quality and maturity you possess.
Withdrawing into complete silence or “shutting down” is a behavior set I have both been told is typical of me and have myself noticed that is typical of me when conversations get emotionally too much for me, my opinions are greatly scoffed, and/or I am attacked personally to the point of not getting anywhere in the conversation. I classify this as a fruitless technique because it does not resolve any issues nor does it leave any good feelings between participants in the conversation. One such event occurred this past week during another company meeting on Monday February 8. The altercation between one of my brothers and I this time had a different ending with our father stepping in to calm the waters. Certain words are changed to keep on a less vulgar level.
-JP: Listen, this is going to be my company. I’m not gonna need people like you working for me. You’re dumb. You don’t know anything about this company.
-Me: Who is it who was trained by Jim? Who was it who takes all the pictures and covers your butt with the inspectors and NRCS?
-JP: I can do all you do and anyone can replace you. All you do is scoop cat litter boxes and clean the house and do flippin paperwork. And as soon as I take over your gonna be fired.
(At this point I shut down and just stared at him, and is where our father stepped in)
Shutting down and withdrawing into ones self is not conducive to a healthy fruitful conversation even if the attacks get personal or stereotypes. The way it was left did not leave either parties feeling listened to or satisfied with how things were settled.
I am admittedly a sarcastic person, this is another fruitless technique observed this week and is honestly one used quite often. It is primarily used within my family and my girlfriend or those I’m comfortable with. An example of this occurred on Sunday February 4. Each morning I text my girlfriend a quick good morning and I love you before heading off to work. That morning I made the mistake of being in a rush and forgetting to. I got an upset phone call asking why not. It went like this:
-KT: “Why didn’t you text me this morning”?
-Me: “I was in a rush and late for work”.
-KT: “A text doesn’t take that long. What were you really doing”?
-Me: “Well aren’t we in a fine mood today! Glad you called babe. I have to go get back to work”.
-KT: “Fine”.
-Me: “Love you too. Bye”.
At times I believe most of us have used sarcasm as a means of being intentionally rude to get our frustration or irritation across but keep our words technically acceptable. It is though a fruitless way to conduct a conversation due to the fact that the paralanguage used is usually easily detectable and upsetting to the receiver.
During this past week the main technique I worked on was the avoidance of sarcasm. Sarcasm is a hard technique to break and am doing much better since this log of watching it. One situation I succeeded at occurred on Tuesday February 9, was again during a discussion with my girlfriend and a main factor in the halting of the fruitless technique was the constructive technique “thinking before speaking”.
-KT: “Why are you at home showering”?
-Me: “I’ve got class”.
-KT: Oh, (lol) sorry I forgot”.
(Think before speaking, correct my sarcastic remark “Well you cant help it since your blonde” and instead…)
-Me: Its ok hun. I’ll call ya after I’m out, ok”?
In conclusion communication is important in all relationships throughout the world as it allows the world to share interests, aspirations, concerns, support one another, organize lives, make decisions, and work together. Effective and constructive communication is vital to obtaining understanding in the entire world not with just the familiar opinions and scenarios but the new and contrasting opinions and scenarios as well.
References
Samovar, Larry A., and Richard E. Porter, eds. Intercultural Communication: A Reader. 10th ed.
Belmont, CA: Wadsworth, 2000.
Martin, Judith N., Thomas K. Nakayama, and Lisa A. Flores, eds. Readings in Intercultural
Communication: Experiences and Contexts. 2d ed. Boston: McGraw-Hill, 2002.
