In the depths of despair

“Gouri! Make us tea, the guests are waiting”, dad shouted from the living room as mom was mopping the floor in the kitchen with her injured back. I glanced at the clock that hung over the arched doorway of our kitchen. It was 11:00 o’ clock in the morning; the weather was rainy which made my mood gloomy. I couldn’t bear to see my mom doing all the work all the time. Not only was she injured but sick as well. While she was taking out the tea pan from the cupboard, I immediately stopped her and brought her to the bedroom to rest. As usual, my dad’s friends came over to do their business which was gambling. He gambled away all his life’s savings including our farm and our old house. The only thing he had left was his family and very little money, just enough to survive.

“Gouri! We are waiting for the damn tea, what’s taking you so long?” dad bawled once again.

Mom got up and rushed into the kitchen, “Where is Arjun when we need him? You can’t serve tea like this showing so much skin in front of all those spiteful gamblers”, mom said tensely.

I grabbed my mom’s hand and took her back to her room, “I’ve had enough, I’m going to go serve the damn tea and come back, and you get back to resting! You definitely need lots of rest “. I hurried out of the bedroom with the tray and down the front hall, pausing just long enough to check my reflection and covered up quickly with my salwar. Dad heard the sound of my foot steps and turned, his scowl changing immediately to a fake smile.

Dad hurriedly came towards me and pulled me closer, “Pooja, for god’s sakes why are you here front of my friends not dressed appropriately, you could have just sent Arjun”. While I was mentioning about Arjun, my dad’s friend Mr. Das shot me a quick glance and winked. He was a tall old man, with a long beard and curly black hair dressed up in white kurta pajama. He had a massive amount of freckles on his face. Mr. Das was the richest gambler of all. He was almost as old as my dad and yet had no family. He was known as the “man” in the village of Kashmir and everybody feared him. As soon as I saw his evil smirk, I stepped back and stood behind the door listening to their conversation.

Dad started serving the tea to everyone and they all went back to playing cards. For a good three minutes they were making deals, laughing and discussing their agreements. All of a sudden, Mr Das took a loud sip of his tea and interrupted, “Your daughter is very stunning, have you thought about her marriage?” I was stunned, I didn’t know what I’d been expecting, but that was not it.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea to even think about Pooja’s marriage until Arjun gets a job, besides who will marry her when we are in this condition”, said Dad miserably as he was putting away his cards.

Mr. Das put away his cup of tea as he chuckled, “Ah, not to worry! Listen to this, how about I make you a deal! Let’s just say I find a man that is just as rich as me and that way she will have a great life. It also benefits the rest of your family”. I collapsed against the wall ...

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“What a great honour you have given us. I don’t know how I will ever repay you!” dad said very anxiously.

Mr Das went towards my dad and gave him a hug. I still didn’t know which man he was referring to but I definitely didn’t have a good feeling about this.

I put my ears as close to the door as possible trying to listen to every single word. “I was talking about myself, I know you will have second thoughts, but think very carefully” said Mr. Das as he was putting his shoes on.

I couldn’t believe what I heard, the most unexpected news from my very own ears. As my initial shock and surprise wore off, a new feeling rose to take its place: anger. Pure, boiling, righteous fury.

All I heard was my dad yelling fiercely to Mr. Das,“I can’t believe you’d say such a thing, get out of my house! I’d rather starve to death than let my daughter marry a man like you!”

I ran up to my room pretending like I never heard anything. I felt my fists clenching involuntarily at my sides. The anger was coursing through me more strongly than ever, hot and bubbling. My dad stormed to the bedroom and shut the door hard. The dinner hour rolled around by the time Arjun came up to my room to check up on me.

“I heard what happened, my dear sister I promise to you, I will find a job as soon as possible so we don’t have to put up with these issues of our father’s misfortunes”.

The following morning, Arjun left early to fulfill his promise he made to me the night before. I stayed in my room, and then wandered around the house, dawdling as I tried to convince myself that everything was going to be fine. I had almost reached the bathroom, lost in thought, when I heard heavy footsteps coming up fast behind me. It was dad, he looked depressed and saddened by what he was about to tell me.

“Pooja, I have been thinking the whole night...about you, your brother and your mom. I think the best thing to do in our situation would be to fulfil Mr. Das’s request”. I did my best to hide my wince of pain at the impact.

Dad walked near the window, stood silent for couple of seconds and continued to tell me about his decision. “Without your marriage, Arjun won’t even think about his marriage and I’d never be able to find a rich man to marry a girl from a poor family”. I forced myself to smile blandly, mentally kicking myself. Before he got the wrong impression, I had to make my intentions clear.

“Dad, I can’t believe I’m hearing these words from you. Do you care about my happiness at all?”

His face darkened immediately, “Pooja, you are just 16 years old and too young to realize such things, I’m your father and I know what’s best for you and for all of us. You will be marrying Mr. Das whether you like it or not”.

No matter what I said, he had already made up his mind and had no intention of changing or considering the other side of the issue. He’d never been so cold and rigid with me before. I was trying to be reasonable, trying to persuade him to reason with me. But he didn’t budge on the matter.

He walked away with no guilt with his stick and cigar in his mouth to the balcony. My only hope was for Arjun to find a job as soon as possible. I took a deep breath trying not to cry. All the air left my body, I felt as though I’d been slapped. There I was starring at the second hand on my watch. The day was getting longer and longer. Suddenly I heard a screechy sound; I could have sworn my heart stopped dead for a good ten seconds. The door slowly opened, it was hard to recognize who it was because of the darkness. I hurried and lit up the candle to see who it was. It was Arjun, I shot him a quick grin to show that I wasn’t worried. He stood near the cupboard, slowly sat down with a gloomy face. I knew what to expect, I didn’t stick around to wait for him to come up with a response. I felt hot tears prickling in my eyes and walked away. I was a safe distance from Arjun, taking a few deep breaths to get my emotions back under control. I came back with no expression on my face. There was nothing else I could do. I saw the look in Arjun’s face, concerned, mortified, humiliated, and ashamed.

He gradually stood up and walked towards me with his shoulders slouched “I’m sorry Pooja, I wasn’t any help at all...I’m sorry for not getting you out of the marriage and I can’t believe its tomorrow. If only I had one more day”, sighed as he walked away.

When I woke up the next morning, I was sure that there was no way of getting out of this issue. It felt like as if I was stuck in a maze running around, trying to find the way out. Before it seemed like Mr. Das would never get out of my house and time went by slow. In a situation like this time seemed to pass by fast, every day was getting worse. I grabbed my toothbrush and started brushing my teeth vigorously, staring at my reflection in the mirror and wondering when things had gotten so out of control. I couldn’t believe it was the day of my wedding, with Mr. Das who was nearly my father’s age. I pushed open the heavy wooden door of the bathroom, trying to think of how I would escape the situation. Before I got to even think, there he was, Mr. Das with an evil smirk on his face. I raised one eyebrow and stared him up and down. I sighed, looking down at my watch getting back to my thoughts. The only question that was in my head was how to get out of this state. I had five hours left to get ready and get married to Mr. Das, the last man I would want to be within this planet. I wished it was a dream, I pinched myself couple of times to make sure. To my luck, it wasn’t.

I went in my bedroom one last time to look at myself in the mirror. I just didn’t seem to come up with a resolution until I looked over at my window. The only option at the moment was to run away somewhere far. Tears sprang to my eyes, but I was smiling too hard to let them fall. I quickly grabbed a suitcase, and threw in whatever was around, jewellery, saris, and a bottle of water. I packed light since I had to be as sneaky as possible. I went downstairs one last time and glanced around. I left a note for my brother on the kitchen table.

“Arjun, I am sorry but this was the best option for me. I don’t know if I will ever see your face again but please take care of yourself, love Pooja”.

While everyone was busy preparing for the marriage in the living room, I exited from the back kitchen door. I looked at the house one last time, having flashbacks of so many memories from childhood till now. It was so unbelievable that I was separating from my family, maybe even Kashmir. It was harder than I thought to get out the back way; it was a jungle-like backyard filled with bugs that I had never seen before. I managed to get out of the bushes with few bug bites and leaves all over my sari.

I headed to the railway station and luckily had just about enough to buy a ticket to Kargil which was the nearest town. I didn’t know anyone that lived there. All I wanted was to get away from this village. It was a hot sunny day, line ups were huge and crammed with homeless people. I gave one of the beggars a piece of bread, it felt good to see someone smile and be happy. As I got on the train, suddenly my triumph didn’t feel as wonderful. All I wanted to do was return back and let them know how sorry I felt. I was so blown away, I couldn’t move. I just sat on the train, totally overcome, and watched the crowds go by. The train was full of people with umbrellas and suit cases who were eager to get going, not caring about who just passed by. Just when the train was about to leave, I hopped off the train and started pushing my way past the excited families, and crowds who were putting their luggage away. I fought my way through the crowd, finally breaking out of it. The buses were too full as any other typical day in India. It was like a piece of candy covered with ants. It was too much of a hassle to wait for a bus as a result I decided to run back home on the most burning day ever. While I was running back home, so many thoughts were going through my mind. The only question that was playing over and over again in my head was “Pooja, what are you doing? Going back to the same dilemma?”. I guess that was my weakness, it was harder to leave than I thought. I definitely did not want to lose my family. I felt as if it was the right thing to do. I took a pause every three blocks and had no energy to run but still managed to keep running.

Finally, I got into my neighbourhood so pleased and glad. I felt relieved until I saw a big crowd surrounding something. It was half a dozen yards away, in a little clearing just beyond the halftime crowd on the sidelines. All of a sudden I see police cars and ambulances coming up the street to pick up two dead bodies. I felt a sinking sensation in the pit of my stomach. I stood still; I didn’t want to see the faces of those dead bodies. I was too horrified to go near my house, actually to be exact too afraid to find out the truth. As I was about to step forward, I heard a woman crying her heart out.

“Your father and Arjun are gone, they are DEAD! You are too late my dear”, someone said from the crowd. My whole body dropped down to the ground.