Parenting Priciples

        There are basically three different types of parenting styles: permissive, dictatorial, and supportive. The permissive parents care about their children but they do not use hardly any restraint or discipline to correct the children's behaviour.  This results in undisciplined children. But, the other extreme of being a dictatorial parent(a severe disciplinarian punishing for little or no reason) is equally as bad because it results in the child's character and creativity and independence being suppressed. It often results in children who once they are old enough rebel against their parent’s principles and who lack the ability to make the best decisions. In some cases it can even result in emotionally disturbed children. The best style of parenting is somewhere in the middle with parents giving firm guidelines and disciplining in love when they are broken while at the same time providing a supportive environment which helps the children to gradually become more responsible and independent. Bruce Narramore calls this style “Biblical parenting” or “loving authority”

THE WILL & STYLES OF DISCIPLINE

        I want to concentrate on 2 areas of discipline: how parents should mold the will of children and the very practical area of what methods of discipline can be used. First, the will.

        The will is the power of decision or the power of choice and parents must be very careful in training the will of the child because this will affect the future usefulness of the child both in this life and the next.  Children build their character block by block through the decisions that they make and how they exercise their will.  "Strength of character consists of two things--power of will and power of self-control." The importance of the will or character building is emphasized by Ellen White when she says that:

Character building is the most important work ever entrusted to human beings, and never before was its diligent study so important as now.  Never was any previous generation called to meet issues so momentous; never before were young men and young women confronted by perils so great as confront them today.

A more contemporary author, Nancy L. Van Pelt says almost the same thing:

         Character building is the most important work of parents, for to a great extent they hold in their own hands the future happiness of their child.  The instruction given in childhood follows a child all through his life, and parents sow the seed which produces good or evil.

A paraphrase of Proverbs 22:6 admonishes us to "Modify the will of the child, the way he is bent, and when he gets to be a teenager, that pattern will stay with him.” Clearly, the development of a child’s will is the most significant thing that parents can do to help their children through life.

        There are two major errors that parents can make when molding the will of children.  The first is that of breaking the spirit and crushing the will through severe discipline and overbearing control.  The second is going to the other extreme and letting the child have his own will without restraint.  Ellen White had strong talk for parents who govern like dictators:

        "Do not give them(the children) the impression that they must submit to control because it is your arbitrary will, because they are weak, and you are strong, because you are the father(or parent), they the children.  If you wish to ruin your family, continue to govern by brute force, and you will surely succeed."

        A lot of the time when harsh discipline is used, it actually produces the very character traits and habits that it  is intended to stop. It teaches kids the deadly principle that when you are angry, the way to react is to strike out in violence. Almost all the authors that I read emphasized the point that parents should never punish their children while they are angry.  Ellen White agrees in Child Guidance that, "You should correct you children in love.  Do not let them have their own way until you get angry, and then punish them.  Such correction only helps on the evil, instead of remedying it." When you discipline in anger, the children are learning from you but, unfortunately they are learning the wrong thing.

        So, harsh discipline has terrible consequences. How about permissiveness?

        Especially in this century, some parents and even some “experts” have thought that there is no need for any physical punishment.  One example is:

        What is wrong with spanking is the lesson it demonstrates.  It teaches children undesirable methods of dealing with frustration.  It dramatically tells them: 'when angry-hit.' Instead of displaying our ingenuity by finding civilized outlets for savage feelings, we give our child a taste of the jungle.

        These authors are concerned about breaking the child's will and they have a very good point. However, being too lenient is just as bad as being too harsh. Charles Swindoll brings out the same point when he says that if you, "Deposit a child into society, having fed him, clothed him, given him his desires, having done nothing to alter or counteract the bent toward evil, he will shame you.  He will bring increased havoc and heartache into a world already scarred by unchecked wickedness." Most of the time, natural consequences and non-physical punishment will be all that they will need. But, in rare instances, a few strong willed kids may need a physically painful memory to help them "will" not to continue in that action.

        In contrast to these harmful extremes, supportive parents can use forms of discipline that will encourage kids to grow and become more responsible for their own decisions. There are at least 4 kind of very creative and effective forms of discipline that we will look at now.

METHODS OF DISCIPLINE

Sixteen-year old Vicky had been dating Jake, an older boy whom her parents considered “questionable company” for her. Vicky and Jake were getting quite serious about each other, and her mother feared that an early marriage between the two would certainly lead both of them into an unhappy future.

   Vicky’s parents considered forbidding their daughter to see Jake, but they knew that she would most certainly rebel and sneak out to be with him. She might even run away just to prove her independence. Her infatuation with Jake seemed to blind her to his insensitivity and laziness. Her parents were convinced that if Vicky had an opportunity to see him as he really was, she could come to a more considered judgment. On the other hand, they had to admit their own evaluation could also be mistaken.

   Instead of forbidding her to see Jake, Vicky’s parents included him in virtually every family activity. Her mother invited him over for dinner every night and on week-end excursions with the family. he was around the house constantly, appearing to enjoy the attention and companionship from the entire family. Vicky’s mother and father even began to enjoy his straightforward manner.

  Vicky, however, became edgy without a minute to herself. Jake was always around. She began to see him in a different light, commenting on his insensitivity to other people’s feelings and his failure to volunteer for any family chores.

  After two and a half months, Vicky told Jake not to see her any more because she was too young to get tied down. she began dating other boys and now wonders what she ever saw in him.

This story illustrates the first method of stopping undesirable behaviour.

        THE SATIATION PRINCIPLE: To stop a child from acting in a particular way, you may allow or insist on him continuing to perform that act until he tires of it. 

        Another example was of a 17-year old boy who ran away with his friend and became a dishwasher. 3 weeks later the police found them. Rather than bringing them back immediately, the parents asked the police to leave them there but keep an eye on them. Very soon, the boys came back with a whole new appreciation for the value of education.

        In high school, my friends and I used to say, “Rules are made to be broken.” This principle destroys the thrill of doing something forbidden and so there is no danger or excitement in it anymore. In addition, kids often get bored very easily especially if they are required to do something as this principle advocates(in certain situations). So, if you require them to do the unwanted behaviour until they hate it(you must not stop before they hate it), they probably won’t want to do it again for a long, long time.  If the undesirable behaviour is harmful, this method should not be used. Our second method is:

        THE EXTINCTION PRINCIPLE: To stop a child from acting in a particular way, you may arrange conditions so that he receives no rewards following the undesired act. 

Dear Ann Landers: I’m writing about the wife who didn’t like it when an old schoolmate greeted her husband with, “If it isn’t Dirty Neck Swanson.” I don’t blame her for not appreciating the nickname dredged up from grammar school.

   You advised Mr. Swanson to tell his old friend with the big mouth to “knock it off.” You said: “When dealing with insensitive clods the direct approach is the only way.”

   I disagree. Cloddish types are heartily encouraged when they discover their needling has struck a raw nerve. Here’s my story:

   When I was 17, I was a shade under 5 feet 5 inches. A few friends began to call me “Shorty”. Dad was afraid I’d develop a complex so he gave me this advice: “Son,” he said, “you will never be stuck with a name you don’t answer to.”

   And he was right. From then on, when I heard “Shorty”, I looked straight ahead and played deaf. Anyone who wanted my attention had to try another name.

   If it worked fro me, I’m sure it will work for other, so please pass it on. --E.B.C.

   Dear E.B.C.: Your Dad was a wise man. I wish I had thought of it. I’ll use his advice the next time I’m asked.

This story illustrates the fact that if there is no enjoyment or benefit that comes from the undesired behaviour, it will stop. This  is also a very useful technique.

        Our third method rewards alternative behaviour.

        THE INCOMPATIBLE ALTERNATIVE PRINCIPLE: To stop a child from acting in a particular way, you may reward an alternative action that is inconsistent with or cannot be performed at the same time as the undesired act.

Every time I tried to wash my Volkswagon, little Becky would hang around, be in the way, and get splashed. I tried to reason with her and then, exasperated, I tried force--that was a mistake. She began to wail. I didn’t want her parents to think I was mistreating her, but I didn’t want her under the hose either.

   Finally, I said, “Becky, how would you like to pretend you’re driving my car in the rain?” She loved playing inside the car(keys removed), especially when I would squirt water at the window. She was out of my way, happy inside the car, and I had a clean car without having to wash a little girl.

As you can see, Becky couldn’t be both inside the car and outside. With an imaginative description, being inside sounded like more fun to Becky, thus eliminating the unwanted behaviour.

Spike was often caught telling lies even though he had been lectured on the importance of telling the truth.

   One day Spike accidentally knocked over his mother’s glass vase breaking it to pieces. When his mother questioned him, he denied all knowledge. A few days later he admitted the truth. His angry mother grounded him for the rest of the month, saying, “You should never have lied to me...This will teach you a lesson.”

  After that Spike seldom admitted the truth when it could possibly do him any harm.

In this case Spike’s lying was rewarded-he didn’t get punished-while at the same time he was punished when he did tell the truth. Spike’s mother could have showed him how much she appreciated him telling her the truth. At the same time, she could have asked him to help pay for the vase’s replacement, thus keeping him responsible for his actions. If you reinforce telling the truth, lying will not be a good option for Spike.

        Our last method deals with ending an unpleasant situation when the behaviour improves.

        THE NEGATIVE REINFORCEMENT PRINCIPLE: To stop a child from acting in a particular way, you may arrange for him to terminate a mild aversive situation immediately by improving his behaviour.

Ella’s parents had a rule that she must be home by one o’clock in the morning from any party or date on a weekend night. An alarm clock was placed in the hall and set for 1:15. If Ella returned home by 1:00 or even shortly thereafter, she would be able to push in the alarm plunger and prevent the alarm from sounding. Only if Ella were late would she be put in the embarrassing position of waking up the rest of the family.

The parents who thought this system up were geniuses. They made an automatic aversive situation that would occur if Ella’s behaviour was wrong while at the same time not depriving themselves of needed sleep.

        A couple other simple examples are sending children to their rooms until they decide that they want to change their attitude at which time they can freely come out. In sports, if a player is misbehaving, he can be benched until he decides to “clean up his act”. The genius of this method is that is connected directly and instantly to the action that we desire changed and immediately reinforces the desired behaviour. This is very effective on the outside behaviour although, it still may take a while for the inside to change. But, that too will change in time.

CONCLUSION

        These 4 methods should be able to solve most, if not all, the disciplinary problems that parents will meet up with. There are many benefits too. You won’t have to always be worried about what your kids are getting into next. You’ll actually be able to enjoy a relationship of trust and friendship with your kids as they grow up. You’ll have more time for providing a stimulating environment. You’ll want to spend time with them and explore different interests and hobbies. And the benefits don’t even stop with your immediate family. Obviously, children raised in this way will develop more confidence and be better able to make decisions and their characters will be enriched. I read a surprising result of this kind of parenting style in Psychology Today. It said that parents who are friendly and supportive when their kids need help are more likely to be the proud parents of popular kids. Pretty cool I’d say.

        Last but by no means least is to pray for your kids and ask for wisdom in how to train them in the right way.  To end with I would like to share a short story told by an outstanding Christian:

"My dad held a responsible position as a railroad official, and when his chief was absent, additional duties fell to him.  One night, knowing that my father would still be at the office, I sneaked in to surprise him. All lights were out except in the chief's office where my father was. Father stood looking out at the lights of the city and at the stars, and something kept me from intruding upon the silence. Soon I could see that he had dropped to his knees at his chief's desk, had buried his face in his hands, and was praying in an audible voice.

        'Dear heavenly Father, before I go home to my beloved wife and two boys, I

want to talk to you. It's about the boys that I need special wisdom.  They seem to be slipping away from our influence and the good habits we have tried to instil. You know all my struggles, my sins, and my many mistakes.  Also you know how much Fred and Harry have cost me already.  You know, too, my quick temper and the discouragement that I fight, but You are my Friend.  You know, too how much I love my truehearted, loving wife, the mother of my sons. These boys will either our joy or our never-ending sorrow. Show us what we can do to lead them back to the narrow way that leads upward to heaven and to glory. If prosperity is ruining our children, take it from us. Bring back our boys, no matter what it must cost-sickness, accident, or even death itself for me, as Jesus gave His life. Let me pay, Lord, but don't take away their mother--I crept out and ran home.  Soon after that Father arrived and seemed his usual self except for a strange peace in his eyes.

        That evening I persuaded my younger brother to go to bed earlier than usual.

Then, I told him what I had heard, how our dad agonized with God, offering to give his life for our salvation.  Soon we both wept, as we knew how much Father would sacrifice for us.  And on our knees we promised God to follow Him and thus become the joy and sunshine of our parents' lives."

        "When you need help in raising your teen-ager, you will find great comfort during the trying periods of adolescence if you can lean on a Higher Power.  But never forget that it isn't the number of prayers we pray that makes the difference to a youth but the difference praying makes in our own lives that will speak to his heart.

        BOOK BIBLIOGRAPHY

Carson, Robert C. & Butcher, James N. Abnormal Psychology and Modern Life,         New York: HarperCollins Publishers Inc., 1992.

Cuthbertson, Dr. Duane. Raising Your Child, Not Your Voice, Wheaton, IL:         Scripture Press Publications, 1986.

Ginott, Between Parent and Child, New York: Avon Publishers, 1956.

Krumboltz, John & Helen. Changing Children’s Behaviour, Englewood Cliffs,         N.J.: Prentice-Hall, Inc., 1972.

Meyer, William J. & Dusek, Jerome B. Child Psychology--A Developmental _        Perspective, Lexington, MA: D.C. Heath and Company, 1979.

Narramore, Bruce. Why Children Misbehave, Grand Rapids, Michigan:         Zondervan Publishing House, 1980.

Swindoll, Charles R. You and Your Child, Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson Inc., 1977.

Van Pelt, Nancy L. The Compleat Parent. Nashville, TN: Southern Publishing         Association, 1976.

White, Ellen. Child Guidance, Nashville, TN:  Southern Publishing         Association, 1954.

White, Ellen. Mind, Character, and Personality, Nashville, TN:         Southern Publishing Association, 1977.

White, Ellen. Education, Nashville, TN: Pacific Press Publishing Association, 1903.

MAGAZINE BIBLIOGRAPHY

Psychology Today, July/August 1993.

        But, when parents administer discipline, it must be clear to the child that the purpose is to help him develop a better character not something the parent releases stress or anger by.  As Cuthbertson says, "We don't beat our children or take out our own frustrations and unresolved problems on them. . .The purpose of corporal punishment is to modify the will so that the child can learn discipline;"

The will is modified by discipline.

In the book Education she also says that,

        Too much management is as bad as too little. The effort to 'break the will' of a child is a terrible mistake.  Minds are constituted differently; while force may secure outward submission, the result with many children is a more determined rebellion of the heart. . .when the control ceases, the character will be found to lack strength and steadfastness.

So, as in most other areas of our lives, we see that the best policy is to use moderation and understanding to correctly develop the will of children. The supportive style as I call it has many benefits. Many textbook suggests that the best way is to be an authoritative parent which means that you provide well defined limits and you use correctional discipline when necessary but it also means that as the child grows and is able to handle it, you let him/her make more and more of their own decisions so that they will know how to govern themselves once they become independent from your guidance.  But just using all these theories and applying them to the children is not enough because the way that children learn the most is by imitation and example.  So, when you are dealing with your children make sure that you are consistent and are a good example of what you are trying to teach the children.  As the old saying goes,"Practice what you preach."          By the time a child leaves a parents care, many of the rules and principles that you have set up should be a part of him that will guide him through life.  As Ellen White says,"The youth must, each for himself, make the choice that shapes his life; and no pains should be spared that he may understand the forces with which he has to deal, and the influences which mold character and destiny." The parents provide the groundwork and the principles for creating and molding a fun and useful life but in the end it is the kids who have to make the final decisions and are responsible for the outcome.

Ellen White warns that,**"They(parents) cannot commit a worse evil than to permit their children to gratify all their childish wishes and fancies, and leave them to follow their own inclinations;"