Courtship in the Victorian Era.

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                                                                                                                       Anna Wrotecka                        

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Courtship in the Victorian Era.

                                                                 

‘All the world loves a lover-but this does not keep the world from watching closely and criticizing severely any breach of good manners...
Any public display of affection anywhere at any time is grossly unrefined. Love is sacred, and it should not be thrown open to the rude comments of strangers’
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                      The Victorian Era is the period of time in English history between the mid- and the late 19th century, covering the 64-year reign of Queen Victoria from 1837 to 1901. Though Queen Victoria's reign over England ended in 1901, when she passed away, the era which bore her name continued on for several more years, creating styles, fashions, and symbols of a gilded age, rich with elegance, splendor, and romance. One of the most fascinating phenomenons in the life of people in the 19th century was the complexity of the etiquette and the set of rules that regulated everything from letter writing to the greeting of friends and acquaintances on the street. The process of courting was like many other social rituals very formalized and publically
supervised element of Victorian life. Naturally it was the leisured classes who paid most attention to the rules of etiquette. The working class was much more flexible and open-minded in this respect.

For the members of the upper and the middle classes Victorian romance and relationships required much more etiquette than the dating of today. An interested gentleman could not simply walk up to a young lady and begin a conversation. Courtship was considered more a career move than a romantic interlude especially for young men, as all of a woman's property reverted to them upon marriage. Since courting was taken so seriously - by both sides, men and women were careful not to lead the other on unnecessarily. ‘Marriages were no longer literally arranged by parents to cement territorial or political alliances, as they had been in earlier centuries; but mothers, aunts, and grandmothers put careful thought into introducing  young people who had compatible interests and comparable social standing’. This is one of the reasons why every Victorian young middle or upper class girl for the first few years of her social life was under her mother's wings or that of another female relative, who also served as her chaperone. The role of such chaperone was not only to protect the girl’s reputation but also to make sure she was introduced to the right men.

From the early years all Victorian women were groomed for this role in life - dutiful wife and mother. Properly trained, they learned to sing, play piano or guitar, dance and be conversant about light literature of the day. They not only learned things like French and the rules of etiquette but also such skills as the art of conversation and the art of silence. Only when they completed their education were they officially available on ‘the marriage market’. Financial or family circumstances sometimes delayed or moved up girls’ debuts, though typically, they ‘came out’ when they were seventeen or eighteen. The presentation at court was one of the most important moments in every young lady’s life and marked the begining of her search for an appropriate husband.

A party, a private dance or a public event such as a county hunt ball were the most often opportunities for young girls to socialize. Among the respectable middle and upper classes, all courtship was essentially conducted in public: at parties, dances, and teas; during afternoon calls; at picnics and musical evenings. Glamorous balls that were organised at that time in England were considered the best occasions to establish new connections and meet attractive, potential partners. ‘Nothing could be compared to the glamour - and to the cost of these extravagant parties, they were full of filthy rich guests dressed in expensive and elaborate costumes – it was not difficult to spot someone interesting’. In the Victorian Age, love was not the main reason for marriage. Proper social status and advancement played the biggest roles, and balls or dances were designed to place children of marrying age in contact with others of their upper status. 

However, just because a young gentleman managed to be introduced to a lady for the purpose of dancing during a ball did not imply that he should assume that he could speak to her at another time or place. This would have been considered to be improper, and if he wished to become better acquainted with the lady, then he would need to drop subtle hints to a mutual friend and possibly arrange for the friend to introduce him, properly.

Great care had to be taken at all of the public affairs, also as not to offend the potential suitor or his family. There were many rules of conduct a proper female had to observe. A typical debutante's day meant she rose at 11 a.m. or 12 noon, ate breakfast in her dressing room, attended a concert or drove in the Park, dined at eight, went to the opera, then to three or four parties until 5 a.m - all under the watchful eye of her chaperone. Under no circumstances could she ever approach people of higher rank, unless she was introduced by a mutual friend. It was a rule that people of lesser rank were always introduced to people of higher rank, and that was only if the higher- ranking person had given his or her permission. Even after being introduced, the person of higher rank did not have to maintain the acquaintance. They could ignore, or 'cut' the person of lower rank.

Courtship advanced by gradations, with couples first speaking, then walking out together, and finally keeping company after mutual attraction had been confirmed. All dates of that time were always supervised, and generally, women were not allowed to be alone with a man until they were engaged. Proper woman would also never rode alone in a closed carriage with a man who was not a relative and she would never call upon an unmarried gentleman at his place of residence. Certainly, she couldn’t also at any kind of circumstances receive a man at home if she was alone. Another family member had to be present in the room. If she had progressed to the stage of courtship in which she walked out with a gentleman, they always walked apart. ‘Private conversations were brief, and usually in the open air – a couple might have dropped behind the rest of the group while walking to church or skate together when everyone was enjoying the frozen river in wintertime’.A gentleman could offer his hand over rough spots, the only contact he was allowed with a woman who was not his fiancée. No impure conversations were held in front of single women and of course no sexual contact was allowed before marriage. Innocence was demanded by men from girls in his class, and most especially from his future wife. Intelligence was not encouraged, nor was any interest in politics.

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Since spending time together without witnesses was to say the least not encouraged it was difficult to really get to know somebody. Cousins had much more freedom to be together and because the Church of England did not prohibit such marriages, a good many cousins fell in love.’Modern euphemisms sometimes mislead readers of  Victorian fiction. In the nineteenth century, ‘making love’  meant ‘flirting’. A ‘lover’  was a suitor or admirer. This was all perfectly respectable; no sexual activity was involved’.

                   Since flirting was usually frowned upon, encouraging the hopes or ...

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