I was able to see Corby for six months without having too much of a problem, since I was dorming at school. When I moved back home, however, things became more difficult, and it did not take long for my father to find out about the relationship. This was the point where my parents turned against me, and gave me a serious ultimatum – either I break up with him or move out. I knew, deep down inside of myself, that I was too strong of a person to succumb to their racism, but I also knew that I was in no position to live on my own, or move in with Corby just yet, who had offered to find a place for us to live together. I, instead, chose to hide my relationship, and have been doing so for a year and a half now.
In order to gain some insight into what may have caused my parents to become the way they are, I must explain more about their backgrounds. My father is currently fifty-nine years old, and is from Portugal. He is very old-fashioned, and, even after living in the United States for over thirty years, has not been “Americanized” at all. He is very strict in his ways, and worst of all, thinks that his way is not just the best way, but is the only way. He can be an incredibly difficult person to deal with, especially if one has opposing views to his. My mother is currently fifty-four years old and is from Peru. She is old-fashioned and uncompromising, as well. Although she understands American culture better than my father, she has strong racist views. She claims that she is not racist, but there is no other word to describe these views. From what I know about Peru, there is much glorification of light-skinned, blonde-haired people. The indigenous people, who are dark-haired and dark-skinned, are usually discriminated against. In any case, both of my parents come from countries that have an old-fashioned way of looking at race. However, this does not completely explain their own racist views, since certainly, not everyone from these two countries is racist.
Personality is defined as “the unique pattern of enduring thoughts, feelings, and actions that characterize a person” (Bernstein et. al., 2002, page 518). Everyone has a different personality, but many personalities have certain aspects in common with one another. Both my parents have their own distinct personalities, but when it comes to the issue of interracial dating and marriage, they feel very much the same way – it is unethical and wrong. How is it that they both have the same view on this topic? There are a number of different reasons, a main one being that they grew up in a time period when race relations caused many problems, and discrimination was prevalent. In addition, they grew up in countries that, unlike the United States, had not been steadily advancing in civil rights. Even today, there is no law prohibiting open discrimination in either Portugal or Peru, or in many other countries for that matter. Therefore, their environments played a role in shaping my parents’ personalities into what they are today. According to the social-cognitive approach, “personality consists mainly of the thoughts and actions we learn through observing and interacting with family and others in social situations” (Bandura & Walters 1963; Funder, 2001b) (Bernstein, page 533). This supports the idea that what my parents observed when they were growing up helped mold them into what they are today.
My own personality, on the other hand, is much different from either one of my parents. Whereas they both have racist attitudes, I do not, and do my best not to hold prejudices against any group of people. I do have certain traits that are like some of my parents’ traits, but for the most part, my overall personality differs from both of them very much. Since I was born and raised in New York, a very diverse place, it makes sense that I would be less discriminatory. I have grown up during a time when everyone, to some extent, is given equal opportunities. My environment has undoubtedly shaped me into being tolerant of racial and ethnic diversity, making me into a person with an open mind. I have always been aware that my parents had strict ways of thinking and closed minds, but their beliefs were never enforced on me. This is most likely why I did not end up having the same mind-set. I believe that environment has played a larger role than hereditary factors in shaping my personality.
In addition to personality, attitude is the factor that creates predispositions in one’s beliefs. “An attitude is the tendency to think, feel, or act positively or negatively toward objects in our environment” (Ajzen, 2001; Eagly & Chaiken, 1998) (Bernstein, page 660). Our attitudes help define how we act towards others, and also our stances on certain issues, which in this case is interracial relationships. Both of my parents act negatively towards interracial relationships, while I, on the other hand, act positively towards them, and see them as a step towards eradicating racism. How are these completely opposite attitudes formed? “Inherited predispositions toward certain temperaments may create an indirect genetic basis for certain attitudes, but the formation of attitudes is influenced mainly by the principles of learning” (Olson et al., 2001) (Bernstein, page 661). If attitudes are primarily developed through learning, it makes sense that our attitudes on the same issue are conflicting, despite the fact that they raised me. This is because, as mentioned earlier, our environments when growing up were completely different. Everyone around them shared the same attitudes, whereas my environment was filled with as diverse attitudes as there were people. It is a fact that children are influenced by their parents during the formation of their own attitudes. This is why parents who are strong racists, and impose their ideas on their children, will create a new generation of racists. In my own case, however, my parents’ views were not severe enough to the point that they were pushing them on me. If the issue of interracial relationships ever did come up, they let it be known that they disapproved, but the stubborn aspect of my personality paid little attention. I often retaliated, but my ideas and beliefs often fell upon deaf ears.
Verification that certain attitudes are attributed to what is learned when growing up is that I encountered the same attitude from another family member at one point. A few years ago, my aunt from my mother’s side of the family, met a male friend of mine who was of black descent. She later told me that having anything to do with black people is not good, because they are not people whom I should have for friends or for boyfriends. She presented me with no adequate reason for her advice, other than that they are just not good people. She is about 15 years older than my mother, and much less Americanized, so I just blamed her attitude on these two reasons. I was not yet aware of my mother’s similar attitude. My aunt and my mother grew up together, and my aunt was sort of a maternal figure to my mother, since they came to the United States together when my mother was only a teenager. Her attitudes, and domineering personality, certainly influenced my mother’s attitudes at a time when she was just forming her own.
Stereotyping is done when a person puts someone else in a particular category, just because they belong to a certain group of people. “Stereotyping often leads to prejudice, which is a positive or negative attitude toward an individual based simply on his or her membership in some group” (Dion, in press) (Bernstein, page 666). My parents have formed stereotypes against black people, and thus, they have stereotyped Corby into fitting into their perception of what most black people are like. Not only do they hold these prejudices, but they believe that everyone else does, too. They said to me that I should not be with him, because being with a black person will only hold me back from what I want to achieve in life. In their minds, everyone holds these same prejudices, and they believe that I will not be able to move forward if I were to have a black husband because we would be discriminated against. To many people today, their “theory” would sound ridiculous, but there is nothing I can tell my parents to make them think differently. “One clear implication of the cognitive and learning theories of prejudice and stereotyping is that members of one group are often ignorant or misinformed about the characteristics of people in other groups” (Miller & Davidson-Podgorny, 1987) (Bernstein, page 668). Considering their upbringings, I have realized that my parents have not had the chance to associate with many people of the black race, making them ignorant to how they really are.
This situation has had both negative and positive consequences for me. One can only imagine the amount of stress that comes with having to hide a relationship from one’s family. The relationship is something that brings me so much joy, yet I cannot share that joy with my family. “Stress is the negative emotional and physiological process that occurs as individuals try to adjust to or deal with stressors” (Taylor, 1999) (Bernstein, pages 487 – 488). The stressor in this situation can be described as a “chronic stressor”, since it continues over a long period of time (Evans, Hygge, & Bullinger, 1995; Levenstein, Smith, & Kaplan, 2001) (Bernstein, page 488). I will have to deal with this stressor until the day when I can come clean and tell my parents, and then deal with the consequence of moving out. Until then, this will be something I have to deal with. How I cope with this stress is very important, considering that I am a college student, and have many additional stressors to deal with at the same time. I use the emotion-focused coping method of distancing, meaning that I try to not let the situation get to me, and I do not think about it too much (Folkman et al. (1986a); S. E. Taylor (1995) (Bernstein, table 13.3, page 499). Thankfully, I have supportive friends who always listen, and offer me advice. Also, Corby is very understanding of the situation, and is extremely patient, so this makes it much easier for me to deal with the stress. Therefore, my “social support network” (Burleson, Albrecht, & Sarason, 1994) (Bernstein, page 499) is great in helping me cope with the stress.
An important consequence that this situation has had on me is the way that it has affected my self-esteem. In many ways, my parents have made me feel like a bad person for dating someone outside of my race. When they found out about it, they said some horrible things to me to make me feel as if I was nobody. I find myself to be an emotionally strong person, so my emotional pain is not apparent from the outside. Although over a year has past since then, I have not forgotten, nor will I ever forget the things they said to me and how I felt. I know that I am not a bad person, but nonetheless, my “self-concept,” or the way I think of myself (Bernstein, et. al., 2002, page 539), has been impacted. I cannot help but think sometimes that I am wrong for what I am doing, and I then have to give myself reasons for why it is not wrong. This is a terrible thing to put myself through time after time, but I am the type of person who values her parents’ approval, and since I am not getting it, I feel that something has to be wrong with what I am doing. They have succeeded in making me think that feeling “good” is “bad,” because my positive self-experience has been negatively evaluated by them (Bernstein, et. al., 2002, page 539). This has caused me to seek approval in other places, such as when I introduce Corby to other people, I look for their approval, in order to make up for the disapproval from my parents.
Despite the negative consequences, there is also a positive consequence from the entire situation. Ironically, it has strengthened the relationship, because we realize that if we can overcome such a difficult obstacle, we can overcome many other things that will face us in the future. I value the relationship very much, and am thankful for having met him because I have been able to realize just how strong and determined of a person I really am.
In conclusion, my experience has certainly been overwhelming, but I feel as if I am dealing with it very well. My parents may be a lost cause when it comes to changing their racist beliefs, but I am not going to allow myself to be subjected to believing the same. It is very hard to not be able to tell my parents about the relationship, but I have found that I have a great amount of social support that has helped me to make the situation easier to deal with. Hopefully, one day, they will be able to accept the relationship, even if it is against what they believe. This situation has only helped to reinforce my belief that all racism and prejudice must be eradicated, so that we can live in a more peaceful world.
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