Firstly, my most disdignified watchmen, under the orders of the demanding constable… myself, caught the two plaintiffs discussing the adorable deeds that they had earlier committed. To re-examine the magnificence and greatly overlooked cruelty of the deeds that slandered poor, beautiful …poor Hero and humiliated poor, gullible… poor Claudio would be rather foolish and witless of me… so as to discontinue. My outstandingly disdignified watchmen brought the horribly dignified plaintiffs to me. Myself and partner Verges, were but presently taught all of the knowledge that my watchmen attained and rode off to act hastily.
Secondly, we arrived disenorderedly by the side of the father of Hero, Leonato. Leonato was also in a unhurried hast and struck us as too disturbed to deal with something involving his daughter. Luckily, we were not predetected by this and marched up to the old chap to explain the predictamence. So pleased the poor soul was to hear our embellished explanations that he referred to I as tedious. To hear this generous complement outhanded, made I very proud indeed and to signify my thanks I bestowed any remaining tediousness on he who offered it to me… the great man and father Leonato. Knowing my outstanding tediousness Leonato offered it to me, to question the incumbent plaintiffs. A role I had no convenience in taking… and so Verges and I, or as I prefer to state as constable… I and Verges, rode back to the jail to interrogate the guilty plaintiffs.
Thou may ask how I knew that the plaintiffs were guilty. I had not heard their confessions with mine own ears but none the less the ears of another had heard the contradictions, these were the ears of the most mistrusted and disdignified watchmen. The testimony of these watchmen made it clear and certain, just as like white and black that the plaintiffs were guilty.
Fourthly and lastly, I, despite knowing of their guiltiness questioned the plaintiffs admirably. This was the first of what is hopefully to be many interrogations to come. From the guilty men, I deciphered their names. I was vigitant and distracting. I triumphantly convinced the judge to share the same opinion as I, and predict the two plaintiffs as guilty. If it were not for mine questioning, the corrupt and villainous Sir Don John would not be fled this night.
In opening, if it wasn’t for I, positioning my watchmen to catch the now jailed plaintiffs before hastily riding to Leonato’s to explain the situation and getting his approval to conduct a trial the outcomes of these recent events may be but quite different. I pray that I conducted the right means of investigation and stole the correct and unjust outcome. I shall and certainly should continue to perform, as the exceptional constable in this district. You should forget not, that I… am a tedious ass. Adieu, I beseech you… until the sun is to rise again.
