Is He or isn't She?

Is He or isn’t She?

By Christine Mitchell

I reach my destination, not really convinced how I should feel, or what I should anticipate! A mid terraced house, unsure of the area, but seems calm. A cold October evening, 5 pm and already the streets are dimly lit, a clear sky above, evidently displaying the dazzling stars that gleam beyond. I approach the house to a very inviting welcome, are they really friendly people or do they not get many visitors? I make my way to the lounge and take a seat, a small table in the corner draped in a lace cloth, a bookshelf that covers one entire wall and bursting to the brim with books. I’m immediately offered refreshments before given the chance to proceed with the interview, “A cup of tea would be great, thanks”.

Where do I start? A very complicated person, whose life is full of twists and turns. Kris, 5ft 8in tall, medium built with shoulder length hair, the kind of hair I would describe a 60’s rock star to have, like Mick Jagger’s, the rough and ready look. Born in London, but you wouldn’t know by her accent, she has more of a neutral tone. She grew up with the feeling of not belonging!

It all started when schooling began, nursery then infants. She just didn’t fit in and her parents didn’t know what to do. “Send her off to boarding school, that’ll change things.” I sit there, listening to every word that is spoken to me. She’s obviously very wounded and distraught by the whole circumstances, as her parents were going through a divorce at this time, but did her mother really feel that this would be the best option, or was it that she didn’t know what else to do, maybe she needed to escape?

She sits opposite me, fidgeting, almost non-stop, legs crossed to one side and then instantaneously switching over to the other, arms folded, and the only time they unfolded is to remove the hair in her eyes, or to twiddle uncontrollably with her fingers. I sense she’s unsure what to tell me, can she trust ME with her life story, who am I anyway? I sympathise with her feelings of overwhelming sadness. I try to reassure her, “I’m not here to judge, I’m here to hear your side of the story and try to understand”. With that in mind, she rises from her chair, and tiptoes to the garden, tip toeing as if wearing stiletto shoes, but she isn’t, she goes outside for yet another cigarette, the cigarette femininely held in one hand, while her other hand is constantly sweeping her hair from her face as the bitter night breeze blows. I guess some thinking time alone. She enters the room, ready to continue. “Where were we?”

After completing school at 16 years old, she decided, “I’d had enough of studying, there’s only so much studying one can do”. After years of not being allowed to play indoors or outdoors with other children, also no television was allowed, study, study, and more study. Her mother wasn’t very happy with this decision, so she moved to the Isle of Man, to be with her dad.

A shock to the system, she arrives in the Isle of Man, with total freedom. Living with her mother in a ‘prison like’ environment, constantly being told what to do, not ...

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A shock to the system, she arrives in the Isle of Man, with total freedom. Living with her mother in a ‘prison like’ environment, constantly being told what to do, not being able to communicate with other youngsters, and also giving the feeling of not being wanted, she just wasn’t good enough, as far as her mother was concerned, she would push and push to get more, how much more can one person give, why did she not accept her?

She starts to squirm more and more, endless cigarette and cups of tea breaks, portraying the fact that something still wasn’t right. “I finally found a group of people that I could relate to, a group of girls there, a group of boys there, and I wanted to be one of them, and they accepted me, that’s when my problems started”. How can she explain to someone else how she’s feeling, when she’s not really sure herself? She withdrew herself once again from the world, in the hope of trying to ‘sort’ herself out. She returned to her flat, alone, trying to cope with and understand the whole situation.

She struggled to cope with life, until she met a friend, who had been in a traumatic relationship, and was now stronger and able to cope, cope with both their life problems. So she married. They had a daughter, Laura. After six years the marriage had came to an end. She had to face up to the truth. She was working at this point as a nurse on a psychiatric ward, where she met Rachel. They worked long, hard hours, and their discussions became more and more intimate. She built up the courage one day, and told Rachel how she felt, and why she had feelings of confusion, Rachel in turn suggested that she take time out, and sort her life out, once and for all. Was there finally a reason for all this madness? She was prepared to find out!

She moved away, away from her past, away from her troubles, perhaps. A fresh new start, did this then mean she had found her true inner self? Were all her problems over, or had they just begun!

Traumatised again; with the whole scenario, having to face the consequences of her decisions. What is expected, expected by friends and family and also that of society? What would be the right choice? Decisions, decisions, She didn’t know what to do, and toyed with the idea of committing suicide.

She is a quiet, but courageous woman, she explains how she had to pick herself up; “I had two options, I get on with my existence, the best way I can, and live with the consequences of my judgments or I give up”. She didn’t give up; she applied for a job as a taxi driver at the local airport, and was offered a position. This was the turning point. She was 32 years old. Was this the beginning of a new life?

She tells me, in a little school girl manner, giggling, her head tilted to one side, implying that she was shy, her arms waving around, not really knowing were to put them, tells me how she was so thrilled when she met a guy called Grant, true love was on the cards, or was it infatuation, from both parties? Intrigued? I was.

Two years into the relationship, two years to demonstrate to the world that this is what she truly sought. She was very excited that now Grant and herself could become a ‘proper’ couple, but Grant decides that he no longer wants to know. Why? Has Grant lost interest?

She sits quietly for a moment pondering over the love she lost, a tear in her eye, a lump in her throat, her partner now understandingly is quick to offer yet another cup of tea, to break the ice, to break that moment of thought that is so traumatising for her. She tiptoes again to the garden for more cigarettes. She comes back strong willed, and ready to continue with her life story.

She tells me how she fell into the arms of Richard, emotionally scarred by the break up of her relationship to her one true love, Grant. It was Richard, a married man with children, who loved her for being herself. She tried to accept that the relationship with Grant was over, and she had to get on with her life, but has she ever come to terms with it? Her relationship to Richard was destined to end, how could there be a future in it? He was married, and she was still really in love with Grant.

Within months of the relationship she decided it wasn’t to be, she again decided to make a new start. At the age of 39, she now lives in Newcastle with her new partner; she is studying at college to become a psychologist. She doesn’t really enjoy watching television, but gets lost in listening to her music, a variety of music from 60’s to Reggae.

At last the time has come when she’s not alone. She can finally talk to other people, people in similar situations, from possibly similar backgrounds. She attends a forum, that’s where she met her partner, not any kind of forum, but a forum for transsexuals. You see Kris was actually born a boy, David Stanley, his life was and is complicated, but more so because of this fact, and the fact that his partner, Deana a woman was too also born a boy.

On my journey home I start to think, now that she’s a woman, she still feels unsure, unsure of what to expect and who she’s going to become, inner feelings of wanting to experiment with being a man, wearing men’s clothes, “But I’m afraid, afraid that I might want to become David again”. What does this mean? Kris’s still not happy. Why? She wanted to be a woman, and now she is. She’s just giving up. Fed up with trying; fed up of trying to prove to others that she had made the right choices in her life. Did she? She now has the body of a woman, but still feels that she’s neither a man nor a woman, somewhere in between. Is that possible? Why go through all of this? Who or what was she really trying to become? Who for, herself or her mother perhaps? Will she ever be happy being herself? Only Kris and time will tell.

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