When I got home Kyle, my younger brother opened the door for me as I had forgotten my key. He told me what had happened and that we both were to do our homework and prepare ourselves for hospital visits and the possibility of being off school tomorrow.
As I climbed the stairs to change out of my uniform I could not help thinking that this was my fault. When we last went to visit Granny, she was very frail. I could see that since Christmas the sparkle had gone from her warm green eyes. Normal things like eating and moving about had become very difficult. She talked to us quite clearly but at night I think she became confused and Grandpa who was 91 had been getting up during the night to help her to the bathroom. I had just thought that it would be easier for her to die, so she would be out of her pain. I felt a lump in my throat now and I said to myself. Pull your self together. I hadn’t even heard any thing yet.
Later on that evening Mum rang to tell us what had actually happened and how everyone was handling the situation, Mum said that she would keep in touch and phone us if there was any news.
Mum and Dad did not come home until after four in the morning, I did not hear them come in but when Mum woke me at six thirty for school, I asked her if there was any news. She said not to mention any thing to Dad because he was still trying to get over the shock of it all. It was as if everyone would turn into monsters if anyone said anything about Granny or her dying. Perhaps this was because everyone thought that this could be the end for Granny, but could not face it. Our family had never experienced a family death.
I went to school and it was as normal a day as you could get under the circumstances. I still had those terrible thoughts in the back of my mind. If she dies, then it would be my fault for having had those thoughts that it would be better for her to die.
Saturday was completely different to any other day. Mum woke us early and told Kyle and I that we were going to visit and stay with our friends, the Davison’s while she went to the hospital, This was because the family was staying with Granny day and night and Mum and Dad thought that sitting with Granny for long periods would be difficult for Kyle and I. The Davison’s were good friends of the family and lived relatively close to the hospital.
After we had lunch with the Davidson’s, Mum drove off to the hospital where Dad, Grandpa and my Uncles had been all night. Kyle and I, with Johnathan and Michael Davison settled down to watch a good TV programme. We had only been there about ten minutes when Mum arrived back.
‘What have you forgot?’ I said as I ran out of the front door not knowing what to expect.
‘Its over.’ She said quietly as she got out of the car.
‘Seriously?’ I said not really knowing what to say. I began thinking, that this was my fault and feeling guilty for my past thoughts.
‘Yes.’ Immediately she gave me a hug and we both started to cry. ‘Dad rang me on the mobile phone a few moments ago. He would like you both to come and support him and to say our final good bye to Granny together. Would you like to come?’ Mum said in a distressed voice. I did not really know what to say so I asked,
`Is Kyle going? I will go if he goes.’
I wanted to go and support Dad but it was as if I was afraid to show my true feelings in case I would be misunderstood. In the end we did go to the hospital. On the way to hospital in the car I could feel my stomach going all -peculiar I think it was something to do with not being able to show my true emotions. What was I going to say to Dad? After all it was not something, which happens to a family every day.
We eventually arrived at the hospital and went in together. I could feel my heart pounding and my stomach was in knots with nerves not knowing what to expect.
We meet Dad in the long and narrow corridor and I immediately burst into tears and so did Dad as I hugged him.
` I have no Mummy. I have no Mummy’ he sobbed.
When we went into see Granny, Dad pulled the curtains open so that we could enter and immediately closed them behind us so that we could have a private time together and not distress other people in the ward. She looked so peaceful that I had to check that she was not breathing to realize what had just happened. Dad said not to make too much noise so not to disturb other people.
When the Funeral Service started we had to stand to sing a hymn. I almost chocked, the singing was so good. I felt this was a tribute to Granny. The burial was even worse; all those people who I had never meet before the funeral coming to speak to me. I had to appear to be pleased to meet them when all I wanted to do was to be on my own for a while. I really felt that something inside me had gone and could not ever be replaced.
