Pause (looks down at her hands)
When we were all about to go you went to the toilet, and we were alone together. I never told you this, well I don’t think I did. He told me I was beautiful. He leant over to me and whispered in my ear. His breath was all warm and alcoholic and he said “Becky, you’re beautiful”. I don’t hold it against you, but when you came back…the moment was ruined. And at the time I was so annoyed at you. You know, I did have change for the taxi, but I was so annoyed at you.
Pause
I used to wonder if you knew about us. I used to get paranoid that his smell lingered in my room, when you’d come in of an evening. We used to talk about all the guys on the course, and I’d pretend I fancied those guys that sat in the corner, the tall dark-haired one and his blonde friend. I didn’t, and you knew it. Everyone else seemed insignificant compared to him. And I guess it was about October that you and Paul started seeing each other. That was great. You were so happy and you were staying at Paul’s every Wednesday and sometimes at the weekend as well. And when you were away, he would stay at ours. I adored him, I really did. It got so intense. And I just wanted to tell you, all the things we did together. You’d tell me about Paul, and about Derby. I just wanted to spill. God, so much. Did you know I was hiding something? Every now and then I think you did.
Pause
It was at least 5 months, we were together whenever when you were away. I knew I should have told you. And then he suggested we go away, just the two of us. Leave the stack of essays and warm beers. Amsterdam. Not go far, stay in Europe, and I felt so comfortable with him. I didn’t really see anything but him. It was infatuation by the February.
Pause
(Laughs) And don’t you remember…you must remember. We went into the centre of town, we went shopping. I didn’t go out that week, not even on Friday, just so I had a bit of money saved up. I ate cuppa soups and egg noodles just so I had some money to get something special. We went into town, to the little shop, the one run by the beautiful old woman. If only we looked like that when we were past seventy. No chance now for me. You still have everything. How’s Paul? I forgot to ask. But that’s why we were in town in the shop, buying underwear. I bought the white chiffon camisole top, with a bow at the back and one at the front, matching knickers. I shouldn’t have eaten that week, then I might have been able to afford the suspender belt too. And he loved it you know, he really did, I could tell. And he was one of those men…well he appreciated it, you know, when you wore it.
Pause (sighs and closes her eyes)
It was that weekend (sighs). I said I was going to stay up in Loughborough, see Ted, maybe Emma if she was about too. Packed up that white camisole top. He bought me that perfume for my birthday, Issey Miyaki, not Hannah. Hannah didn’t even buy me a present, just got a card. He spoilt me. I know the money was just from his parents, but he didn’t have to spend it on me. He did love me, no matter what he said after. I don’t care what, well what everyone in the halls thinks. I know what they’ll be thinking, but I was the one in the relationship. Not them, and I know what you think, but…
Begins to sob, then smiles unconvincingly.
I was his world too. It just got confusing.
Pause
And my god, you should have seen the hotel! (laughs) You would have loved it, no really it was something, the floors, well everything really. We got up to the room, bags came up two minutes later. He opened a bottle of wine and we laughed like, well like we didn’t have to go home ever, and like it would always be like this. I was so happy, you wouldn’t have recognised me, I was that happy. And we made love, and we loved each other, we really…he loved me and I loved him.
Pause
So, the evening and I met Francoise and Alex. They gave me the packages and that was it. I put them, well Francoise helped me. They were so heavy and there were, well there were forty of them. Back for Monday and I didn’t think, well that’s the point I didn’t think because I loved him so much. I’m so sorry, I would. God I wish. God I really wish I’d listened to you, but he was so charming. You knew it too, he was so charming.
