My Mum!
Well! Here I am in our house, alone. Dad has gone out again, he is never home anymore. He just goes out without saying a word, he goes for hours, but what can you do hey? Roger's the same; he just mopes about the house all day, doing nothing as usual. Not helping around the house with cleaning or the washing. Dad's thinking of getting a cleaner, we can't afford one but he thinks we need it. I've told him I will do it after school and weekends, he doesn't listen. He never has. You were good for listening.
You were always the one who was good with money. We're lost without you here. Dad can't manage the money. I'm thinking of doing it, but it's not going to be easy. Dad has quit his job; he says he can't cope anymore, so now we have no income in the house. How are we going to last?
We might sell the house you know? It brings back too many memories, memories of you, which make it hard to tackle each day. You must try to understand, we are not trying to forget you, and it's just easier this way. You love this house; well you loved it until you left it. Why did you leave? I thought you liked it here with us. We were one big happy family. I never thought in a million years you would go and do something like this, something so stupid. Guess I was wrong. Again!
Nothing has changed really since you left. I have decided not to decorate my room, I know you like it how it is, so I think I will keep it the same. Just for you. Don't know why. Well, unless you're looking down on us from up there. I hope you're up there. You deserve to be up there, you've done nothing wrong. You're a good mum. Still.
I know I didn't tell you enough but I do love you. But it's too late to tell you now. I know that, but I had to tell you.
They've caught the evil man who did this. He has gone to prison, for life, well until he comes out, he probably will. You know what the law is like! Don't worry. I'll make sure that he does, for what he has done to you; no one does that to my mum and gets away with it. Don't fear mum, you're safe now.
I just hear you now, calling in my ear, "Laura! Now don't do anything stupid, and be careful." Don't worry I will be careful, I'm doing this for you. You should be grateful.
It's hard mum. Living without you, I didn't think you'd leave me. Ever. You promised me you would never leave me. But you have. I need you mum. I really need you. You said you would be around forever. Thanks a bunch for leaving. It's so selfish.
Mother's day is approaching and I've bought you something really special. It's what you've wanted for ages, but you said you couldn't afford. Well I've saved my pocket money and my wage and I've bought it for you. I guess I am still hoping you will come back one day. Soon! It's the gorgeous sparkly red dress, with the blue diamonds. It suited you beautifully. It reflected your personality, sparkly, bubbly with a hint of mystery. The blue really turned out your gorgeous pearly blue marble eyes, I love your eyes. I've always wanted your eyes, but I can't have them.
I know we had our arguments but I didn't mean anything I said. It was just a nasty reaction. It was anger speaking. I don't hate you at all, I just wanted you to know, and that's all.
It's weird you know, not having you to talk to about girly things. Dad's just no good, you know that, he just gets embarrassed. You were great for talking to mum. I miss you heaps.
I've kept all of your Roy Orbison cd's, I even listen to them. In fact, I listen to them a lot, I feel ...
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I know we had our arguments but I didn't mean anything I said. It was just a nasty reaction. It was anger speaking. I don't hate you at all, I just wanted you to know, and that's all.
It's weird you know, not having you to talk to about girly things. Dad's just no good, you know that, he just gets embarrassed. You were great for talking to mum. I miss you heaps.
I've kept all of your Roy Orbison cd's, I even listen to them. In fact, I listen to them a lot, I feel closer to you when I hear the familiar sounds, I can still hear you singing in the background. You have such a good voice.
I will never forget the last thing I said to you, "Mum, don't be a hero, come back to me," but you, being your stubborn brave self, carried on. And yeah, you saved those people from getting killed, but you were injured. Was there any point? I want you alive, not them!
I will never forget where I was when I found out. I guess it's just one of those things that lives with you forever. When they rang I didn't want to answer I was afraid of the outcome. The hospital said, well, that basically, that you had gone off to a better place. I remember I went mad. I told them this is the best place for you. This is where you need to be, here with us, and all they said, all they said was "sorry we did everything we could". I didn't believe them at the time, I thought they had taken away my one and only friend in life, and I couldn't forgive them for that. I wasn't ready to say goodbye, I am still not ready to say goodbye.
I cried for days and nights. I had nightmares, I dreamt of you lying in hospital, your face was all messed up. I didn't want to see any more. I was so scared for you. I know it's silly but I've kept all of the letters that have come for you, I guess I'm still hoping inside, you will come home, and everything will be alright. There'll be no problems. I'll do anything to have you back. Anything!
Dad doesn't mean anything he says to you either. He regrets it all. It was anger speaking again. We all say things regret afterwards. It's just part of life I guess, but I never had time to tell you just how I feel. Now I never will be able to. Where are you mum?
I've got your phone fixed for you at last. Now all it needs is someone to use it.
I hope you don't mind but I'm using your favourite teddy as a comfort blanket, sort of. I sleep with it. It smells of you, and I like that. But one day, the smell will fade away and you will be gone. But you will always be in my heart and I will never forget you. Never!
I wonder if you can remember anything. I wonder if you can remember me, Roger, dad or if you've forgotten us all, I'm sure you haven't, right?!
I've still got my job. I've stuck at it. It helps because it takes my mind off everything that is happening to me, but it is hard to concentrate at times, and I break down. Everyone is being supportive but behind my back is a different story. I know they're saying nasty stuff about dad, saying he's useless and no good for us. But I just ignore them. I know the truth and that's all that matters, and I carry on, best I can.
I still warm up your wheat bag for you. I get it just the temperature, not too hot, not too cold, just right. I do it to keep the bed warm for you, I know how much you hate being cold in bed, and having cold toes.
Dad is sleeping on the settee. He says the bed brings back too many memories of you. Don't get me wrong, he doesn't want to forget you, but, it just makes it that little bit easier for him, you understand, don't you? You always did understand if Roger or I had been told off at school. You always comforts us, dad just shouts, remember? I guess dad is a bit more understanding now that this has happened. But he will never be you. No one will ever take your place. Never!
Oh yeah before I forget this is a song that I've found. It just sums you up perfectly, and it's basically what I think of you. Don't worry it's nice. Here goes,
# You taught me everything and anything I'd need to know, I'll always keep warm inside me. You're burning fresh in my life. You told me I could be anything or anyone I wanted to be, I'll keep you by my side. You were there for me, to love and care for me when times were grey. When I was down, you were always there, to comfort me. No one else can be what you have been to me, you'll always be my mother. Mother, you know I love you, you know I love you mother. Mother you're the queen of my heart, your love is tears from the stars. Mother I just want you to know, loving you's like food to my soul. You showed me right from wrong, you were there for me, when no one cared for me, you always understood. There were so many times when I was looking back that I was afraid, and then you would come to me and tell me I could face anything. I'm never gonna cope a day without you. It fills me up just thinking of you. I never thought, I would have to go a day without my mother#
Well I hope you like it.
I'm so confused. I just don't understand how you can be taken away from us, from me, just like that, it's not fair. I want you back. If you can be taken away so quick and sudden, then why can't you be brought back so quick and sudden? I still believe you will come back, come home, and I'll wait until you do, I'll wait forever, I will never let you go. Never!
Our family has done nothing wrong to deserve it, we were good helpful, caring and loving to each other and strangers, yet we are still being punished. It doesn't make sense mum. I guess it's just one of those things that just happens. I wish it hadn't happened, but I never thought it would be my mum that was taken away. It's something that you expect to happen to other people. Not us! Not now! Not ever! Do you see, this is all wrong, it's all wrong!!
I'm too young for this mum, I can't cope. I'm not ready for this disaster, but I suppose I never will be. It's happened and I will unfortunately have to live with it, just like the rest of the family, but I shouldn't have to, I shouldn't have to live with it, and I shouldn't have to come to terms with it. No! No! I shouldn't! We shouldn't! No one should have to go through this, it's un-necessary torture.
I'm sorry if I seem angry with you, I just don't understand why you have left us. But I now understand that you didn't have a choice, and that you didn't do it on purpose, and I suppose you have gone to do good else where, where ever you are. They are very lucky people to have you, very lucky. They better appreciate you, and take care of you. If they don't I will sort them out when it's my turn, because I've also realised that everybody dies some time, some day, and I guess it's good that you went the way you did, because now people can remember you for what you are, which is a brave, understanding, loving mother, who would give anything to help others, even her own life, when she had done nothing wrong, and just wanted to help people. But we still need you!
Anyway, when I go up to town I still expect to see you coming out of those charity shops, with a big grin on your face. You would shout "Laura, Laura! I've had a bargain! You will never guess" Then you would go on to tell me what you had bought and at what price. You always did love your bargains didn't you? Well I don't blame you. We all do.
Well you will never guess what I saw today, I saw a pair of kickers, yes I know your favourite, black leather with a flat sole, I can't believe they were just your size as well, only one pair, now is that amazing or what, so I went to have a look at them, I tell you the things I do for you. I went into a charity shop, yeah I know, I hate those places but I went in for you, you're worth it though. They were a bargain as well. They're sitting on your bedroom floor at home. I cleaned them for you, they are all black and shiny, people would think they were new. But they are missing one very important and vital thing. You! All they need is a small pair of perky feet to wear them. Any offers?
People say to me still, "Ooh you look more and more like your mother every day", now other daughters would be like "Don't say are you trying to insult me", but I'm like, "Ooh thank you', it's an honour to look like you mum, you're gorgeous, I'm proud to be you're daughter, and I want the whole world to know it.
The pantry door is always left open now, because you're not here, you always shut it, so flies and dirt couldn't get on the food, I don't like eating the food anymore.
I've been late for school for the past few days, because you're usually here to wake me up, to switch my light on, and to sing so you are sure I'm awake. Some mornings I wake up and think, "Mum will be up in a minute", but you don't come. It's strange.
At the moment I'm trying to write a speech for you "going away party", as dad calls it, don't get me wrong, it's easy because there is just so much good stuff to write about you, and so little bad points. It's just too long so I have to cut it down, I don't want people falling asleep on me. Dad is struggling to write his, it makes him upset, so I've offered to help, but it won't be the same if I write it, it has to come from the husbands heart, but dad just can't focus.
I tried on the dress that I bought you for mother's day, it's a perfect fit, you always said stuff looked nicer on me, but I never believed you, this dress will only look nice in someone special, and that someone special is you! You always are nicking my clothes, but I don't mind cause you always washed them, and got them looking just as new for me.
When I was little and I got hurt, you are always there to make me feel better, and clean me up, well you were always there, now I have no one.
Your funeral, there I said it, anyway it has made me realise just how important family is, and it's times like these where I realise how much I need you and my family at this difficult time. You really did look after us, and take care of us didn't you I'm thankful for that I really am, dad and Roger are to. It's sad because I have only just realised how much work you actually did, and if it takes something like this to make people realise important things then something is wrong with the world.
I always thought that when I grow up, I would have my mother and father at my wedding, but now I can't so I suppose that I will have to get on without you, it's going to be very hard, and I don't want to. But as long as I have my friends to look after me and to help me along the way I should be ok, because I am going to need help, I really am, we all are.
It's strange going shopping without you, you always tell me what looks nice, and what doesn't, and you always helped me out with money, I miss that.
Anyway I could go on all day but I'm not going to. I'm probably boring you, sorry if I am, but I just had to tell you how I feel and how I always will feel. I am going to miss you heaps mum, and I already am. As soon as I was born I realised how much I loved you. Love is a special bond and it can never be broken, and especially are bond, that will last forever. I have loved you since the moment I clapped eyes on you, and I have loved you ever since that day, and I am going to love you forever and for eternity. You will always be a part of me and of our family no one can take that away from you, and your flame will always burn brightly in my life it will never go out, my heart longs for you. Take care mum. I'll never ever forget you. I'm sure I'll see you soon, one sunny bright day and I can't wait it will be a glorious day and I hope you will be there waiting for me, I'm sure you will. You will always be my mum. Anyone can be a mother but it takes someone special to be a mum. I love you loads. Goodbye for now! I will never forget. Never.
