“I am sure… I cannot see or hear him, anywhere“! “I know, I’m going to
call the police”.
It seemed to take an age for the phone to answer at the police station…
“It’s my son, Charlie, I can’t find him… he’s three years old, nearly
four… what?… about ten minutes… no… I’m not sure… he has fair hair
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and brown eyes… what was he wearing? … em … little blue shorts and a
white T-shirt and oh… he had his white trainers on…, yes, I’ve looked
everywhere that I can think of … please hurry“!
It’s so hot today, but I suppose it would be for August, it’s Charlie‘s
birthday in a couple of weeks. I don’t remember it being this hot for a
long while, well not since1976. I remember that year so well. I was only
just twenty, life was so good and the weather made it seem even better. It
was the first year that I had watched the tennis at Wimbledon all the way
through to the finals. Oh and, even the tarmac was soft under foot, seeing
things distort in front of you as the heat waves cause changes in the air,
just like a car engine that has been running for hours on a hot sunny day,
like today…… to day… to day. Where have I been for the last moments,
am I crazy, I should be thinking of Charlie, oh my beautiful baby boy!
My head is starting to spin, the urge to vomit is welling up in my throat.
I am feeling so helpless, feeling I should be searching for my baby, but I
seem to be transfixed to the spot. I don’t know why I am feeling so
helpless. I need my husband, why is it taking him so long to get home.
No, I needed to think… what was I doing before I realised Charlie was
not around, when was the last time he had touched or spoke to me?
My mind was screaming so much that it was not allowing me to think.
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oooOooo
I heard the key turn in the front door. It was only last weekend that I had
started to paint the door as it had become scuffed with Charlie’s trike.
He had wanted to help, he loved to help, always curious and getting into
to things that he shouldn’t, my little ………………… “Mummy, look,
it’s on my nose” he had chuckled… oh how I love him! Oh god Charlie,
where are you?
oooOooo
“I’ve looked everywhere in the house and outside in the gardens. I didn’t
look any further from the house in case he turned up somewhere, like
under the bed or something”. “Don’t shout at me Russell… how dare
you imply that this is my fault”! I don’t need this, this isn’t helping. It’s
ok for him at work all day, comes home and changes into his casual
clothes and then relaxes for the evening. When does my day stop, when
does my responsibilities end and when can I switch off. Maybe I did
switch off… …
I can hear people around me, but they seem so far away. Why can’t they
find my baby. They say they are calling the doctor to calm me down, I
don’t need calming down for God’s sake!
oooOooo
Their voices are now just echoes fading away into the distance. I really
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need to just shut my eyes for a few minutes, it will give me time to think.
Things like this don’t happen to us, they just don’t. I was starting to
remember stories of missing children and wondered what those parents
had been feeling, how they had coped. As I thought for longer I was
gathering gloom in my mind, awful things, nothing positive came into
view. Just the most nastiest thoughts imaginable, hardly thinkable.
I started to think about the time that a child, around the same age as
Charlie, had got stuck down a narrow unused well. It has been situated in
the back of her parents garden. The opening was so narrow, who would
have thought that a child of three years would be able to fall down that
hole? Only twelve inches wide. The little girl, I remember had been
down there for about fifty four hours. Just imagine……oh my god!
oooOooo
As I woke up it felt I was still in a dream and that I would awake
properly in a minute and Charlie would come running over. I sat up and
took a look round. I saw Russell sitting there with his head in his hands.
He wasn’t crying… …just still, motionless. His hair tussled and pushed
back, looking so unkempt. It looks like he has just got out of bed!
“Russell” I waited for a response, staring at him with anxious eyes. “What
is happening?” I look at the clock and it is five hours since I noticed my
baby was not around. “Russell“… …why doesn’t he answer? “Where
are they… what are they doing… where‘s Charlie”?
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