“Why?”
“Because it involves two of his friends, one of which is around 2 foot shorter than Mr Freeman and his other friend.”
“Show me!” I knew this was going to happen. But she was already laughing, and I’m a sucker for someone who thinks I’m even slightly funny. I sighed.
“Okay, hold on. I’ll go get my laptop!”
It was definitely worth it. With tears coming down our faces, I managed to mutter that we should probably get going if we didn’t want to miss the movie. More laughter. Okay, we were really going to have to go. We managed to make it out the door. I was more awake now, and in a much better mood. Facebook always cheered me up, in a masochistic kind of way. I knew I was going to have to pay one day if I didn’t stop doing things like teachers. On the other hand, I had to do something to make school a bit more interesting. I was growing tired of the same repetition day after day.
“You know you can use your oyster card the other way round?” Huh? What a random thing to say. It took me about a second to remember who I was talking to and respond.
“What with the picture facing down?”
“Yep. So no one sees your picture.”
“Oh, cool.”
Ugh, the bus was coming. I hate buses to this very day. Crammed into a small space with about twenty people you don’t know. Well, on the bus it was. I couldn’t wait until I could drive. That would be perhaps the happiest day of my life. Damn the law in England.
“Oh my God! Look! That guy! We saw him before, remember? The one that looked like Eugene from Big Brother?” So it was. But why the hell should we care? Other than the fact that we take say, a smile, from a stranger as consent to harass them for the duration of the bus journey. And there we had it, a smile! Oh joy…
“Ah, can we go sit near him?”
“Why?! You’re so dumb! One of these days you’re going to be abducted and taken back to the mother ship.”
She laughed. “Mother ship!” Another laugh. “Please?” I couldn’t be bothered to argue and, hell, stalking – I mean talking – to complete strangers was usually pretty fun. So off we went. Perhaps this was the decision responsible for the creepiest thirty minutes of my life?
“Why is he looking at us?” She asked.
“Because we’re pointing and laughing at him while guessing his name?” Still, he was pretty weird. We both began uncontrollable giggling. I wondered if I’d ever get tired of being this weird and immature. Not likely. He was just an innocent thirty-something year old man trying to use public transport. Innocent.
“Oh for goodness sake. Come on, he’s such a freak.”
“He’s not- okay, why is he laughing?” My voice turned into a whisper. “What the hell? Is he laughing at us? Okay, he is definitely laughing at us. Oh my goodness. He has no social etiquette at all. You can’t just join in someone’s conversation or laugh at their jokes. You could at least introduce yourself.” The bus stopped again. Only a few more stops and then we would be free to run as far away as possible.
Almost everyone left the bus. Why did everyone always get off at the same stop? It was as if they had some kind of conspiracy against us. Great. So it was just us. And this weirdo.
He moved over so he was sitting directly opposite us. “You alright ladies?” Ha. His voice was weird. Not how I expected it. He didn’t look the type but he was very…cockney.
“Um…yeah.”
“Good. Going anywhere nice?”
“Uh…just to a friend’s house.” A lie. Lies are always good. I was already sorting through fake names in my head. I hate it when this happens.
“Oh right. I’m just going down for an interview at that pub down Enfield town, you know? The Goose at the George? That one.”
“Oh, yeah…right.” Why do people find it so hard to take a hint? We were avoiding eye contact and giving the shortest answer possible without being outright rude.
“Maybe you could come and have a drink with me sometime.” Yeah, right. That was going to happen. Freaking idiot. He’s in his thirties for goodness sake! Even if he thinks we’re sixteen, the law isn’t against it but it’s still not morally right is it? To harass 16 year olds on the bus? I don’t care who started the harassing.
“You going to give us free drinks?” Danielle giggled. It was always me who had to do the talking. At least she wasn’t still looking away. She had gotten us into this. By all rights, she should be the one who has to answer his stupid questions…with his stupid accent.
“Maybe if we were friends or something.”
“We’re practically friends now.” Danielle finally spoke! Thank the Lord.
“Yeah, we’re practically a couple!” That was so not cool. I already disliked the man. I hate it when people take jokes too far. That was too far. It wasn’t funny. And it’s certainly not okay to say that to a complete stranger.”
After more probing questions concerning our social lives…and of course ages, he wouldn’t want to get into any trouble, the bus stopped. It would have probably have been best to say we were twelve and run away but, of course, we had chosen humour over that and all of our pathetic excuses for jokes had led him to believe we were ‘of age’.
“So girls, can I have your number?” I looked at Danielle. Her face reflected how I felt. Disgust?
“Er – I’ve lost my phone.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah, and I left mine at home and I don’t know my number…” Only the latter was true. I was already anxious that my phone would start to ring.
“Maybe I can give you mine.” I really just wanted to go to the cinema now. Mr Freeman’s profile picture was great, but it couldn’t keep my spirits high through this.
“Well, we don’t have our phones so we obviously have nowhere to put it.” I linked arms with Danielle and began walking away.
“Well, I can write it down!” Now I had a dilemma. I could either be patient and take his number (probably continuing around a corner by spitting on it and tearing it to shreds) or I could kick him in such a place that most men would double over in pain.
It took a lot of willpower to smile along with Danielle. Well, to be honest, I was still a little amused. It was times like these when I understood why I got strange looks from almost everyone I knew. He was clearly very desperate. Poor man. As I watched him asking every single person at the bus stop to lend him a pen, I began imagining his life. No kids. No job. Ex-wife took everything he had ever held dear. Including his cat of eight years.
“Here you go! Call me, yeah!” Oh, great. All pity was gone and replaced by anger as the sound of his voice shot out once again.
“Yeah.”
I can honestly say I’ve never been more relieved to be walking down a random street in my life. By far the strangest bus experience so far. Strange, strange man. I went to throw it away only to be reprimanded by Danielle. I sighed. It was true, we probably would end up calling him. Not meeting up or anything like that, we were not stupid, but just to have some fun. I entered the number into my phone with another sigh and threw the piece of paper into the nearest bin.
