Renewal - I still remember that night, lying motionless on my bed and staring blankly into the void

would miss me when I was gone? Each saw the pain seeping from the very core of my being, and laughed at me. I don’t want to be here anymore.  As I lay on my bed, I analyzed everything that had happened. The timeline of my life unfolded before me and I finally understood what it all meant. I think that in that moment I realized what love was. I knew what the beating of my heart really meant and understood the vast impossibility of my own existence but I didn’t know what to do with my new found soul, and I could never comprehend the idea of happiness when it seemed that so much misery was hiding in it’s shadow. These are the decisions I have now made. I can hold no one person accountable for the predicament I find myself in but I also can find no solace in the few who have not left my side. I see every mistake and every regret sprawled out in front of me, and the more I try to push them away, the more they weave themselves into the cracks of my skin. I can feel myself slipping and I forget where I am. Each second feels like an eternity and each breath more painful than the last. I wanted this to end.  There seems something so comforting to me about emptiness, the inability to feel or do anything. I long to surrender, to throw myself into the great abyss of darkness, never to shoulder the burden of life again, never to take another breath. I need never attend another day of school, or work to stay alive. I need never watch another sunrise or wish on a shooting star. I need never see the white and blue of the ocean waves or feel the sand between my toes. I need never admire the falling leaves of autumn or feel alive in the warm summer rain. Never. I have counted  all the times I’ve ever laughed and it was as if counting sheep before my final sleep. I have remembered all the times they made me smile, and all the times I wished a night would never end. I hear the muffled voices of my family and friends reaching through my walls, pulling me back to reality, and as I begin to fall into a sleep that I never anticipated waking from, a tear trickled down my cheek, and I cried for the first in along time. The tears kept coming long after my eyes closed, until I became frightened, I was afraid of every thing I was leaving behind and only one thought persisted as my body seemed to shut down, as each of it’s senses dulled. I didn’t want to die. Looking back now, the memory of that night rises as a bad dream, a silly culmination of repressed  emotions.   As I opened my eyes, the morning after, my room had been flooded in sunlight, despite the closed door and drawn curtains. I suppose deep down, I had never really wanted to give up, however it was a bittersweet victory. That night didn’t really change my outlook on life, or blind me to the cruelness of the world, but I certainly learned to appreciate my life for what it was. I’ve discovered that feeling sorry for oneself is a waste of what little time one may have. On that new morning when I walked outside I was greeted by a chorus of songbirds together with the rays of the summer sun. Everything smelled fresh and new and the clouds formed tiny islands in the sky as far as the eye could see. Butterflies traced patterns through the air and flowers bloomed in the cracks of the concrete driveway. I smiled for the first in a long time, as I thought to myself, that this place isn’t so bad after all.