“Enough for two men.” The doctor thumped him all over with a stethoscope and said. “I’m going to have you X-rayed and I may need to call in a specialist.”
Over the next three weeks the bald patch grew bigger, until he was almost completely bald save a halo of hair, and the suggestion of a face became more clearly marked on it. Ian once again visited his doctor and found a specialist in the consultation room examining X-ray plates against the light. “No doubt about it Nicol.” said the specialist, “you are splitting in two down the middle.”
Ian considered this coolly, “That’s not unusual is it?” he asked.
“Oh it happens more than you would suppose. Among Bacteria and Viruses it’s very common though it’s certainly less frequent among riveters. I suggest you go into hospital where the process can complete itself without annoyance for your wife or embarrassment to yourself. Think it over.”
Ian thought it over and admitted himself into hospital where he was put into a small ward and given a nurse to attend him for the specialist was greatly interested in his case. As the division proceeded more specialists were called in to see exactly what was happening. At first Ian ate and drank with a greed that both appalled and sickened those who saw it. After consuming three times his own normal bulk for three days on end, he fell into a coma which lasted until the split was complete. Gradually the lodes of his brain separated and a bone shutter formed between them. The face on the back of his head grew eyelashes and a jaw. What at first seemed a cancer of the heart became another heart. Convulsively the spine doubled itself.
In a puzzled way the specialists charted the stages of the process and discussed the cause. A German consultant said that life was freeing itself from the vicissitudes of sexual reproduction; a physiatrist said it was an extreme form of schizophrenia, a psychoanalyst that it was an ordinary twining process which had been delayed by a severe case of prenatal sibling rivalry. When the split was complete, two thin Ian Nicols lay together on the bed.
The resentment each felt for the other had not been foreseen or guarded against. In bed the original Ian Nicol could be recognized by his position (he lay on the right of the bed), but as soon as both men were strong enough to walk each claimed ownership of Birth Certificate, credit cards, clothes, wife and Insurance benefits. One day in the hospital grounds they started fighting. A crowd of patients, orderlies and visiting relatives soon accumulated and a considerably enterprising paediatrician started calling bets on the two Nicols. It had occurred to him that whichever won, whether or not it had been his original Nicol of choice, he could still claim his winnings as no one could prove which was which. In the end they were evenly matched and there were equal conflicting opinions as to who won eventually resulting in a minor commotion, the paediatrician received a convenient emergency exempting him from any cross examination.
On leaving the hospital they took legal action against each other for theft of identity. The case was resolved by a medical examination which showed one of them had no navel. The second Ian Nicol changed his name by deed poll and is now called Macbeth and has a successful career as an usher on a cruise ship. Sometimes he and Ian Nicol write to each other. The latest news is that each has found a bald patch on the back of his head.
Elizabeth Dougall
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