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Through The Eyes Of A Rape Victim

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Danielle Dixon English Coursework : Creative Writing Through The Eyes Of A Rape Victim I search myself but know that no answers will ever come about, I don't understand where that surge of evil that ruined my life came from or why, and I know that there'll be information that I will never be able to access because no-one knows except him. Acceptance? How do I accept what happened to me? Answer, I don't, I pretend it never happened, I pretend it is a figment of my imagination, do I really need that five minutes of my life back anyway? It would be so much easier to forget if it wasn't some kind of haunting spirit that kept visiting me night after night and preventing me from leading any kind of normal life. I appear on the outside to be absolutely happy, bubbly and normal but in my depths there is a dark, cold emptiness that will never be able to be filled by anyone, anything. Rape. Such an evil, destructive act one which I have encountered and was almost killed by. The hardest thing I have ever had to admit to. The only thing in my life for which I blame myself completely but know that it was no fault of mine. I can't make the situation any better for myself either, I still feel so dirty, so used, so disposed of, I will never be able to tell him how much I hate him, and what an evil bastard he is that is if he doesn't already know. ...read more.


and disbelief of my family who don't care about or believe a single word that comes out of my mouth, because I am obviously twisted enough to lie about something as serious as rape. But if that is the case at least they should know who I got it from. However, being raped opened my eyes to the world around me, made me realise what evil really exists in this place we call home. I don't trust anyone now, I can't even trust myself because in my head is this constant, repetitive drone of "You lead him on. You made him think you were interested. You flirted with him." although I know it isn't true an even if it wasn't he didn't have a right to do what he did, I was fourteen and no matter what he did, even the six months of the abuse prior to the rape when he was touching me, kissing me, nibbling me, talking dirty to me, all of that was illegal, and I can't understand why I didn't leave because of that, it took an offence like rape to make me leave. Yet another thing I can't forgive myself for. My philosophy is normally to look on the bright side of life, but I have had extreme difficulty trying to find a bright side of this. The only thing I have is the fact that it was only once and that it was me rather than someone else. ...read more.


Here and Now however, I feel I am much better, still no-one know except my very few close friends and my boyfriend, people who I feel actually need to know and understand why I sometimes go weird and drift off back to that little cold room where he raped me, there will always be a small part of my locked in that room with him forever. I don't know exactly how to let that part of me out, that part might be my virginity, something which can never be returned. I told people who noticed the scars all the way up my arms from me getting angry about what happened. Cutting myself repetitively because I blame myself and need some form of release. Bleeding out some of my pain. I told my boyfriend because I sometimes can't sleep and have really bad nightmares. Many times have I had a bad nightmare and he had to hold me down to control me, I kick him and hit him until I finally wake up and realise whats going on. He then has to hold me constantly until I go to sleep again. The only thing I can say now is life goes on, I know that I will never be truly happy again until the day when that evil violation of my body is gone out of my head forever. I don't how long it will take but when it does go, then I will be able to lead a normal life. ?? ?? ?? ?? ...read more.

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