Pursuasive speech - The British Royal Association of Teaching Standards aka B.R.A.T.S have come to the conclusion that Priestnall school is failing to meet even the barest minimum requirements of our highly recommended Child Appraisal Scheme.

University Degree Education and Teaching

My lords, ladies, noblemen and Dr Nelmes, we the British Royal Association of Teaching Standards aka B.R.A.T.S have come to the conclusion that Priestnall school is failing to meet even the barest minimum requirements of our highly recommended Child Appraisal Scheme. This scheme was established in connection with the eminently approved NSPCC organisation worldwide; therefore it is necessary that it be obliged.

Recently, an internal inspection was carried out on said school, in which our elite force of undercover students infiltrated your domain to survey the teaching standards – which as a matter of interest shocked even the most experienced of our international warfare spies. Furthermore, our establishment is currently on 24-hour red alert after seven out of our twenty student spies failed to return from your establishment, however to your credit, this is decidedly better than the number of casualties we suffered when we internally assessed Stockport Grammar Private School. As a result of a mobile phone conversation with one of our currently ‘detentioned’ elite spies, we have reason to believe that the other six student hostages are being forcibly held against their will in such useless pastimes as after school library club, homework club, war hammer club, Christian focus groups, extra curricular activities, revision sessions etc, etc, etc and not forgetting seemingly pointless detentions applicable to all study subjects. We also regret to inform that the mobile phone with which our undercover student reported his findings has consequently been seized by a certain Mrs J L Windsor please refer to our wax model believed to be head of the so called English department – we are warning any remaining elite students with which we still have contact to be wary of this character.

Subsequently, after intense scrutiny of the reports, which managed to reach us, we have come to the conclusion that it is predominantly the unjust actions and behaviour of Priestnall’s teaching staff that is threatening the schools chances of passing our child appraisal scheme. Therefore, we are requesting that the child governors of Priestnall look to rethink their staffing register and hire more worthy teachers that are somewhat nicer - for want of a better word - than the current ones employed at the school. Our Specification below highlights the model teacher, although we do realize that it is difficult for ...

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Specification 1: (Matthew hits board with metre stick) The Model Subject Teacher

Has a young, outgoing and friendly character.
Always makes lessons simple and fun.
Allow students to listen to the radio and watch the television if possible.
Only teaches for 20 out of the full 60 minutes.
Dismisses class early.
Allows eating, drinking and especially chewing in lessons.
Has a snack bar in their classroom selling cheap fizzy beverages, crisps, sweets and other sugary edibles, which students may purchase and consume at any time during the lesson.
Refrains from conducting after school clubs in their specialized subjects.
Never sets homework or research tasks.
Never conducts internal tests or monitors student progress.

Note: Ideally the model subject teacher will undertake a campaign for the abolishment of nationally controlled examinations.

Specification 2: (Faye hits board with metre stick) The Model Pastoral Leader

Terminates weekly assemblies.
Arrange weekly outings for students.
Protests for shorter lesson times and an earlier finishing school time.
Never has the need to address the year students for unacceptable behaviour.
Does not give his (slash) her form tutors a form time schedule.

Specification 3: (Charlotte hits board with metre stick) The Model Head teacher

Does not employ staff, which do not fit the criteria of the above specifications.
Ends the parent governor association (never to be resurrected)
Does not authorize the administration of examinations within his/her school.
Fails to sanction any misbehaviour.
Supplies each student with a mini disk player as opposed to textbooks and lesson equipment.
Arranges cost free overseas trips and other outings which all have no educational benefits.
Installs tea and coffee machines around school as not only teachers enjoy hot drinks in the cold winter months.

As stated before the specifications above are only intended as guidelines, although it would be more beneficial for the school to meet as many of them as possible for ease of passing Ofsted and NSPCC inspections.

Naturally, it is our policy to ensure that all areas of school life are correctly monitored and problem points rectified. Therefore, it was brought to our attention by one of our escaped elite spies that Priestnall’s school day is in fact long and tiring for students and teachers alike – restricting after school social time to a minimum. In view of this recent development, we are requesting that arrangements are made so that the school hours can be adjusted to fit more reasonable time spaces. A later start of 10:30 would be much more convenient to the longer ‘lie inners’ and an earlier finishing time of about 2: 10 will leave students with enough hours in the day for socialisation as well as doing their homework if it has to be set. It is a common fact that in the teenage mind, friends and social life come before homework tasks, thus by enforcing earlier finish times students will have their required amount of time to socialize and ‘hang out’ to then use the rest of that designated time space in which to complete their homework.

As an extra note longer breaks and lunches which serve more appetizing food choices will lift school spirit and make the teaching environment a happier place for all involved.

To sum up the main points of this prospectus, we believe that Priestnall School is currently not in the realms of meeting our Child Appraisal Scheme and Good School Initiative requirements and to do so many amendments will need to be made to not only its staff but also buildings, catering service and especially its policies. In six weeks time another inspection of the school will be once again carried out by undercover spies this time armed better to avoid patronisation and being over ruled by the teachers who force them into extra curricular activities and confiscate their valued possessions e.g. Mobile phones, earrings, necklaces, make up and indeed colourful hair braids. (ALL NOD) Our organisation has been involved in many conference meetings and deliberations recently to discuss the future of Priestnall. At this time we cannot pass over any finalised agreements of these meetings but can only state that if Priestnall Comprehensive does not make immediate amendments then eviction notices will be distributed to those in question and the school will be ultimately closed.

We would now like to take this chance to apologise for the sudden severity and unexpectedness of this situation yet request you act immediately to avoid any further confrontations of this sort.

This speech was presented to you by Faye Torkington – Head of Student spy Committee (SSC), Charlotte Swain – Head of external affairs, and Matthew Shaw – Public affairs co-ordinator on behalf of the B. R. A. T. S.

Thank you for your time.