Fear is common, but yet grand in its diversity. Where for some fear is something to conquer, something to overcome, to others it’s like a giant hill and they’re unable to climb it. It’s only then when fear takes over their lives. They lose control of their ability to live, to enjoy every moment of every day. Only then will they succumb to fear itself, letting it destroy their lives piece by piece, until they no longer dare to go outside, dare to look in the mirror, dare to live. Only then will fear reign their lives.
If they would ask me what I fear the most, the answer is easy. I don’t fear bugs, spiders or snakes like some do. I don’t fear crowds or heights as well. And I don’t fear death as well. I don’t fear the dark either. Sometimes I’m even thankful for the absence of light. I don’t fear the inability to understand either, because I know that there are things that are beyond me, things that I don’t understand, things that I don’t want to understand.
So that either leaves the fear of my unknown future or the loss of a loved one. And yet, I like to believe that I’m not scared of either one. Even though I like to be on schedule and plan the biggest events of my life, it’s sometimes liberating to realize that I have no idea where I’m going to end up or where I’m going to be in ten years. I also like to believe that the whole world fears losing a loved one, so by definition it wouldn’t necessarily has to be called fear. It could be called rational thought or a dislike. But not necessarily fear. Naivety is a virtue.
But to be completely honest with myself. There is one thing I do fear. One thing that manages to scare me beyond recognition. One thing that makes me realize that for a split second I’m not in control of my life.
Lightning. That’s what scares me. As the thunder crashes around me and the lightning lights up an entire block of houses, that’s when I feel like I’m not in control of my life. Sometimes I think it’s irrational to be scared of lightning and thunder. Then again, fear is not rational. Fear is not something you share with the world, but only with a small group of people. Even then you try to mask you fears. I know I do. Whenever the thunder gets louder, I turn on my television, find the loudest music station and turn up the volume until my television is the only thing I hear. Then I close all the curtains and turn on all the lights, just to make sure I don’t see the lighting.
I know that what I’m doing could be qualified as masking my fear, but I’m not ready yet to face my fears. Not ready yet to spend the night in a dark house, surrounded by the crashing thunder and white blinding lightning.
And then it hits me. I'm a little confused realizing that thunder and lightning are the only things I'm afraid of. How naive can I be? And then I wonder.
What if the only thing I really fear, is the absence of fear?
