How far do you agree that the Cold War broke out in Europe because the USA and the USSR disagreed fundamentally about how they should treat the shattered European economy?

Review of essay

Rating: 4 star(s)

Response to the question

This is a strong essay that has a good understanding of several interpretations of the Cold War's causes, but would benefit from a stronger quality of writing and more developed factual evidence. The student recognises that the question is asking "How far..." by presenting several alternative interpretations of the causes of the Cold War. This is good as it shows that the student is thinking widely about the causes and not just focusing on one (possibly their own) opinion. Furthermore, by saying things like "Many other small events also threatened the relationship...", the student is showing that they have the knowledge and understanding to judge one factor to be more important than another. However, in the eighth paragraph the student appears to confuse economic and political causes: they could make the case for political causes clearer by pointing out things like the fact the USSR was a one-party state while the USA isn't. This would make that particular section stronger. The student is right to quote historians in the third paragraph, because it shows that they can blend their own analysis with that of established historians, and it also shows evidence of wider reading. However, they could improve by giving the name of the historian in the main part of the essay as well as the footnote: for example, they could say "Young and Tent have argued that...", as this would reinforce the idea that they can combine their own analysis with that of others.

Level of analysis

The factual detail in this essay is strong. The student knows about international agreements such as the Marshall Plan and the Yalta agreement, but can also talk about military concepts such as the Red Army as well as political and economic ideas like different forms of freedom (limited and individual). All of this shows that the student has the knowledge to back up their arguments, and aren't simply making vague guesses about what happened. However, the student could improve by using more dates, as it would allow them to analyse and compare long-term and short-term causes: for example, pointing out that the Yalta agreement was made in 1945 (two years prior to the start of the Cold War) would let them go into another sentence about how disagreement over it was perhaps a long-term factor in the cause of the Cold War. The student does not spend too much time describing what happened rather than explaining it, which is good as it shows they have more understanding about the Cold War than just facts and dates. It is important to get a balance: too many vague statements ("There was an agreement" instead of what this student says, "the Yalta agreement") shows a lack of evidence, but too much evidence shows a lack of the ability to analyse.

The essay has a very good conclusion: by reaching a judgement then saying "but only to a small extent", the student is repeating the ability they showed in the introduction to judge one factor as being more important than another, which is good as it shows they can sustain this and not just do it once. They then go on to summarise the arguments they have made in the essay, which is good as it shows they can organise their ideas. While it was right for the student to mention the birth of Communist China, as they mentioned it in the essay, they hardly addressed it in the essay, so it sounds like they are simply repeating themselves in the conclusion rather than summarising.

Quality of writing

The student's spelling, grammar and punctuation is very good, which shows the examiner that they have not rushed their essay and avoids any confusion. However, the essay is not structured as well as it could be: for example, the third paragraph from the end only has two sentences and seems out of place. It would give the essay a much better logical flow if paragraphs such as this one were added to others so that they did not look small and out of place. Also, it would be better for the student to avoid using "I" frequently, such as "I would agree...", as it is informal and also makes their judgements sound personal and one-sided.