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Argue, Persuage and Advise Essay

Extracts from this document...

Introduction

Good afternoon, ladies, gentlemen and Chair of Governors. I stand here today in the hope that I may be able to highlight to you the benefits of keeping our fantastic school open during the evenings. I am passionate about the plan proposed by myself and a number of other students in which we put forward a request to keep the school open every evening, and I truly hope that by the end of our valuable time together, you too will feel the same way. I have felt for many years that a large amount of classroom time has been taken up disciplining and sorting out problems caused by students not completing homework set by members of staff. I believe that keeping the school open during the evenings would largely solve this problem. On average, 80% of students who have not completed homework claim to have had problems with their computer or printer. ...read more.

Middle

It was impossible for her to concentrate, after all, as hard as you try; you cannot keep two and five year-olds close to silent. I have no doubt that this situation proves to you the value of our library. A further problem, currently caused by the lack of evening activities or open facilities after school hours is that many students choose to 'hang out' outside school grounds as they have missed the bus or do not have parents that are able to collect them due to work or other commitments. In my opinion, having the school open in the evening or providing exciting evening activities could deter students from causing trouble. I am sure you will agree that we do not want the school gaining a bad reputation from a few students who have nothing to do with their time. Why should a few students' behaviours waste our teachers' time and effort to build a good reputation for the school? ...read more.

Conclusion

Why shouldn't we keep our school open when other schools are doing it? Our data proves that they're making a profit and the reputation of the schools have increased. The students will oraganise everything, so why not give it a try and keep the school open 5 hours extra for the next month. If everything works fine, then we can keep the school open in the evenings and if there are problems, then we can go back to the normal way and close the school early. I have made a number of points this evening. The time I have available with you tonight is however limited, so if you wish to hear my many other reasons for believing that our school should be kept open during the evenings; or simply would like to view my plan in further detail, please do not hesitate to see me afterwards. I would like to thank you for your time and hope you agree with me that we should keep this school open for five extra hours during the evening. ...read more.

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Here's what a star student thought of this essay

4 star(s)

Response to the question

This response follows typical conventions of a speech, using first person pronouns such as “I”. Also, the candidate introduces and concludes the response in the expected style, “good afternoon…”, “…thank you for your time”. This piece has breadth and depth ...

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Response to the question

This response follows typical conventions of a speech, using first person pronouns such as “I”. Also, the candidate introduces and concludes the response in the expected style, “good afternoon…”, “…thank you for your time”. This piece has breadth and depth in terms of argumentation; points are made, explained and substantiated with evidence, dealing with the relevant implications concerning evening schooling.

Level of analysis

Unfortunately, the candidate fails to even acknowledge any counter-arguments to the idea of school being opened in the evening. This renders the text as being less convincing, as the readers’ potential concerns are not allayed. It would have been effective to include for example, ‘I acknowledge that this project would require extra funding but there can be no price too high for our children’s academic prospects’. Despite this, the response appears impressive in use of rhetoric, such as synthetic personalisation, “our”, “you”, and rhetorical questions, “why should a few students… waste… time”. Furthermore, deeply emotive language, as in the example of “extremely fortunate”, “fantastic school” and “disastrous result” generate emotion within the reader via powerful adverbs and adjectives.

Quality of writing

Errors are rare and those that do exist could be fixed via simple proof-reading on behalf of the candidate, “staff will not be need[ed] to”. However, the candidate has a tendency to over-write certain points as can be seen from the obsolete opening sentence to the conclusion which could be removed, thus avoiding boring the audience with redundant affirmations. Another correction could be made to numbers used within the response; “5 hours” should be replaced by figures, “five hours”. Despite this, the candidate’s proficiency using apostrophe is pleasing, as displayed in “students’ behaviours waste our teachers’ time” – pluralisation combined with possession can often prove problematic for GCSE (and even A-level) candidates.


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Reviewed by parataxis 25/02/2012

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