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Creative writing. Smoke was accumulating, there were only a few minutes left till it would drown me. Searching the perimeter for any exits, there were none, only a chair in an empty room.

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Introduction

6pm 2012. Smoke was accumulating, there were only a few minutes left till it would drown me. Searching the perimeter for any exits, there were none, only a chair in an empty room. * * * Dawn was upon me, only a confused bird soaring in the dark sky lost in the chaos behind it. The blazing sun had closed its thick, gloomy curtain. Wide awake, staring at the sky, concentrating on the mysterious milky way that was gobbling up our planet. Feet riveted to the soft smooth concrete like a cat hanging to its death. They needed to kill me; however, they had failed once again. Limping. Struggling to reach the door, blood pouring out. Still smelling the dense smoke. They had a secret, the cops would never believe, someone needed to stop them. That someone was me. The clock was ticking. I needed a plan and I needed it quickly, questions gushing, but no answers. ...read more.

Middle

My eyes had seen enough today, slowly closing them. Waking up to the soft, smooth, passionate voice of a young women "Good morning, it is 7:00 AM local time in Pamela, 37 Celsius 62 Fahrenheit". The strong heat rays were penetrating the thick glass, blistering my rough skin. Collecting the rucksack from the overhead luggage, smelling the salty flavor of the deep Caribbean Sea, recalling what lead me to this stunning land that connected the north to the south of America. Rapidly dodging the other passengers escaping into the open air, confused as there were no guide lines to lead me. I did not know where to start, remembering the conversation between the bald man in the leather jacket and the topless man with the silver tooth. They were talking about sending signals to a satellite, but the mind was too weak to remember the rest. But where to start, looking for a satellite in a country with a population of 3,309,679 was going to be challenging, extremely challenging. ...read more.

Conclusion

Tip towing past the freshly baked fragrance of the baguette from the bakery, following the man with the silver tooth that reflected blinding my eyes. He pushed open the wooden door, screeching the rusted hinges that once had a gold color. Standing outside, observing every movement that was accruing inside that room. Then I saw it. The reason I did not manage to find the satellite, it had been assembled inside. Overhead was an outsized glass dome, allowing the satellite to monitor, admire the flickering stars painted in the summer sky. There were no options left, there was no time left. If I wanted to attempt again, I had to do it quickly. I had established from eavesdropping in on their conversation that the only way to disable the satellite was to do it manually. The lever was hanging beside the timer, they were both only a few feet away from the door. Pouncing in me felt terror biting into my pale skin of my hand as it touched the frosted metal lever. As the muscles in my arm contracted the lever began to fall... Karim El Ibiary ...read more.

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Response to the question

This is a Writing to Describe task that primarily orientates around creative writing. In it, the candidate uses a fair range of literary devices to create suspense and intrigue in their creative writing coursework. There could be more emphasis on ...

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Response to the question

This is a Writing to Describe task that primarily orientates around creative writing. In it, the candidate uses a fair range of literary devices to create suspense and intrigue in their creative writing coursework. There could be more emphasis on what actually happen during the story, as there is almost no development other than real-time description of seemingly incoherent surroundings. In creative writing that would receive a higher mark than this candidate's, the reason for this attention to detail would be that it reveals something about the character, but this is not established at all throughout the answer, and this lowers that extent to which this answer is coherent.

Level of analysis

The candidate displays a fair understanding of literary devices such as repetition of sound and rule of three. They also use long vs. short sentences to create suspense as well as leaving plenty to the imagination of the reader, as not all is explicitly stated. However, one could argue that there is too much implicit meaning, resulting in an answer that lacks cohesion or any real insight as to what's actually going on, and very little appears to happen during course of the story. We learn very little about any characters and there is next to no dialogue between anyone. Playing this game in Writing to Describe can elicit some fantastically creative responses, particularly if candidate adhere to a certain style, but I feel this one isn't one of them because it has been hindered by a poor story that doesn't appear to know where it's going. The narrative skips and often contradicts reality - would a man bleeding profusely be allowed through an airport and get no stares from other passengers on a plane? Consistency within reality must be adhered to if the candidate chooses not to set their story in any sort of fantasy (e.g. mythical beasts), because this shows an awareness of how to construct a coherent and cohesive piece of creative story writing, which is what the examiners are looking for.
The opening sentence is often key to creating suspense and a desire for readers to continue, and this candidate's opener is very good at attracting the attention of the reader, but it trails off and quite soon it is clear that the story is going nowhere, even if the protagonist appears to be. What is the room he's found in at the beginning? Why is it important? Why bother even mentioning the chair if the protagonist is not strapped to it? This description is quite irrelevant and does not score any marks because it does not contribute to the rest of the answer.

Quality of writing

The Quality of Written Communication is also poor, barely scraping GCSE standard. There is frequent comma splice, and a suggestion that the candidate either has not proof-read their answer (if they had they'd see how poorly some of the sentences read) or are simply unaware of the standard requirement of a basic sentence, with an object, subject and and a command. This needs to be addressed a s this poor quality compromises the consistency of the answer.


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Reviewed by sydneyhopcroft 10/03/2012

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