Now, everything on this island makes me feel depressed. Even my own physical appearance, especially my hair; it has grown shabby and uncomfortably long. I have all grown shabby with neglect. With all the oppressive responsibility weighing down on my shoulders, I wish that the ground now would open up and swallow me down into its depth, to close me off the problems on this island, which I face.
Diary Entry 2: Chapter 7: Shadows and Tall Trees
This is it. A change from this place will do us all a whole lot of good. I have become so dirty and unclean over the past few months, that the conditions that I take myself for now is normal. The rest of the boys seem to take these conditions as normal too. The longing that I have for a deep, hot bath to purify my body and wrap me up in its enclosing warmth is unbearable.
Every thing seemed to have been going well, but every step I take on this island to please Jack, just defines the how hard it will be, when you try to break the boys away from Jack's spell-binding habit: Hunting. Not that I am complaining. I followed the hunters today and the view that is to be seen on the opposite side of the island is utterly different to the view that is observed from the side of which we have settled in. However, although there are spectacular sceneries that can be viewed from this island, there is no place like home. The ocean is like a thick wall, an impermeable barrier, preventing my and the other boys escape. Simon seems to think that we will leave the island eventually. But I doubt that will ever happen. Simon is so batty. Now, with Jack thinking himself chief, everything is impossible.
But I have to say, I did enjoy myself at the hunt. It was breathtaking. Originally, we were meant to be hunting down the beast, but Jack suggested that we could also hunt a pig in addition to continuing our search for the beast. It was smashing! I was excited so much that I was caught up in the adventure; I threw my spear at the boar, and hit it. But I suppose it was not much of a hit; it only nicked his snout. That was the first time I took aim and I cannot believe my luck. It has to be good marksmanship. I felt so exhilarated during the hunt, as the primal appeal of killing pigs dawned upon me. At least I have something to be proud of, other than some cut by a boar's tusks. Jack thought that it was necessary to point the wound on his left arm out to the crowd of boys. I cannot understand Jack. He has such an eccentric personality; predictable though, he would not actually change much from his self-centred self. I hit the boar but he still pays the same attention as if I were thin air. The boys are impervious too, when they are around Jack that is. It is like he has the glamour that allows the other boys to be absorbed in him. No matter how much attention you persist or demand to acquire, the power that is bound inside Jack will not give in. I tried to show the boys that I was a good aimer, even though it was my first time hunting, but it was useless, like I said.
Jack and the boys were truculent when they closed on towards Robert. They started chanting, "Kill the Pig" and I guess they were caught up in their momentum of chanting, that they actually started jabbing Robert with their spears, at first in jest, then with a more dangerous intent. He was yelping so much that I though my ears would give out. Instantly, all the excitement that I had in me from the hunt vanished. I was so glad that Robert escaped their grasp. I did join them with this too. I didn’t know what was happening to me. The urge to kill was too overpowering. For all I know, we would have killed him. Jack was so self-absorbed, taking himself seriously, that he said that they could use a littlun next time to dress up as a pig, so that they can actually kill it. That was such a sick idea. They are taking a life away. The matter of life is not a game. However, the boys enamoured by Jack's statement began to laugh. This was not funny. They had to be reminded that this is only a game. I am starting to get concerned about the increasingly violent and impulsive behaviour of the hunters. Killing the littluns is trivial compared to what these hunters are capable of.
We started climbing the mountain, as evening fell, and I realized that we would not be able to get back to the beach until morning. I did not want to leave Piggy with the littluns all night. I thought it was too much responsibility for one to handle, but I suppose Piggy would not mind; he will work things out easily. But Jack did not address this concern for Piggy kindly; he mocked me about it. What good chief would he make if he does not treat the boys with respect? But luckily Simon offered to go and inform Piggy of our whereabouts. Jack was still on his frenzy of hunting a pig, in the dark. Surely he could see that it was not a suitable time to hunt, but he is so impulsive that even he will not be blinded by the darkness that encloses the island. I thought that if we hunt in the morning it would be more apposite. He does not even think twice when I speak to him. I am chief, he should listen to me as any other boy on the island does. Giving the new understanding that Piggy provided me with, and sensing the hostility from Jack, I knew that he loathed me. I asked him why but he had no answer. What would he answer if he had one anyway? I never showed him any hatred but if he wants me to play his game, I will play.
He was so pressing to climb up the mountain, even though most of the hunters were 'tired' and, of course, afraid. It was unveiled in their eyes. At that moment I thought of going back myself too, but what Jack said obliged me to remain. He said that I was afraid. I am not afraid more than he is and he knows that, but he just doesn't want to admit it. I was surprised that my voice actually balanced itself proportionally, so that none of my reluctance or weakness showed. I was almost motivated by it. Just moments before this, Jack was accusing me of being afraid and now he was. He claimed that he saw something bulge on the mountain. Of course, due to my newfound bravery, I agreed to search for it immediately. But while I had a mask of bravery composed on my outside, inside I was not sure of what to do. Not sure about whether I should take a step forward or backward. What to do if the beast attacks me. It was so frustrating that it felt like the anxiety was scratching my brain away bit by bit. It seemed at the top of the mountain that I was paralysed. But I realised, eventually, what I was doing this for. To show Jack that I am not scared like he claims. So I fused my hatred for him, with my will and took two steps forward.
That is when I saw it. My legs gave out under me, like an involuntary reflex reaction, but a button inside triggered me to get upon my feet as quick as I can and escape. It seemed like hours had passed in those few seconds for me to get over the shock of what I had just observed. It was like a huge rock thing and it bowed, and when the wind blew, it lifted its head to reveal a ruined face. It was unapproachable. Terrifying. I realised that the horror witnessed by the littluns in words, is inconsequential, in comparison to when you view the beast yourself.
I am glad it is over for now, but I have a deep feeling that this thing, beastie, will not take long to return its visit. We must get prepared.
Diary Entry 3: Chapter 8: Gift for the Darkness
No one believes me. Even piggy. He was sceptical of the whole idea of me witnessing a beast on the top of the mountain. What angered me more is Jack's assurance to the group of boys that the hunters can defeat the beast. But are his hunters any good when faced with a beast that even the bravery of me, Roger and Jack could not defeat? His hunters are merely boys with sticks. I was right to point this out to him; he cannot be so ignorant of the beastie. Piggy said that I should not have called his boys that, but honestly, what choice did I have!
And he never left it there either. Oh no. He called me a coward and accused me of calling the rest of his hunters cowards too. What right does he have to call me that? He even said that I am not a proper chief. As if he would be better than me as chief. All he cares about is hunting, hunting, hunting, and nothing else. If this is how he wants to live his life, then I doubt he will ever have a life, since he will be spending the rest of it on this doomed island.
Adding more to this, the punch from the whole of this meeting came when he put my position of being chief in a vote, between him, and me to the boys. It is so hurtful when I think about it; I cannot believe that he holds such a grudge against me, that much to challenge my position of being chief. I have not did anything wrong to him. But, I guess I should not be so surprised. It's so Jack. Whenever he comes across something that he cannot stand, he feels compelled to sweep it out of his way. In this case, it is me.
Oddly, I do feel sad and uneasy due to him leaving. I, certainly, was not expecting him to leave so quickly. Especially crying. The thought of him crying has never crossed my mind at all, even though I have been living with him for several months. It is not like him. He was always that kind of person like a rock, with his weaker feelings and emotions imperceptible, no one would have thought that he would be exposed so easily like that.
Relieved that he left, Piggy and Simon seemed untouched, as if a burden has been lifted away from their shoulders. I guess they are calm now, since all Jack would do is pick on them, as they are the weaker vessels of the boys. Piggy tried to make me realise that there are potential benefits from Jack leaving, but I have this strong feeling inside me, telling me that something ominous is about to happen, resulting from this predicament. I just cannot put my finger on what is going to happen. He said that now we can start focusing on the fire more. Now that the fire has been built on the beach it may be difficult to see from far away, but at least somebody will keep it going. At least there is a trace of hope of being rescued. However, I really doubt that most of us will actually be rescued, as just after the building of the fire was done on the beach, I noticed several of the biguns missing. I did not know what to do. I felt as though Jack had taken part of me as an equipment to equip himself for evil and savagery on this island. The more I come to think about it, the clearer it becomes to me that Jack is the disruptive element and the root of destruction on this island.
My authority is slipping away faster than I could imagine. Just a few months ago, I had it all, but now there is nothing left. I cannot understand the appeal of hunting if you do not attempt to be rescued at the same time. There is a battlefield of emotions warring in me. I tried to show the boys' that I am a good chief, that I will get them rescued, but they were all oblivious to me and so left for Jack. It hurt so much that even speaking was like climbing a cliff for me. I suppose now everything is too late; everything is set in motion, I cannot do anything to change it.
Maybe it would be better. We could be happier. Piggy says so. Piggy is so confident that everything will turn out to be okay, it almost scares me. We still have Samneric to help us keep the fire going, some littluns and I suppose Simon. Although Piggy and I never knew where he was, we thought that he might be climbing up the mountain. He would still stay unfazed by anything. He has cracked. With Simon, he is that kind of person that his feelings are buried deep inside him and you would have to dig a lot before reaching them. I am surprised that I never thought of Simon, in a way like this, before. You just have to listen to him to get to know him, but of course, Jack never listens to anybody or anything, so what would he know? At this point, I really don't care who I have got in my group as long as they are with me; I need all the support I can get.
I was startled by the sudden uproar in the forest. Jack, wearing just dazzle paint and a belt, was even more startling. He told us that he and his group were living across the beach, by a flat rock, where they have fun. It was kind of him to invite us to join his tribe, but I know that if I were to join his tribe, there would be no going back and certainly no hope of rescue. I thought he was about to take the conch at first, when I saw him. I mean the conch to me is still a symbol of ritual and order, and without order on this island, there would be nothing. I still do not know why that thought passed through my head at that moment. But I saw that some of his hunters did take some branches of fire. Perhaps they took it to keep warm, or even cook their latest hunting victim on. But even by how much I would like to go to eat the meat and have fun, keeping the fire going was and is still the most important task at hand. It is going to be hard to keep the fire going, and the amount of wood that we need is even harder to get. I suppose Samneric could take two shifts. But Bill appeared sceptical to the whole idea that we will be capable of keeping the fire going. He suggested that we go to Jack and his hunters feast and tell them that the fire is hard among us. Moreover, the fact that there was meat there, hot and satisfying, was enough to make us sprint to cross our enemy's border. Even Piggy could not resist. He was ravenous. I saw it in his eyes. Every face that my gaze landed upon was burning with the overwhelming hunger for meat. No one would ever let a chance like this pass by and we weren't going to either. The thought of food and meat was too appealing, so we gave in to our desire.
