Now it’s not like there is no sun in Britain. On the contrary, it seems that politically the country is ruled by The Sun. The Sun newspaper that is… The biggest selling newspaper in the UK that appeals to the basest instincts of its readers. Infamous for its nude page 3 girls, breaking celebrity scandals, and soccer focused sports section. Which is run by the politically active Australian Rupert Murdoch. With headlines such as “Pornocchio”, “Phwoar Is Over” and “I’m Only Here For De Beer” how could they resist. In fact I think by just reading those headlines made me lose a few IQ points. Makes you wonder, considering that this is the biggest selling newspaper as stated before.
There is one thing that has seemed to bring “joy” to the somber nation: sport in particular Soccer - which they profusely demand to be called football. This is by far the most over spoken subject British people talk about and proudly. They ramble and rant about their favorite team and, of course, if another person dares disagree with the speaker a brawl would occur almost simultaneously. Disregarding age almost completely these brawls range from the young teenage boy to the middle aged men and the elderly. Maybe they just like hitting each other, who knows. This behavior was rightly dubbed “The English Disease”.
Is there anything else that might bring a shine of light on these people? Could it be possible. Why yes, British humor. By any standards anybody from another country would not understand. While they boldly state that American humor is just to plain out dumb and all fart jokes. Of course then going on about how British humor requires intelligence and wit to comprehend it’s genius. Could someone please show me the wit in perhaps The Mighty Boosh or Monty Python? If of course you can get past the incomprehensible accents to understand what they are saying. “: One time, I saw a man looking at me, yes, with his eyes. And then, he, he picked up a tube. And he looked, in the tube, and he made the moon big, inside the tube. The moon big inside a tube!” Quoted from The Mighty Boosh. Tell me where is the wit in that?
Another thing I have noticed with Britain is the architecture of the houses. They seem to be almost impossible to stand in. Maybe they are meant for a fly to live in, because by no means is there enough room for a person to walk in or move. Maybe I’m over exaggerating, maybe a midget could stand inside, although I doubt they could lift their arms up very high. Maybe they are trying to discourage people from living in England, maybe it’s a message to get out before you are sucked into the dismal land. Now that I think about it, I think English people just like horrible things so they can complain about it to their friends – i.e me. So they must purposely build those houses, to torture one another and to whine about it. They must all be masochists.
Once again with that masochistic nature is their food. England's bland, greasy and simply miserable cuisine, for example Fish and Chips (by chips they mean fries), ever go to a restaurant and ever have them serve you fries with fish? Well there’s a reason for it. They don’t go well together. Have you seen any other nation adopt this style in their cooking? Of course not. Ah yes, then there’s the tea. Tea time and tea. No not coffee in the morning to wake you up, but weak tea, not only in the mornings, but for lunch and dinner and anything in between. Who knows if this is teratogenic?
And they keep offering to make you one to the extent that it becomes so irritating you want to put duck tape on their mouths - if you hadn’t already from previous annoyances. Can’t they find something else to cool their frayed nerves? Another thing that bothers me is why every British food establishment coats their entire menu in the bland, tasteless dressing baffles me. Turkey tastes a lot better when it is not drenched in mayo and covered in plastic for five hours. Trust me.
But who am I to criticize her royal majesty’s great nation. Let us mere mortals not forget that Royal Britannia once ruled the waves. I am an American, a nation famous for McDonalds, obesity, gun crime, trailer trash, flat pack housing and Cheers (that’s the terrible 1980s sitcom set in a bar, in case you didn’t know). I obviously have no right to bad mouth a country I have never been to and has more history than the number of surgeons a woman in L.A has had. However, I would rather be an American any day over being English. Let’s face it, Britain’s empire has crumbled.
