I went to Camden today with Sarra. We were SUPPOSED to be going to look for costumes but instead we bought some of that weird wormwood and wild opium stuff and sat under a bridge. Then we got bored so we went and bought some weed and a bong, and Sarra sat there under the bridge by the canal smoking from the bong and getting so stoned. For some reason I didn’t really feel like doing it. Maybe it was because it was so cold, maybe I’m just getting too mature for that kind of thing. (Heh. Yeah. Riiiiight.)
I was so fucking freezing, it was raining and I had no coat, all I had on were my purple trousers which were soaked all through, and this little black shirt. I was sitting there shivering and chain smoking while Sarra was rocking back and forth stoned out of her brain in her big warm army jacket. Bloody hell seriously, I must have smoked about half a packet of cigarettes, I was so cold, I needed something to make me warm and put an edge on me. I suppose that’s really when I would need a dab of speed. Mmmm. Coke. I dunno, maybe I should stay away from stimulants. Like, if I drink too much coffee (As in 12 double expressos baaaad idea) I get really emotional, and when I do cocaine I get FUCKING emotional, like in school when I started crying (heh, now I think about it that was kinda funny.) …so yeah. Cracks all right though.
Anyway…what was I talking about? Oh yeah. Chain smoking right well, yeah that’s what I was doing. And I couldn’t stop! Oh great, I’m gonna get cancer fucking brilliant.
Oh on a good side of things I haven’t purged in ages. Well, like…3/4 days. Which is practically ages in my terms. It makes me feel like shit nowadays though. When I started in December, even though it was horrible, (well, duh) It made me feel good, because, well it feels like you’re in control, even when you’re not I guess. I wish people would tell me not to do it. I mean, they do, but I wish they would MORE. My friends have kinda accepted it now. Sort of like “Oh well, what can ya do?”
I suppose it is a problem. I mean, I know it is…and a fucking serious problem too, but… I don’t seem to realise. FUCK, I started December last year, that means its been going on for a whole year. I can’t even imagine that, even though I can’t remember the first time I purged.
Yeah, I suppose it is a problem if you’ve been bulimic for a whole year. Bulimic…nah that word seriously doesn’t sound right on me. I’m just A normal girl who… likes to throw up now and then. Nothing wrong with me. No but seriously…its not like I do it all the time. No more than 4/5 times a week usually. Apart from bad weeks when I do it twice a day every day. But that’s not “Out of control” so I guess I’m not a classified bulimic. Agh…I’m gonna die. Oh great, so I’ll get cancer from smoking and then burst my espohogous through self induced vomiting. Not to mention the aerosol. Aggh…why the hell do I do so many crazy things?
Don’t ask me. I’m just,
Anna xx
