Write an essay to be published on your school website about this dilemma with reference to one experience you had when using the Internet. Discuss what should be made public and what should remain private,
Extracts from this document...
Introduction
Students often access Internet blogs and social network sites so that they can share their views in a public forum. However, there are dangers in giving too many personal details. Write an essay to be published on your school website about this dilemma with reference to one experience you had when using the Internet. Discuss what should be made public and what should remain private, making clear your views on how the freedom to say what you want can be balanced with protecting your own and other people's privacy. Give your essay a title. A Fundamental Dilemma Freedom and Privacy. These are probably the two most valued human rights, over which never-ending debates have been fought and between which there seems to be a huge, indelible rift. The incompatibility of them cannot be anymore apparent with the advancement of technology, under which one's opinions are more easily and effectively transpired and, here comes the terrible trade-off, dangers in giving too many personal details are causing increasing concerns. ...read more.
Middle
Never had I imagined that the extent to which freedom and privacy are mutually exclusive could be such overwhelmingly distressful. On a gloomy Friday, I returned home from the school, only to find my furious parents and a legal letter accusing me of defamation. The drama of course did not end there. But for the time being, I shall not go further on that. The point is, there is no such thing as perfect security but only opportunity. Never should we assume absolute safety and delude ourselves into believing in any systems. Everyone is watching and everyone is being watched. Neither is there perfect freedom nor privacy. Freedom, at the end of the day, is only meaningful if there are a certain restraints. We should always know what can be made public and what should remain private. ...read more.
Conclusion
We should be careful not to give anyone hard feeling and if you are really anxious to express yourself, you had better do this privately, like writing a journal (a real, had-written one!). You would never know who is accessing your information on the web; and it would be anything but safe to think that passwords are unbreakable! Now that you understand we are in no position to control who may intentionally or unintentionally make use of our personal data, all that you can do is ensure that not a single shred of extremely private information is given, including your real name, contact address and telephone number - not even your pictures! It is always better safe than sorry. Be smart and play your part. Let the Internet not be a nuisance by rightly maintaining a balance between freedom and privacy. ?? ?? ?? ?? 08 AL / Question 1 / p.1 ...read more.
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Here's what a teacher thought of this essay
5 star(s)
On the whole this is a very well written essay. It is well-structured with an effective opening, a logical sequence of ideas and a strong conclusion.
The vocabulary is appropriate and sophisticated in the tone it conveys. I would encourage any writer not to overdo the use of complex vocabulary however, sometimes simplicity is more effective. The opening sentence is proof of this.
An examiner is looking for clarity of expression and this is managed mostly effectively throughout.
The technical accuracy is very good, with only minor slips with tenses.
This essay demonstrates the necessity for a minute or two of thinking through of ideas to ensure a coherent and logical discussion.
5 stars.
Marked by teacher Melissa Thompson 10/04/2013
Here's what a star student thought of this essay
5 star(s)
Response to the question
The Response to Question shown by the candidate is very good. As a "Writing to" task, there is plenty of attention and focus on how to stay safe on the Internet. This actually reads like a journalist's column, with a ...
Read full reviewResponse to the question
The Response to Question shown by the candidate is very good. As a "Writing to" task, there is plenty of attention and focus on how to stay safe on the Internet. This actually reads like a journalist's column, with a clear beginning, middle and end. It starts of explaining the advancement of technological and the pressure to stay inside the Internet's blogosphere as friends no longer exist solely at school or work - they follow you home, and you follow them. This is something very fundamental and would be often over-looked in a lesser ability candidate answer, but this candidate not only mentions it, they mention it well and use and excellently advanced vocabulary in order to do so, leading seamlessly into the bulk of the argument having informed the readers of the topic of interest with great written dexterity.
Level of analysis
The answer here uses a number of techniques in order to best inform, describe and advise their readers. It reads excellently, and shows that the candidate has either an exceptional ability to structure their answer or, more likely, they have simply planned in advance what and how they are going to write it. Planning may seem like a waste of time to candidates rushing through and exam with only 1-hour to write and A*-grade piece of work, but if you leave yourself 5-10 minutes before beginning your answer to plan what to say in each paragraphs, outlining the most important topics for discussion (in this case: social networking; the safety of passwords; the "experience" the question asks for, etc., etc.). It makes writing a consistently powerful response much easier and prevents moments of 'down-time' during an exam where candidates just sit for five minutes and 'go blank'.
Quality of writing
The Quality of Written Communication here is excellent. Though not completely void of error, the candidate shows a fantastic knowledge of a range of challenging vocabulary like "indelible" and understand how to write abstractly like "Privacy and Freedom are mutually exclusive concepts". There is also a good knowledge of the use of more complicated punctuation points like colon and semi-colons, which shows confidence and enthusiasm for English. I would argue that there is no requirement for exclamation marks anywhere in a response like this so where they do feature is not necessary, though it is unlikely the candidate would be penalised for this.
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