After thinking long and hard about approaching this group, I finally mustered up the courage, walked over to them and said, ‘Hey guys, I wanna be part of your group’. This was met with the response ‘You can be one of us as long as you act like us, speak like us and live like us.’ My desperation to have friends outweighed any sense of pride or morals I had, so I went along with them and became one of the lads. The leader of the gang was ‘JJ’ (his real name was Anthony, but I guess JJ sounds so much cooler.) The other members of the gang were, The Don, Hit-Man, Rock, Jay, Double A, Riko and I went by the name of ‘new boy’ (not my first choice but a name nonetheless.)
I loved every moment I was with the boys. They made me feel like my life wasn’t pointless. Most importantly though, they seemed to care for me and look after me as if we were family. But around three weeks ago as we were walking through the high road, the gang schemed to rob a corner shop (….I’m obviously not creative enough to even consider committing a robbery). Even though my principles told me not to go along with this idea, I knew I had to. Any weakness that the gang saw in me would be an excuse for them to disown me. Hence in a vain attempt to rekindle my conscience, I stayed outside the shop as the ‘watchman’ whilst the others went to take care of business. Unfortunately though, as I was scanning the area I caught a slight glimpse of a police car of which was heading towards me. At first I didn’t consider that this police car was meant for me and my friends but as it gradually drew closer to us, I knew I’d better warn the others. So I burst through the door, ran inside and shouted out to them “THE POLICE, THE POLICE ARE HERE”. But just as I re-opened the front door, I was surrounded by blue and red flashing beacons.
So what am I to do now? Do I deserve the punishment I’ve received? I guess I can always shorten my sentence by handing in the names of my so-called friends……
Proverbs 13 vs. 20; “He that is walking with wise persons will become wise, but he that is having dealings with the stupid ones will fare badly.”
Commentary
This is an evaluation for the corresponding short story that I have produced. I wanted to create a piece of formal writing, thus I needed a character which will allow me to write in this particular style. The character I chose is a young student who has no friends. The reason for me using this character is due to certain stereotypes which would suggest that the ‘quiet’, ‘anti-social’, and ‘distant’ students in a school are the ones that are more likely to be better educated and more literate.
The lexis used within my narrative was chosen for specific reasons. When the story focuses on the main character and his new ‘friends’, the words I used tend to be simpler. An example of this is the utterance, ‘Yeah, you can be one of us as long as you act like us, speak like us and live like us.’ This monosyllabic sentence is useful as it symbolises the lesser knowledge and intellect of the gang members.
Near the end of the text I used the statement “THE POLICE, THE POLICE ARE HERE” the reason for this being in capital letters was to express the mood of the character. When the reader see’ this utterance their eyes scan slower over the words and the brain finds it harder to make sense of the capital letters, this contributes to the reader building up the feeling of anger/frustration/agitation. Therefore the statement “the police, the police are here” is given more meaning when in capital letters.
I originally created the entire story all in the past tense. By having my main character telling the reader exactly what had happened to him, the structure of my story began to feel a bit boring and un-original. I therefore altered this problem by making the story become a flashback (the story is now set in the present but goes back into the past). This way the story seems more interesting and catches the attention of the reader, the primary thing you read is about a certain boy being ‘in the police station….’
The two short paragraphs that I brought in at both ends of the story were useful as they were the questions which will be raised in the readers mind. The first paragraph of questions is those that will be answered throughout the story, and the subsequent paragraph is of the issues which stand unanswered at the end of the story. This is an effective ploy as the reader will feel that I can relate to how they think, seeing that I’m quoting what they’re currently thinking.
Another feature of my short story is the moral that I use in the form of a scripture. The scripture, “He that is walking with wise persons will become wise, but he that is having dealings with the stupid ones will fare badly”, was used as I thought it was the perfect utterance to sum up the actions of the character within my story. The title of my short story, ‘Paying the Price’, was chosen in connection with the featured scripture as they work together in telling the story without the actual story being read.
In conclusion then, my short story was a reflection of how traditional short stories are supposed to be. The plot that had a dilemma, the dilemma which lead to the moral of the story, this is what determines the success of a short story. I believe that by the use of the syntax and lexis along with the content of my plot, I produced an excellent story that conformed to the conventions of a short story.
