From an early age we learn to assert ourselves. As small children we develop very direct ways of letting our parents know what our desires or needs might be. This direct form of
communication at this age was both instinctual and learned. As we mature we often move away from this style of direct communication and move towards a more indirect method for letting those around us understand our feelings and needs. Much of this is due to the fact that we live in a society that promotes a more subtle form of communication that does not, “make waves.” By adopting this passive or non-assertive approach to communication you may be giving up your basic right of being listened to and taken seriously. You also risk not being able to assertively express your negative and positive emotions honestly and directly.
Unlike the confusion that sometimes arises between assertive and aggressive behavior non-assertive communicators are most often considered doormats and are characterized as always making excuses or giving in. By being indirect and staying silent they rarely receive what they want and as a result they usually become angry and frustrated. When we are assertive, we are being direct, respectful, honest and clear. We take the risk to state clearly what we would like to happen, and listen to the response we receive. The assertive communicator must understand that to communicate openly and honestly the responsibility of information and feedback needs to be considered a two way street with communication traveling freely in both directions for it to be effective. The assertive communicator and the listener need to understand that they both have identical rights. By acknowledging these equal rights and communicating honestly and openly a more genuine relationship is formed between the participants.
On the other hand Assertiveness is many times confused with Aggressiveness in regards to communication. The aggressive communicator can be sarcastic, blaming, insensitive, intimidating and unfair. They appear to welcome conflict. They might use put-downs, issue threats and shout, all with the goal of dominating, humiliating and getting their own way. Although this style can help a person get what they want it usually is delivered at the expense of others. Aggressive communicators tend to alienate others and relationships often suffer as a result and deteriorate. Countering this type of aggressive behavior an individual needs to be able to use Assertive Communication while being able to demonstrate self-respect and self-confidence. Once again, this needs to be considered a two way street that allows awareness of and respect for the other participants. Understanding the fine line that exists between these two forms of communication is often crucial to the success to avoiding conflicts that may occur in a relationship.
There are no guarantees that asserting yourself will mean that you always win your way or you will be treated fairly. It also does not guarantee you that others will be assertive and not respond by acting aggressively. An effective communicator will need to understand that everyone will react differently from the influence of assertive behavior. It will however ensure that you will be able to express yourself clearly and confidently while acknowledging the feelings of the other individual involved without blame or judgment.
Research has proven that assertiveness is a skill that may come natural to some individuals but the majority of people find that they have little success when it comes to
projecting their assertiveness. For many assertiveness is a skill that will have to be practiced and coached. Workshops, classes, group therapy and individual coaching can
be attained for the individual that wants to become better at this skill. According to an article on Assertiveness by, The University of New Mexico Student Health Center (para. 5, n.d.), it lists a simple method for helping individuals to perform assertiveness. “Remember the five Cs of assertiveness: COOLNESS -keep it, don't lose self-control. CONSIDER the other person's point of view. COMMUNICATE feelings and flexibility. CLARIFY how you would like others to behave toward you. CONSEQUENCES: state them as you see them.” Finding the correct technique for being able to communicate assertively will be different from individual to individual and most will depend on the technique and personality of the person applying the assertive behavior.
A very important key to effective assertive communication always begins with assessing the situation. By assessing the situation you will be able to determine how important the issue is to you. Successfully assessing the situation allows the communicator the option of passive, aggressive or an assertive response. The communicator must remember that it is every person’s right to say “No” to any situation without having to defend his or her reasons or give some type of excuse. This right also allows the person to choose how they handle the situations they are facing while understanding that it is not always necessary to be assertive.
No matter what the situation you may find yourself in, you have a choice in which behavioral response that you take. A firm understanding that assertive behavior is
the ability to stand up for what you feel is right while being able to respect the rights of
others, aggressive behavior is winning at all costs and getting what you want with little or no concern for the rights of others, and passive behavior is giving up respect for your own rights while having respect for the rights of others. A good communicator will assess the situation they are facing, choose the proper response and be able to command a situation with words, body language, eye contact, or tone. When given these choices it would certainly seem that in most cases assertiveness would be the best response to most situations.
References
The Arthritis Society (2003, para.1). Assertive Communication, Retrieved November 4, 2003 from http://www.arthritis.ca/tips%20for%20living/communicating%20your %20needs/develop%20skills/assertive%20behaviour/default.asp?s=1.
The University of New Mexico Student Health Center (para. 5, n.d.). Assertiveness, Retrieved November 5, 2003 from http://www.unm.edu/~shc1/assertiveness.html.
Other Sources
http://www.inc.com/articles/2000/04/18619.html.
2002 The Arthritis Society
Chesebro, J. L., & Martin, M. M. (in press). The relationship between conversational sensitivity, cognitive flexibility, and verbal aggressiveness and indirect interpersonal aggressiveness. Communication Research Reports.
Martin, M. M., Weber, K., & Mottet, T. P. (2003). Verbal aggression and viewing the world as a mean place. Psychological Reports, 92, 151-152
