According to Sonia Syan, family plays a major role in keeping her from considering getting a divorce.
“My marriage has gone through rough times,” admits Sonia. “But I would never think about getting a divorce. That would kill my parents. I couldn’t do that to them, and I couldn’t do that to myself. I think that is why divorce rates are so low among Indians. We don’t want to shame our parents, or be looked down upon by people in our social circle.”
Dr. Sareena Malhotra has been living in Canada for over 3 decades now. She was born in India and married in Canada.
“I got married in 1969,” Dr. Malhotra says. “ I saw my husband only a handful of times before we married, and each time it was supervised. This was normal for me, a way of life. I am very happy with my life now. I would not trade for family for anything.”
Dating back to the beginning of the century, the definition of an arranged marriage was the union of two families, with little or no say from the bride or groom. Parents or grandparents were usually responsible for arranging the marriage.
Many people used to view arranged marriages as a business deal, which is exactly what it seemed like. So in a nutshell, arranged marriages were not only the union of two people, but the union of two families. So how is it that these marriages seem to last longer than Canadian love marriage?
Many Indo-Canadians experienced a great deal of pressure from their families. If the marriage failed, it was letting both families down. This alone was a major reason why many Indian marriage toughed it out through thick and thin.
“If an Indian is not happy in their marriage they do not think about getting a divorce. They continue on with life,” says Samir Malhotra, husband of Sareena. When people began to migrate to Canada from India, they brought with them their traditions and values. These values are still here.
As time progressed, society began to change, as did the perception of arranged marriages. Canadian society, along with many others were ruled less by traditional religious values. However, one thing that remained in tact was family values. It is these values that play a significant role in low divorce rates among Indo-Canadians. Arranged marriages now include the wishes of the bride and groom.
Indo-Canadian marriages used to be dictated solely by what the parents wanted, with little room for negotiation on the couple’s behalf. As the twentieth century rolled around, this concept was changing drastically. So what exactly was the cause of this?
Arranged marriages have changed a great deal over the past one hundred years. “When I was growing up, my brother married his wife without even meeting her. This was back in the 1960’s. Now that I have children, I could not imagine forcing them to get married that way,” says mother of three, Rina Dhillion.
Arranged marriages are still common within the Indo-Canadian community, however, they are not controlled by the old school definition. Nowadays, arranged marriages consist of introducing two people. The couple is given the opportunity to spend time together and get to know each other. If things don’t work out, it is on to the next. This more relaxed approach still involves families, but also gives the couple freedom to make their own decisions.
“Marriages have changed for Indians,” says Nisha Sarna. “My parents had an arranged marriage. My grandparents had an arranged marriage. They are still together and happy. My sister had a love marriage. She has been married for twelve years now, and she is happy and in love. I think a good reason for this is because she took with her into her marriage the idea that family comes first. You have to do anything to make a marriage work, especially when you are Indian. You don’t want to let your parents down.”
Raised by parents who grew up in India, Nisha has experienced the best of both worlds. She knows what it was like for her parents, but also knows what it is like for the younger generation of Indo-Canadian living in the 21st century. Arranged marriages have undergone a great deal of change. Not only has the definition of arranged marriages evolved, but love marriages have also become increasingly common.
Within a society that once played great importance on arranged marriages, how have love marriages become so popular?
“I have been born and raised in Toronto,” says 19 year-old Paul Brar. “I grew up in a household where I was taught the importance of my culture. My culture in Canada is different than my culture in India. Here I am free to date.”
For many Indo-Canadians, Canadian society provides them with more opportunities to meet people. In the 1950s, Indians who came to Canada brought with them their country’s mentality. For decades, the majority of Indo-Canadians followed the original traditions of their motherland.
However, as different generations were born, they began to adapt to the Canadian way of life. This brought about changes in arranged marriages. These youths introduced their elders to the concept of dating, and love marriage. The older generation of Indians is slowly starting to adapt to a different way of life, a new way.
From arranged marriages to love ones, one thing remains the same; the divorce rate has yet to experience any drastic increase. Many Indo-Canadians credit their strong family values for this. Along the evolution process, one value that has not changed is the importance of family and marriage.
When it comes to Indo-Canadian marriages, society has impacted the evolution of them. The Western world has made many Indians comfortable with the idea of a love marriage, since that is what is surrounding them. Internet dating, meeting someone through a friend, and meeting someone at a bar at the top three ways that couples meet each other these days in Western societies. Given that Canada is a westernized country, the Indo-Canadians living here are adapting to that lifestyle. More generations of Indo-Canadians are being born and raised in Canada, which results in the likelihood of these individuals meeting a significant other through the top three means discussed above, being very high. This therefore leads to more love marriages now, than arranged ones. However, one might wonder why Indo-Canadians are affected by the Western world when it comes to the evolution of marriages and meeting someone, but not when it comes to family values. Firstly, family values originate from great-grandparents, grandparents, or parents. These people were raised in India, and see respect and family as being top on their list of values. This is how life always was in India, and continues to be. Therefore, when they came to Canada, and taught their children the values that are of importance to them, they taught them the importance of respect for family. This plays a significant role in divorce rates remaining low. The generations being raised in Canada are adapting to the Western lifestyle, while at the same time keeping the values of their parents and grandparents close to their heart.
Divorce has, and continues to be frowned upon by many Indians. Divorce rates remain low because family values are still a high priority among Indo-Canadians.
“Marriage is a sacred union,” 32-year-old Leena Soodan, “I am a married, East Indian female, and I could not ever think of leaving my husband. I have always been taught that family is the most important thing in the world. This will always be the case for me.”
So at the end of the day what we have is a change; a change in society and a change in Indo-Canadian marriages. However, what has helped in keeping Indo-Canadian divorce rates low is the lack of change in terms of tradition. Combining important traditions and values of the Indian culture, with the modern, Canadian society only seems to be a recipe for a successful marriage.
by
glennyboy (student)
