Grown up as a second child in an Asian family, I was a girl who always strived for perfection in a hope to grab everyone’s attention. I had to be the top student in every class I took, I participated in almost every extra-curricular activity that I could fit into my schedule, and I do not even remember when was the last time I expressed anger towards anyone because I wanted to be socially ‘perfect’ as well. Such desire for excellence came to me as a burden when I went into my sophomore year. I used to never consider myself fat until one of my classmates publicly made fun of my legs that had no gaps in between. I was apparently very shocked, not because I was humiliated in front of everyone, but because I was not ‘perfect’ that no one would like me anymore. From then on, I began to refuse eating and tortured myself with exercises whenever I had time.
When I first lost 5kg, all my friends and even my parents talked about how slim I look. However, when I lost 10kg more, they noticed how little I ate and were worried about my health. By then, I was afraid that eating would immediately turn me back into the chubby girl who was not perfect at all. So I ignored all those concerns about my condition, and continued on with my daily routines. As a result, my body was out of shape in a year, and I was diagnosed to be hospitalized until I retain ideal weight for my height. Although I did not stay in the hospital, I still had to stay at home for three months with regular counseling with a doctor. These three months were, to me, like an embryonic period to begin a new life. I was able to confront myself and realize that reaching for perfection would be worthless if I continue to torment myself. The biggest obstacle was my fear of swallowing food, but this became almost nothing when I saw my mother’s tears when she saw the bruise on my bottom that was too bonny. I started eating ‘normally’ again and walked out of home to school after three months as a new person.
Today, I still aspire for perfection. However, I do realize that I will not be able to grab everything at once. So I walk step by step to a higher level, resting in between, constantly asking myself whether I am going overboard.
