HERMION
Oh for goodness sake!
Mr and Mrs Porter head up their garden path.
HERMION (CONT'D)
Yes, yes, come on ..
Mr Porter opens his front door.
HERMION (CONT'D)
I hate this bit ..
Mr Porter looks inside.
MR PORTER
.. Oh no! we forgot to unstrap granny from her stairlift
before we went away!
GRANDMA PORTER'S corpse is strapped into a stair lift, halfway up the stairs, in an
advanced state of decay.
Mrs Porter looks in the door and screams, as Mr Porter enters the house.
INT. PORTER HOUSE HALLWAY. MOMENTS LATER
Hermion follows the distraught Mr and Mrs Porter inside.
HERMION
I wouldn't worry, she's in luck today.
Hermion walks up the stairs. Grandma Porter's spirit body sits at the top, dressed in white.
Mrs Porter cries hysterically. Mr and Mrs Porter are oblivious to Grandma Porter's spirit.
GRANDMA PORTER
(moodily to Hermion)
Where have you been? I've been waiting in that stair lift for three
months since those lot went away .. look! I withered away!
HERMION
I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to take people before they're discovered
- come on -
GRANDMA PORTER
It's a downright disgrace - sending some hooligan covered with beans after
three months - I'm writing my Member of Parliament!
HERMION
Don't bother, by the time he gets it he'll be in front of a warm fire,
well, roasting over a warm fire actually ..
Hermion escorts Grandma Porter down the stairs.
GRANDMA PORTER
(To Mr Porter)
Look what you've done?! This would never have happened if I'd went to
live with Robert - he was my favorite son! But you! All you think of is
yourself!
Grandma Porter looks at the dress Mrs Porter is holding.
GRANDMA PORTER (CONT'D)
Is that the dress I asked you to bring back, it's not even my color!
And it's the wrong size! I'm a twelve not a fourteen!
She notices mascara running down Mr's Porter's face.
GRANDMA PORTER (CONT'D)
What a state! To think I'm going to have an old tramp like you
at my funeral!
I'd die of shame if I wasn't already dead already ..
HERMION
Come on. Think yourself lucky. You've been an interfering old
cow and normally you'd deserve a spell in Purgatory - if I wasn't
in a such a hurry to have breakfast ..
GRANDMA PORTER
How dare you!! What's your name? I'm going to report you to
your superiors!
HERMION
What do you mean 'what's my name?' I'm the Grim Reaper.
GRANDMA PORTER
From where I'm standing you're just an idiot covered with beans!
HERMION
Just come on!
Hermion and Grandma Porter notice Mr Porter is on his knees, praying.
MR PORTER
Oh lord, I know my mother wasn't a good woman, or a kind
woman, or a thoughtful woman, but I'm going to miss her ..
HERMION
(arms outstretched)
Why?!
Grandma Porter grabs Hermion's scythe from him and swings it. Hermion ducks, the scythe smashes the hall window. Hermion warily puts out a hand as Grandma faces him meanly with the scythe.
HERMION
Give me that back ..
MR PORTER
(looking into space)
Mother? Is that you?
Grandma Porter swings at Hermion again, missing and smashing a lamp.
HERMION
(more urgent)
Give me that back.
Grandma Porter is brandishing the scythe at him, he backs away warily.
HERMION (CONT'D)
Come on now, it will be really embarrassing if someone finds out
about this ..
GRANDMA PORTER
See how you like someone sticking a scythe in your face,
Graham Reaper!
HERMION
That's Grim Reaper not Graham Reaper! Now give me that back!
Grandma Porter chops again. MISSES. The scythe catches the dress that Mrs Porter is holding. From her relatives point-of-view, it seems to dance in midair like a ghostly banshee. Mrs Porter screeches.
MRS PORTER
She's come back to haunt us because she doesn't like the dress!
MR PORTER
I told you she was a twelve!
Grandma sits on top of Hermion now, they wrestle over the scythe.
HERMION
Thank god the other horsemen of the apocalypse can't see me now ..
MR PORTER
(looking into space)
Mother! Please don't hurt us! Maybe we can order something nice
through a Ouija board! What are they wearing in hell these days?
MRS PORTER
(urgently correcting)
Heaven!
MR PORTER
Heaven! I mean heaven!
Grandma Porter grins maniacally as she tries to throttle Hermion with the scythe.
GRANDMA PORTER
I'm going to get grim on you, Reaper!
HERMION
No! I will take you to heaven and save you from Purgatory - even
if you are an interfering old trollop!
He bangs Grandma's head with the scythe handle. She collapses, out cold.
HERMION (CONT'D
Well .. that went well .. my skill at knocking out pensioners
hasn't diminished. (Speaks into wristwatch) Hello, one to come up ..
An ANGEL'S face appears on the watch.
ANGEL
Yes, Mr Death, sir, may I remind you of your weekly staff meeting
in the Heaven Way Station Births and Deaths Department at ten am.
HERMION
Oh shut up. .. I'm starving ..Have someone from the Way Station
canteen drop me down a burger without a bun ..
ANGEL
Sorry, the Heaven Way Station canteen does not do burgers
without buns
HERMION
.. Okay, I'll have a burger in a bun ..
ANGEL
We're out of buns ..
HERMION
No wonder the world's in such a mess.
ANGEL
Thank you. Have a nice day.
HERMION
Oh shut up. I'm popping to my London apartment to get changed. Out.
GRANDMA PORTER
(coming to, the blow has calmed her down)
Urgh!
HERMION
Oh, you're up - well I'm off now, we're testing some new technology
- which is ruining my job by the way - so, anyway, a beam of light will
appear in a moment and take you up into heaven's administration
center to be processed, blah, blah, blah - I'm off to get something to eat ..
EXT. PORTER HOUSE. MOMENTS LATER
Grandma Porter follows Hermion outside.
GRANDMA PORTER
What? What? A beam - what? What's heaven like?
HERMION
It's a big room full of surveillance cameras and free e-mail you'll love it
.. bye.
Hermion walks off.
GRANDMA PORTER (LOOKING UP)
Here it comes here it comes!
A spotlight pierces through the clouds and engulfs her as heavenly music is heard.
Grandma Porter picks up a wallet on the floor.
GRANDMA (CONT'D)
What's this wallet doing here?
(looks inside)
Oy! Reaper! You've forgotten your wallet! What?!
The wallet is floated upward into the light which rapidly recedes into the sky.
GRANDMA (CONT'D)
(to sky)
What are you doing?! You're supposed to take me into heaven!
Not the Grim Reaper's wallet!
EXT. THE STREET. MOMENTS LATER
Hermion is in the distance, looking at his watch, he hasn't heard - Grandma Porter's shouting is inaudible.
HERMION O/S
Seemed like a normal day, picking up an ordinary Octogenarian (that's
someone who's eighty years old to you) grandmother of four. The last thing
I expected was that this average pickup would be the catalyst for the much
heralded, long delayed, often trumpeted but not yet delivered, Apocalypse
on Earth.
EXT. HEAVEN WAY STATION. DAY.
A burst of harp music and heavenly music.
The Way-Station is an expanse of white buildings. A thin shroud of mist covers the floor. In the distance is the Way Station Center. A big building with a tall clock spire.
WAY STATION ASSISTANTS, dressed in blue, help new arrivals toward the Way Station Center. One young male assistant, MYERS, directs a group of people in skiing outfits.
MYERS
(to group)
This way everyone .. new arrivals to be processed into heaven this way.
A MIDDLE AGED LADY
(raising a hand)
Isn't this heaven then?
MYERS
No. This is the Heaven Way Station, half way to heaven, madam ..
where we process new souls .. .. Now, may I have those who were
smashed to bits on the skiing precipice first, and not those who died
in the subsequent avalanche.
A MIDDLE AGED MAN
Excuse me - I was smashed to bits on the precipice and died in
the subsequent avalanche.
MYERS
There's always one trouble maker ..
Hermion enters, wearing dungarees and carrying an urn with a head in it.
MYERS (CONT'D)
Mr Death! Everyone! A bit of a surprise! The Grim Reaper's
here in person today! A real honor!
Several women scream.
MYERS (CONT'D)
A bit of a different look for you, sir ..
HERMION
Oh, my dungarees, you mean? I got covered with beans, Myers,
and this candy floss was all I had in the fridge ..
MYERS
Yes, sir .. Anyway, the reason I wasn't expecting you, is that you were due at
the Births, Deaths and Reincarnations staff meeting half an hour ago ..
Hermion rushes off in the direction of the Heaven Way Station Center.