As the sun rose and morning turned into afternoon, five o’clock loomed on the horizon. Looking at the time he popped some amphetamines and got ready for his appointment. As he left his house through his front door a shiver ran down his spine as he realised how empty his house was. He set off down the street, not bothering to use his car, which sat in his short driveway, with a shiny new paint job and headlights like a pups, longing for attention.
Almost like a drunk he stumbled into town, his eyes longing to close, he used what little energy he had to keep them open. He pulled out the counsellors contact card and read the address; he then set off in that direction. As he approached the building, the sinking sun glinted orange off the windows and shone in his face temporary blinding him. The sky was pretty much clear except for a few whiskers of cloud here and there that were speeding like a car across the darkening sky.
As he entered the building an old, grey haired receptionist sat behind an imitation wood desk. As he approached the smell of polish hit like a ton of bricks and he began to sneeze violently. For several seconds he thought it would never end. When it did he felt slightly more alert.
“Bless me.” He said “Hi I’ve got a five o’clock appointment with…” after looking at the card in his hand he finished “Mr Mullan”.
“Ok. What is your name?” she queried.
“Jack McGuire”
“OK he is expecting you, please go through the door behind you, and then it is the second on the right” pointing as she said it.
“Thank you” said Jack as he turned on the spot.
As he opened the door he was greeted with the sight of a small but well lit corridor. A sky light showed that the sky was now becoming a dark blue and the small clump of clouds he had saw before had now changed to a dark orangey-red colour.
He knocked the solid wooden door. “Come in!” said a muffled voice.
As he opened the door he immediately saw Mr Mullan sitting on a green arm chair, behind a cluttered mahogany desk. The room was lit by lamp in the corner behind Mr Mullan.
“Sit please” he said as he gestured to an identical chair to the one he was sitting on.
As he sat down Mr Mullan continued to talk.
“Now, I have been asked by your employer Mr Blackwell to counsel you and to help you overcome your problems. Mr Blackwell has told me about your recent tragedy, not that I needed telling, as soon as I heard your name I recognised it from the papers. Please accept my condolences for your loss. Now please be honest as by not helping me, you are inadvertently not helping yourself. Have you grieved for your loss?”
Jack mumbled something.
“Pardon?”
“Losses”. He said.
“But I thought…”
“No I made sure the papers didn’t print it but my wife was… was...” his lower jaw began to tremble and he struggled to not cry. Once he fought it back he continued “my wife was pregnant”.
“Oh I’m so sorry. Did you grieve through for your losses?”
“No”.
“Not even at the funeral?”
“No.”
“You don’t have to but you may find it helps if you talk about it to me. It may help you to overcome the worst and properly grieve. You blame yourself don’t you?”
“It was… it was my fault.” The tears tried to come again but he fought them back.
“I am sure it wasn’t but tell you what, tell me exactly what happened and I will judge for myself if it was your fault.”
“OK. As long as you tell my boss I am fine.”
“Deal.”
“OK. It was Christmas Eve and my girlfriend and I were at a party.” He said drearily. Then the amphetamines began to kick in and started to wake him up. At around one the party was slowly empting as everyone wished each other a Merry Christmas. I had had a few but Sheila knowing about the baby had had orange juice all night. She was going to drive the car. As we left I remember it was icy and she was wearing her favourite long skirt. The one I bought her. It was black and went down to her ankles and gave her little movement. I had to carry her most of the way to the car in my arms as she was afraid of falling. As we reached the car I remember snow began to fall .It was lovely, the way it slowly drifted about, blown by the wind, and how it turned orange in the street lights. We watched it for several minutes then we got in the car. I was in the passenger seat. Our house was only twenty minutes from the party so we were in no hurry.
About half was to our house on a quiet country road I asked her to stop the car because I said I was going to be sick. It was all part of the plan you see. When she stopped I got out of the car and pretended to throw up, while reaching to my pocket and pulling out the ring. On my way back to the car I pretended to fall. She leaned over the passenger seat to see if I was ok. I quickly got up onto one knee. I remember seeing her worried face just as I opened the rings’ box. Holding it out I asked the question and I saw that expression change so fast, from a concerned one to a shocked one to an excited one. Without thinking at all she said yes. Feeling on top on the world I slid the ring on and jumped back into the car and kissed her. Oh, I was so happy. Just as she had released the pull the handbrake I told her I loved her. I remember that look in her eyes; it was full of love and excitement. Because I had distracted she didn’t see those looming headlights in the rear view mirror. I had had a few and although I wasn’t drunk my reactions were slow and by the time I said something the van had slammed into the back of the car, and it set the car in motion. I, without my seat belt was flung out the open passenger door, where I must have been knocked unconscious, as I don’t remember anything until I woke and I found the car around a tree. I called an ambulance but the paramedics said she had died as the car had hit the tree. The van driver was still alive but he died on the way to the hospital in the ambulance.
So don’t you see, it was my fault, I distracted her, I got her killed!”
“You cannot blame your self that was not your fault.”
“Don’t you see had I not distracted her….”
“Had you not distracted her, the van would have most likely still hit you, in the paper the police concluded the van driver was speeding. No matter what the van would have hit you, it could have even killed you both. Be thankful you have still got your life! Do you think your fiancé would want you to live the rest of your life this? No. She would want you to get over it and enjoy the rest of your life and die happy.
“But…” Jack knew he was right however. The tears tried to come again. The amphetamines had begun to wear off however and he was too tired too fight them off. They broke through and tear after tear began to run down his face. All he wanted to do now was go home, He felt at ease for the first time in many weeks. He knew that if he went home he would have a peaceful sleep. He got up and ran as fast as he could, still crying. He only got a glimpse of the receptionist as he ran past and even then the tears blurred her. As he got outside he found it was now dark with only street lights providing light. He tried to clear his eyes as he ran. When he finally did stop crying he was across the street from his house. Something caught his eye. As he looked up he saw it was the North Star. As he starred at it he realised it wasn’t actually the North Star that caught his eye but what was flying above it. A single bright shooting star, the first he had ever seen. He kept staring at it as he ran to his house, now sure that his fiancé where ever she was didn’t blame him for her death. He was so preoccupied with the shooting star he never saw the car coming. He heard the squeal of breaks however but by then it was too late. He flew across the air and his head smacked off the pavement with a spine tingling crunch. As he lay there he finally knew that his nightmares would stop.
