Thinking about it now, I probably shouldn't have left, but in all fairness to me, I couldn't have stayed either
Your Shoes
Thinking about it now, I probably shouldn't have left, but in all fairness to me, I couldn't have stayed either. My father and I constantly fought and my mother, well she was hardly a saint in all this. She usually backed me, but not this time. It just shows that she did in fact think the same things of me as my father; they had the same opinions of me. So in fact she was in alliance with my father. I had to leave I couldn't stay any longer. They wouldn't listen; neither of them could understand how I was feeling. I was forced in to two options, to leave or, or to, well that option seems to be my only other option again now.
As much as I hate them, I hate this more, living rough and on my own is hardly what I expected. I have to fend for myself, which is impossible as I have no money, and no qualifications. I originally thought that I might stay in a hostel, or at a friend's, but I can't. It's too close to home. In the end I had to go further away, I only had enough money to get me two and a half hours away from home.
That first night was the worst, I had no where to go so I slept on one of the benches at the station. I was so scared, being there on my own, it was cold, dark and the noises, the noises scared me most of all. Occasionally I heard the odd scream, but it was the creaking and the wind that scared me the most, along with the late night trains. I didn't sleep a wink, I couldn't I was too afraid to shut my eyes. There were a few other people there, some young, and some as ...
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That first night was the worst, I had no where to go so I slept on one of the benches at the station. I was so scared, being there on my own, it was cold, dark and the noises, the noises scared me most of all. Occasionally I heard the odd scream, but it was the creaking and the wind that scared me the most, along with the late night trains. I didn't sleep a wink, I couldn't I was too afraid to shut my eyes. There were a few other people there, some young, and some as old as my grandmother would have been, had she still been alive. She was a nice lady, but unfortunately she is dead. I could have stayed with her, if she was still here. I could talk to her more than I could talk to my mother, I was always afraid of what my mother would say or think.
This is hell, and it is killing me, I can't bear it I don't want to be anymore. I want my mum back I want to return. Maybe they will want me back; perhaps she'll help me. I'm in a rut and I can't escape and get out, I need help. I know how stupid I was to leave my life, my home, and my family. They seem better and better, day-by-day. I'm beginning to miss them, as well as my mum's cooking, my room and especially my bed. But that won't happen my family hate me, that's why I had to leave, they practically forced me out, they're rid of me now and I can never return. Because they don't want or need me anymore, they probably don't even miss me. But honestly I know myself truly at heart, I miss them and I regret leaving to a certain extent. I wonder now if I had of stayed if the situation could have been sorted.
But maybe it couldn't, maybe I made the right decision. Oh I just don't know anymore, what's done is done, maybe I left at the right time. I know how I feel and how much I miss them but this was my only option. I can't have regrets now, but its too late and I know that. I have made my decision and now I must live with the consequences. This is my life now and this is the way it's got to be, I can't ever go back, not now, not ever. Especially not after that last fight, it was the last straw. My father and I had fought a lot before, but not like this. We had always made up and gotten over it. But not this time, I couldn't forgive him, let alone speak to him, not now. Now that he had thought and said those harsh words about me. How could he be so cruel? I was so hurt, so ashamed, I felt so confused. I never wanted to hurt or let my parents down.
I told them the truth, as I thought it would be better if they knew, but obviously not after that reaction. I'm not a 'dirty little slut', I'm just me, and I'm just doing what every other girl my age does.
My life is changing now, unfortunately for the worse. In a couple of months it would have been justifiable my father saying those words to me, those unkind, hurtful words would be true. As I am turning to the only way of life I can. The only that I can get money for food, water, clothes, and other necessities. I don't want to but it's the only way, because I'm not a quitter and I wont resort to, to... its not the end yet! I'm going to try, but first I need money and well I hate myself for resorting to this after all the fights we had, my father's words are coming true. I feel so ashamed. I don't want to let him down.
Its all his fault though, he's to blame, he's the one who drove me to this. No I wont let it be, I can't I don't want to be a 'dirty little slut'. I'd rather die first. At least when I'm dead I can't disappoint him. I wish I could apologise to both of my parents, but mainly my mother. Hopefully one day, she'll read this and understand how I felt, and why I didn't return. If she does then:
Mum, I'm sorry, I didn't want it to be like this, but in the end there was no hope, I had no other options. I'm so sorry I love you! I wish I could say good-bye in person, properly, but I can't. This is the end, and I am so terribly sorry but I don't feel that I have any other options. I hope that one day you can forgive me for this, and that you will one-day love me again. I'm sorry for disappointing you; I never meant to hurt you!
I'm sorry but Good Bye!
