However, I’m really angry and livid with Mattie because he didn’t listen to me. He ignored me. He was so stubborn. The outcome of him being as stubborn as a mule was that he lost his life. This is what he got for standing by his words. I told him so many times not to go on war but, he just paid no attention to my ingenuous words. He thought I was uncooperative and unaccommodating. I was pulling him back because I didn’t want to lose him. Why would anyone want to lose their loved one? Their beloved? Mattie was my life… Now I’m just the body who has to live for her son otherwise I’m dead, Mattie was my soul and he died and took my soul with him. We had something different about our relationship. Something distinctive? Different? Something unique! To comfort me he said Lord Fordham will give the warrior’s family money. But, he didn’t give us a guarantee that we will get our loved ones back. Lord Fordham can buy all the happiness in the world for us but he can never replace Mattie. Mattie was irreplaceable and inimitable. He was unique. Money can buy and replace everything but can’t replace a dead person like Mattie.
But, I’m proud of Mattie because he had a sense of his country and love for his country. He was ready to dedicate and devote his life to his country. He was a scrupulous soldier. Mattie was a patriot. A supporter of his country. He enlisted because he believed in conflict for justice. He was a idealist. Mattie wanted history to prove that he was a hero. And… he did. Soldiers are brave men; their lives are tools for our safety. They put themselves in danger to protect us, so we can sleep a peaceful sleep. We can live in the country freely with no danger around. But, a soldier’s bravery is never noted. As one wise man said “Soldiers generally win battles; generals get credit for them”. Soldiers give their lives up but their bravery isn't recognised as much as a general’s is recognised; even though soldiers work their hardest. Mattie wanted to live his life as a combat soldier. He was a true combat soldier because he stood by his word and never turned back. He had the guts to enlist for the war and fight it. He was a true, genuine and authentic hero.
Sometimes, I think Mattie was selfish, self-centred and self-interested because if he bothered about us… he would have stayed and comforted us during the hard time and enjoyed the good times with us. But, he didn’t, because he wanted to finish his dreams. It was always about him. Him! HIM!!! If only he hadn’t been selfish, he would have been here with us. I stopped him so many times, like that time at the church when Polly and Lizzie were showing him the pale white feather. The feather made the men who hadn’t enlisted feel guilty and bad about themselves. Most of the people who saw the feather went to enlist for the war. It was like the feather hypnotized men into changing their minds into going on war. I told Mattie not to go on war once Polly and Lizzie left but he remained to be as stubborn as a fact. Why was he like? Doesn’t he care about me and John. How can some not care for their loves one? I was so puzzled when he did that. It almost felt to me as he didn’t care if we existed or not. To him we didn’t mean anything. How can someone be that selfish?
My life was surrounded around Mattie’s. He was the candle and I was the flame. Without the candle there is no flame. Now that Mattie has gone, I don’t exist. My life is now decimated because Mattie is decimated. As people say love is life. And if you miss love, you miss life. I lost love so I lose him. He was my darling… my sweetheart… my honey… But, now he is my nothing because he doesn’t EXIST!!! I should just move on. Just live life in admiration, adoration and affection of Mattie. At least that way I will be able to forget him a little. Take my mind of him. But, I just can’t. He was my life. My reason of living/being. He was the sparkle of my life. I gave my life up for him and now I’m giving my life up to John. I’m the only person John has in this world. Otherwise, he’s got no one. He’s lonely. Now when I see a picture of Mattie, I can feel him in wind, the sun ray and in me. He is everywhere to take care for us the way he took care the country in the war. He was a true soldier. A true hero. Both ways a combater and a family soldier.
