Soon I started to think about what all my new friends were doing in relation to what I was doing. I wasn’t having random sex with people I barely knew, without any intention of ever speaking to them again. And why not? Because only “bad” girls did that? My friends weren’t “bad,” were they? Heavens NO! I started to conceive of myself doing something like that. I could do that! Everyone else is doing it, why shouldn’t I? I was using neutralizing devices. One of these devices in particular stands out in my mind: I remember thinking “I’ll just try it once, and that’s it.” At this point I became willing.
About a week later, I went out with my roommate with the intention of having a one-night stand. We went to a party at the Just for Laughs building, and I started cruising the crowd for a cute boy. Being in a room full of guys, it was not hard for me to find one that I thought was a good candidate. I had had a few drinks, so I felt good. I strolled right up to him and started chatting. We talked, danced, and drank the night away…until closing time came. Would I really go home with this guy I barely knew? Yes, I would. But I was still at the ‘invitational edge;’ I could still have backed out of the situation at any time if I had wanted to.
Step 2: Crossing the ‘Invitational Edge’
We left the building and walked up St-Laurent towards the street where he lived. The walk seemed so long, with such unimportant conversation. It was as if we both already knew what would happen. I know I did at least. It was like I had already crossed the ‘invitational edge’ just by leaving with this stranger. We arrived at his apartment. I remember thinking as we walked into his living room “oh God, what am I doing!?” But I was determined. I initiated the first kiss. We turned down the lights, and put in a movie. We never watched a minute of that movie. Of course one thing led to another, and soon it had happened, I crossed the ‘invitational edge’. I had sex with some guy I barely knew and had no intention of ever talking to him again.
Step 3: “On the Side” and Ban – being bedeviled and transparency
I had never really considered the fact that there were terms and issues on the side of my conversion to deviance until I wrote this paper. I suppose it is possible that the person I chose for my deviant act could have been unwilling to have a one-night stand with me. In that case, my whole plan would have been foiled. Luckily for my deviant streak, that was not the case.
I knew that having a one-night stand was something that many people would disapprove of, especially my mother and friends back home. The fact that this did not stop me shows that I was bedeviled. In fact, I think it made me want to do it more. I had been told so many times that this was a “bad” thing to do, that I was curious about why. I rebelled against the authorities that were telling me that this activity was deviant, and went right ahead and did it anyway. I knew that I would have to lie to cover up what I had done, and I did lie to cover up what I had done. In the case of my deviant act, this is ban. I had to lie to cover up what I had done, because I knew that the people I cared most about in this world would be very upset if they knew what had happened.
To make matters worse, I was completely transparent in my lies. I did tell my friends back home what had happened, but I was insistent that it was not a one-night stand. I was insistent that I would see this guy again. I knew they doubted what I was saying. I could hear it in their voices over the phone. They might as well have just come out and said, “Sure, sure Katrina…you know you’re bullshitting us.” I didn’t even know his last name or phone number, how could I have intended to ever talking to him again?
To my mother, I lied by omission. I just completely denied that I had met any guys since I had been in Montreal. Of course she too knew I was lying. My mother knows me. She knew it was impossible that I hadn’t met any guys that I had any interest in amongst the thousands of people I had met. Especially being me – always crushing on some boy at school as a little girl, and always having a boyfriend as soon as I was old enough. The worst part was that I knew she knew I was lying. My mother is always so good at making sure I know that she knows I’m lying. I do not know how she does it, but she always does.
Step 4: Getting Caught and Labeled – petty and massive collaboration
At first, it didn’t bother me that everyone knew what had happened. I didn’t think I had done anything wrong. I was just ‘having fun’ with no expectations. I didn’t think my friends and family would view me differently. I was wrong. My friends at home were continuously making reference to what I had done. They would indirectly let me know that they disapproved of my behaviour. I remember my friend Ashley, who I have known since birth, telling me about this ‘slut’ she had met who had done exactly what I had done – the ‘slut’ had a one-night stand. Was she trying to tell me something? I believed the answer was yes; she thought that my actions made me a ‘slut.’
I began to feel guilty. My friends and family were thinking that I had done something ‘wrong.’ Maybe they didn’t know exactly what, but they knew at least that I was lying to them. Suddenly, I felt the need to explain my actions to those that did know what happened. I was ‘under the spell’. When my friends asked me about it, I answered and gave long explanations as to why I had done what I did. “I just wanted to know what it was like.” “Everyone was doing it.” “Everyone should experience it at last once in their life, so that they know what it’s like.” These are only a few of the phrases I used to justify what I had done. If it was true that I didn’t think I had done anything wrong, I would not have felt this need to explain my behaviour. In some ways I was justifying what I had done to myself as well. I knew I wasn’t slut, but by justifying my actions, I was indirectly admitting that I felt like one. I was engaging in petty and massive collaboration. Needless to say, my guilt caused me to never have a one-night stand again.
Conclusion: Still ‘under the spell’
I am now a deviant. I have done something I feel was “wrong” and “bad” and that I can never take back. Still, to this day, I feel guilty for my actions that night. I still feel the need to justify my behaviour when the issue comes up, and I still feel like my actions were ‘sluttish.’ Maybe it is simply a sign that I am the type of person that needs to follow the rules laid out by society in order to feel respected (I am attending university after all) or maybe I just know that I did what I did partially out of peer pressure. Maybe my feelings are all a result of the other people in my life influencing my thoughts about the ‘deviant’ activity I committed. Either way, I know that I am still ‘under the spell,’ and I’m not sure if I ever won’t be.
