Arranges Marriages: These kind of marriages are characterised by formal behaviour and certain rules of etiquette from proposal to marriage, hence they are also called etiquette marriages. The original custom involved a simple exchange of gifts between two families. In the Zhou Dynasty (1027 – 221 BC) the arranged marriages were ritualized and six rituals were established and recorded in The Book of Rites. Based on those etiquettes, arranged marriages were popularised among the reigning class and later also among the civilians. After Confucianism became the main influence in social ideology, arranged marriages became the main marriage form in the Chinese feudal societies for more than 2,000 years. Even in modern society, this kind of marriage still exerts a great influence and in the following paragraphs, a systematic description of this marriage form will be presented.
Finding a partner
“Marriage was for continuing the ancestral line and creation alliances between families -; too important a duty to be left in the rash hands of the young.”
This quote shows how important a marriage was regarded. The three basic elements of an arranged marriage in ancient China were the parental sanction, the Matchmaking and the betrothal gifts. Generally speaking, society at that time believed that marriages were obtained by the gods and therefore sacred, as a result this life-changing event was handled with utmost care, so much that the typical Chinese wedding ceremony evolved into an complicated sequence of rites and customs.
Major considerations in arranging their children’s marriage were not unlike those of modern-day parents. They would consider the age, status, appearance and wealth of their potential sons- or daughters-in-law.
Age: this was one of the first consideration points. The couple should be of marriageable age, meaning mature enough to live as husband and wife and the age difference should not be too big. According to The Rites of Zhou (周礼) and The Book of Rites (礼记), a man’s marriageable age ranged from 20 to 30 years, a woman’s from 15 to 20 or 23 years, by which they would have reached physical and mental maturity, be self-disciplined and independently responsible. It was common for the husband to be three to five years older than his wife, a 10 to 12 year age difference was probably the limit, since a couple which age differences exceeded this, would fall victim to gossip and ridicule.
Yet there were exceptions, for example in the Sui and Tang Dynasties. In these societies scholars were viewed very highly. A scholar had to prepare for and pass the annual imperial examinations in order to become an official in the emperor’s court and a career would guarantee one’s future in terms of wealth, reputation and authority. Aspiring scholars focused much of their attention on their studies and might have to attend the imperial examinations repeatedly, sidestepping the marriage issue year after year until they succeeded. In this way, scholars were far older than their wives.
In the Ming (1368 – 1644 AD) and Qing (1644 – 1911) Dynasties it was popular for a wife to be slightly older than her husband, since an older girl was more likely to take better care of her parents-in-law and her husband and to better manage household affairs.
Status: by the time of the Zhou Dynasty (1027 – 221B.C.) marriages were conducted according to social ranks, especially among the reigning classes. For example, a minister in a powerful country could make a marriage alliance with a noble in a weak country, while a prince in a weak country only could marry a senior official’s daughter in a powerful country.
Appearance: the couple’s appearance and talents were important factors in a harmonious marriage. In general, a young woman would focus more on her prospective husband’s virtue and talent, while a young man would pay more attention to his prospective wife’s appearance. This behaviour can still be seen in the modern time China.
Wealth: This was an important point of reference in marriages. Two families united by marriage had to present betrothal gifts which were of similar worth. The bridegroom’s family expected a good dowry and the bride’s family expected similar good betrothal gifts.
Yet, not all parents were tyrants when it came to deciding their children’s marriages. Some considered their daughter’s or son’s wishes before asserting their authority. However, there were cases of extreme conservative and obstinate parents, which would take complete control of their offspring’s marriages even before their birth. Thus arose two abnormal marriage customs: antenatal betrothals and posthumous marriages.
In antenatal betrothals, children were engaged to be married even before they were born, which had many disadvantages, for example one of the children could become seriously ill, very poor or work in a faraway place. For the sake of the social stability, the government banned this practice, but were not able to eradicate it entirely.
Posthumous Marriages, also marriages with the death or ghost marriages meant that unmarried young man and women were married in the after world by the arrangement of their living parents.
If a son died before marriage, his parents arranged a ghost marriage in order to provide him with children to continue the lineage and give him his own family.
Miniature house, furniture and money made out of paper were burnt for the dead in the belief that they would be able to enjoy these material possessions just like the living do. In the Ming and Qing dynasties another type of posthumous marriages arose – marriages between the dead and the living. For example, if one’s betrothed died before the marriage, the living partner still had to marry the one who had died. If it was the woman who died, her groom had to bring her spirit tablet home in a sedan chair and regard her as his lawful wife. Later he could take a concubine, who would never be given the full status of a rightful, but only his second wife. If it was the man dying before the marriage, his bride had to live a life of a widow at the home of her parents-in-law for the rest of her life after the wedding ceremony.
As the practice of monogamous arranged marriages became more widespread, parents sought help from relatives and friends to find possible candidates to marry their child and to carry out background checks. Thus matchmaking came into being and became essential in the wedding procedures. The vast majority of Matchmakers were married women, thus leading credibility to their skill in finding a good match for those intending to get married. Until the present day, the custom of matchmaking has persisted.
The matchmaker’s role was just as important as that of the parents in the arranged marriage. As Confucianism attained a dominant position in the social ideology, restrictions on contact between unmarried men and women became stricter. This way, appearance, disposition and proficiency in needlework were unknown to the people outside the family. Matchmakers had contact with many families and therefore knew everything about these families, like social status and relationships, their children’s physical appearance, dispositions and so on. Since marriages were arranged based on considerations of those, a matchmaker was necessary for the parents to learn more about prospective sons- or daughters-in-law.
According to The Rites of Zhou (周礼), official and private matchmakers existed before the Qin Dynasty. Official matchmakers provided legal recognition of a marriage. Later on, private matchmakers became popular and had the same authority as the official ones.
Engagement
Traditionally, the matchmaker delivered the proposal from the bridegroom’s side with which the discussion about weddings began. Before the Qin Dynasty (221 – 207 BC) people would offer a wild goose as a gift, as some people regarded those as punctual and honest birds. Others considered them as a symbol of a lasting marriage as they only have one mate throughout their lives. Yet, from the Qin and Han dynasties, the gifts changed. The family would for example send a bouquet of lilies or domesticated ducks or geese instead of a wild goose.
If the girl’s family was satisfied with what the matchmaker presented them, they would accept the gift; otherwise they would politely reject the offer.
Once the gift was accepted, the matchmaker would report the news to the bridegroom’s family, who then would ask the matchmaker to take another gift to the girl’s family in exchange for detailed information of the bride’s family, including the parent’s family names, the bride’s name, whether the girl has siblings and her exact time of birth. It was usually written on a piece of red paper.
The compatibility of the marrying couple was analyzed with the help of a chart of the couple’s “eight characters”. Fortune-tellers played an important role in this, as they could determine a person’s eight characters based on astrological calculations. The families of the couple who intended to get married would take the detailed birth information about the prospective couple to the fortune teller to see if their eight characters were in harmony. If their birth information matched properly, it meant that they would have good luck in their marriage; otherwise the pairing would be unsuitable and would bring harm to the couple and their families.
The compatibility of the Chinese Zodiac Signs of the couple also was important. There were many superstitious beliefs based on Chinese zodiac compatibility, for example, in the northern part of China, a girl born in the year of the goat was considered harmful, because she could bring an early death to her husband. In order to get a good match, the families of those girls would disguise the information. The taboos revolving around the compatibility varied. For instance, in some places, a person born in the year of the snake should not be married to a person born in the year of a dragon, because both are aggressive animals.
After the parents had compared the couple’s birth information, the pre-wedding procedures could go ahead if the results were good. The bridegroom’s family would inform the bride’s family about the good result of the comparison and ask them to fix the time of the wedding. The parents on both sides arranged meetings in order to exchange more information on the couple and to get to know each other. No matter when or where they met, the Matchmaker would stay with them and introduce the two sides.
After the bride’s parents agreed to the marriage, the bridegroom’s side would offer betrothal gifts. These not only signified that the woman had promised to marry the man and was not allowed to change her mind once the gifts were accepted; it also meant economic compensation for the bride’s family. Some people would separate the engagement period into two stages, “offering minor betrothal gifts” and “offering major betrothal gifts”. The time between offering those was not fixed.
The minor betrothal gifts, like jewellery or tea, were a kind of engagement gift. The bridegroom’s family would first offer the gifts to the bride’s family through the matchmaker. Sometimes the future mother-in-law would visit the bride’s family in order to present the gifts herself and the bride-to-be was expected to show respectful manners in order to show the seriousness about the marriage. After receiving the minor betrothal gifts, the bride’s side would serve a big dinner and present some gifts like hats or shoes to the bridegroom’s family in return, but the most important one was a piece of sewing or embroidery work which was personally made by the bride-to-be. This showed off her skill’s and intelligence – the more complex the design, the greater the bride’s mental ability.
The offering of the major betrothal gifts was more formal and ceremonious. The gifts were presented on an auspicious day; friends and relatives of both families were usually invited for this ceremony. In the Song Dynasty (960 – 1279 AD) it was likely to offer headgear, cosmetics, fans with painted flowers, painting, money and fruit as major betrothal gifts for the bride-to-be. In the late Qing Dynasty (1644 – 1911 AD) it was also common to present many food boxes with dried noodles, cakes, desserts, fresh and dried fruit, wine, tea and so on.
The matchmaker and relatives of the bridegroom would take the gifts to the bride’s family. As they carried the gifts, they would parade through the streets to give an impression that they were rich and very generous, as the numbers of gifts corresponded to the economic and social status of the man’s family. After receiving the gifts, the bride’s family would offer tea or fruits and show the gifts to neighbours and thereby raise the bride’s social status. Sometimes the bride’s family would send back gifts, like pens, Chinese ink, paper and ink-stones.
The next step was to decide on the wedding day. The groom’s family would ask the bride’s family to choose among several auspicious wedding dates suggested by the man’s family. Until today, Chinese families still choose auspicious dates for the wedding, which are based on the bride and groom’s day and time of birth.
Wedding Preparations
The first and most important task for the bridegroom’s family was to prepare the bridal chamber. This was the “new house” for the couple. Most bridal chambers were nearby the bedroom of the parents-in-law, because the bride should look after her mother-in-law.
Typical furniture for the bedroom included a bed, one large and one small table, a wardrobe, chest drawers, chairs and a clothes-rack. For the study, a desk and bookshelves were essential items. Wealthy families would use rare woods to make the bridal chamber furniture. They hired craftsman to customize the furniture. These craftsmen would decorate the furniture with various kinds of designs, which were not only for decorative purposes, but were also the expression of good wished for the couple. In modern times, this custom is still in use in a simplified version. In my experience, everything besides the furniture was renewed, like curtains, bedding, carpet, lamps and so on.
While the family of the bridegroom arranged the bridal chamber, the bride’s family prepared the trousseau. In ancient times, the bride’s trousseau referred to the dressing case a woman used for her make-up. Later, it was extended to include all practical and ritual articles the bride would bring to the bridegroom’s family at her wedding. The bride’s parents would prepare a generous and valuable trousseau to express their love for their daughter, to declare the families’ good reputation and to ensure that their daughter would be well regarded in her husband’s family. Usually these wedding preparations became a heavy economic burden on the family because of the large expenses. Wealthy families would provide an extravagant trousseau, including house and land, shops, servants and maids, gold, silver, jewellery, silks and various kinds of daily utensils. Middle-class families prepared them according to their respective economic condition.
In general there were certain essential articles like wooden utensils, for example jewellery boxes, dressing tables or chests; decorative utensils, including jade ornaments, porcelain vessels, wine vessels, tea jars and so on; cloth products, like quilts, pillows, mosquito nets, curtains and so on; washing and dressing utensils, including mirrors, combs, hair pins, basins for washing the face and feet, bathtubs, et cetera.
One or three days before the wedding ceremony, the bridegroom’s family would send other betrothal gifts to the bride’s family as a reminder that it was time to send the dowry. This dowry was placed on special tables and firmly tied with a red rope to the railings. The value of it was measured according to the number of these tables. At the bridegroom’s residence, family and friends would be waiting to receive the procession bearing the dowry. Its arrival would be welcomed by drums, gongs, pipes and fireworks. Afterwards, the groom’s helpers would unload the dowry items. The first items to be carried inside the house were mosquito net, bedding and the wardrobes. Finally, the bridegroom’s family would hold a grand feast to entertain all the relatives who were part of the dowry parade.
The making of the bed in the bridal chamber was another important custom. This task was performed by a fully blessed woman, meaning a woman with a living husband, sons and daughters, since it was believed that such a woman could bring good luck to the couple. After the bed was in place, children were invited onto the bed as an omen of fertility. For the same reason, red dates, oranges, seeds, peanuts and other fruits were spread onto the bed. This is done even in the modern times. On my own wedding day, held in Tianjin, China, I found peanuts, seeds and dried dates scattered on the bed, hidden underneath the bedding.
After the procedure of making the bed, there were still many other things to do, such as placing the decorative articles - like paper-cut designs, drawings and wedding couplets -, hanging the mirror, placing wardrobes, chest and cloth racks. There were many different symbols wishing good luck to the couple, like a frog design, which was a symbol for fertility, a flying phoenix design or the dragon-and-phoenix design for prosperity. One of the most important symbol one can find in every room at a Chinese wedding until today is the Double Happiness symbol. It is a standard character for happiness.
Meanwhile the last ritual to be performed by the bride’s family before the wedding ceremony was the daughter’s crying and the singing of sad songs at their departure. The night before the wedding the bride should express her sorrow, grief or even anger at her departure by crying and singing either about her gratefulness toward her parents, the deep affection for her brothers and sisters or the closeness with her friends. Nowadays it is usual that the bride spends the night before the wedding away from the groom.
While the bride’s family was immersed in sorrow the night before the wedding, the bridegroom’s side would be busy with other tasks. These included eight or sixteen virgin boys singing congratulatory songs in the bridal chamber to frighten away evil spirits. Also they had to find two healthy, good-looking boys to sleep on the wedding bed, because generally, it was believed that once the wedding bed had been made, it should not be left empty for even one night, nor should the groom be allowed to sleep on it alone. The people believed that this would increase the chances of the couple having a healthy firstborn son.
The Wedding Day
Weddings were occasions filled with an atmosphere of celebration and beating drums. First, the groom had to show his respect and admiration for his bride and therefore he had to go to her home to escort her from there to the groom’s residence, where the wedding ceremony was held. Before the Qin Dynasty (221 – 207 BC), escorting the bride took usually place after dusk. Later, as astrology became more popular, lucky times were calculated and considered. When the bridal chair was about to start from the bridegroom’s residence, firecrackers, gongs and drums send it off, during which an old couple who had many children and grandchildren was invited to act as the two immortals of happiness and wealth. They would inspect the sedan chair and then hold a piece of iron with smouldering incense into it in order to drive out evil spirits. The groom led the procession and the bridal chair was preceded by attendants with lanterns, musicians and a ‘dancing’ lion.
As the escorts arrived at the bride’s home, her family would stand in the street to stop the carriage from advancing. This had two practical functions, first to win the bride some time to put on her makeup and change her clothes and secondly to wait for the auspicious time. While the two families waited, relatives, friends and neighbours would joke with one another and a band would play festive music. During that time the bride would begin preparing for her entrance. She would change her hairstyle, discarding the hairstyle which she wore as a girl, meaning that she was no longer a girl but a wife. Then she would apply makeup and changing her dress. The traditional wedding dress included a red coat, a pair of red shoes, a ribbon, a skirt, a phoenix coronet and a robe embroidered with auspicious designs. At last she had to cover up her face by draping a red silk veil or a ‘curtain’ of tassels or beads on her head. After completing her wedding preparations, the bride would bow to her parents and the ancestral tablets. Only then could she appear in front of the guests. One can see a clear Western influence in this point. Nowadays the bride usually wears a white wedding dress, like women in the Western countries wear them, in the wedding ceremony itself; also she would throw her bridal bouquet she carried the entire ceremony through. Like in Europe or America, single women would gather behind the bride, trying to catch it. After that, the bride would change into other dresses to walk around to the guests to thank them for their attendance.
Back to traditional weddings, through the matchmaker, the groom would give some money wrapped in a piece of red paper to the bride’s family to ask them to open the gate, so that the bridal chair could be carried in. Since a bride should not get into the bridal sedan chair by herself, she was carried by her father or brother. Once the bride was seated in the sedan chair, she would be escorted to her new home. The bridal procession had to leave in the same order in which they arrived, yet, it was not allowed to take the same route they took to reach the bride’s residence. Nowadays, usually the groom picks up the bride from the place she spent the night with a convey of red cars in which members and friends of both families sit.
Just before the procession arrived at the groom’s home, firecrackers were set off again. The bride was not allowed to get out of the chair by stepping on the ground directly. Instead she had to walk on mats or a red carpet. When she came before the gate, she should not enter the house by stepping over the threshold. Usually, a saddle would be placed over the threshold and the bride would have to step over it. This symbolized safety and good luck. The next thing the relatives did was scattering beans and corn in the courtyard to drive away evil spirits. For the same reason, the groom had to shoot three arrows into the wedding hall before the bride entered it. After the bride finally reached the hall under the guidance of the matchmaker and her bride mates, the next procedure was the formal wedding ceremony.
In contrast to the elaborate customs, the wedding itself was relatively simple. At each altar which was set up, offerings of food, fruit and flowers were laid. The bridegroom inserted fresh incensed sticks into a bowl. Then the couple were conducted to the family altar to pay respect to Heaven and Earth and the ancestors. Tea, usually with two lotus seeds and two dates, in a cup were given to the groom’s parents. The tea ceremony was an important custom during the wedding ceremony. It is China’s national drink and serving it is a sign of respect. Lotus sees and dates are used, because the ancient Chinese believed that this would help the newlyweds getting children very soon and every year, which would ensure many grandchildren. On the wedding day, the bride would serve her parents tea before the groom arrives to show her respect and gratefulness. Traditionally, after the wedding ceremony, the new couple would serve tea to the groom’s elders by addressing them by formal title, for instance first aunt or youngest uncle. The general rule is to have the woman on the left and the man on the right side. The people being served would sit in chairs while the couple would kneel in front of them. The newlyweds served tea in a particular order, starting with the parent’s, then proceeding from the oldest family to the youngest. In return, the couple would receive red envelopes filled with money or jewellery. At modern weddings, the tea is served at the wedding ceremony only to the bride and groom’s parents. Later the couple goes around to each person attending the wedding to drink with them, usually Chinese wine. From my own experience, since there are too many people to drink with, bride and groom usually drink water, disguised as Chinese spirit.
In traditional weddings, the bride and the groom each held one end of a red-and-green ribbon with a love knot in the middle. Then the groom walked with his back to the bridal chamber, pulling the bride into the room and to go a short distance to welcome her. After they entered the bridal chamber, the groom first had to lift the bride’s veil. After the veil was lifted, the bride showed her true appearance to her husband the first time. Likewise, it was also the first time the bride would meet her husband. Then some people would spill sweets and coins on the bed and the bridal chamber for good luck and in hope they would have a baby very soon.
As recorded in The Book of Rites, in the ancient times an important custom in the bridal chamber was eating from the same bow, which signified that the couple was united. Later this custom evolved into the form of eating dumplings after drinking wine. As of my experience, when bought the dumplings on a plate, both the bride and the groom have to pick one and eat it. Then the groom’s relatives would ask if the dumpling is raw or not. Both should answer, that the dumpling they ate was raw, even if it was not, since the word for “raw” sounds the same as the word for “giving birth”, in hope that the couple would get a baby soon.
Drinking wine from one cup symbolized the union between the newlyweds. After the Tang-Dynasty, this practice evolved slightly. Wine was poured into two cups, from which bride and groom each drank half first, then exchanged the cups and drank the other half. Today, this custom of exchanging cups, or a slightly different practice, can still be seen in modern-day weddings.
After all the rituals had been performed, the wedding banquet, including the teasing of the bride and bridegroom began. People would ask embarrassing questions in the presence of other guests and relatives.
On the following day or on the thirst day after the wedding, the bride had to visit her husband’s family. This meeting involved the bride bowing to her parents-in-law and other family member and present gifts she had bought from her family. In return, the groom’s family would give her some gifts or money. Thus, the position of the bride in the groom’s family would be confirmed. She then would prepare some food for her new family which showed that the bride respected her parents-in-law and that she was a filial housewife.
Likewise, the groom had to be accepted by the bride’s family. After the wedding, the couple would arrange a day to visit the bride’s family, who would invite relatives and host a banquet for the new couple. In this way, the groom would be accepted as son-in-law. Traditionally the newlyweds would visit one month after the wedding, but later this was shifted to an earlier date. Even when the couple returned to the bride’s family home before the first month was up, they would not stay overnight, because the new couple should spend all nights of the first month of their marriage in the bridal chamber.
After the honeymoon, all the rituals of the wedding would come to an end.
For some families it is still considered inauspicious, if the newlyweds attend another couples wedding within the first month of their marriage. If this cannot be avoided though, both brides should exchange an apple and take a bit of it.
Conclusion
One can see that the Traditional Marriage Customs in China are very various, colourful and completely different from what we know. However, Chinese weddings cannot be generalized, considering the size of the country and the many different areas and peoples who all also had their own specific customs. In the long recorded history of over 2,400 years, the wedding customs evolved, underwent changes, were simplified and eventually were influenced by the Western culture by the increasing television, video and DVD culture. It shows, that although these changes took place, the main customs of the traditional wedding are still in use and honoured. In my opinion this is a very outstanding and interesting point since weddings nowadays show the merge of the old time thinking and customs and the modern time.
A question which came into my mind while writing this research project was, if this kind of combination of old and modern would be possible in Western countries.
Like the quote earlier in this Research Project was implying, until today a wedding in China is still a very important day, is handled carefully and conducted on a grand scale, as I experienced it myself.
Bibliography
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