Quelles sont les risques plus dangereux de la socit?
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Introduction
Quelles sont les risques plus dangereux de la soci�t� ? L'ob�sit�, les cigarettes, l'usage des drogues et l'abuse d'alcool contribuent � une augmentation des morts pr�matur�s dans le monde. En g�n�rale, je pense c'est en vouloir � la publicit� - beaucoup des publicit�s pour les cigarettes, l'alcool et les amuse-gueules visent les jeunes, et la plupart des probl�mes s�rieux commencent dans l'enfance. Le tabac est un probl�me tr�s grave - approximativement 80% de fumeurs d'adulte a commenc� � fumer avant l'�ge de 18 et, journalier, presque 3.000 jeunes sous l'�ge de 18 deviennent les fumeurs r�guli�res. Le tabagisme n'est pas seulement tr�s provoquant une d�pendance, mais est �galement extr�mement dangereux pour la sant� d'une personne : un fumeur r�gulier a un plus grand risque de ...read more.
Middle
Aussi, avec l'�ventail de jouets �lectroniques qui sont disponibles, de moins en moins les enfants ont une vie active, et en moyenne, les enfants entre 4 et 16 ans d�pensent vers le haut � 30 heures chaque semaine regardant la t�l�vision ou jouant des jeux d'ordinateur. Les drogues et l'abus d'alcool est un grand probl�me dans la soci�t� - un grand pourcentage des adolescents sont des victimes du penchant de drogue ou d'alcool, qui affecte non seulement la sant� de la personne mais peuvent ruiner leur vie. Il y a non seulement le danger � eux-m�mes mais �galement � d'autres autour de ils : autant de 17% de jeunes conducteurs a admis l'utilisation r�guli�re du cannabis, 12% emploient fr�quemment la coca�ne, 10% a indiqu� l'utilisation r�guli�re de l'extase et 10% a admis qu'ils ont r�guli�rement conduit que sous l'influence de l'alcool. ...read more.
Conclusion
Dans l'ensemble, je pense que l'ob�sit� est la plus grande menace � la soci�t�. C'est un tueur silencieux qui peut commencer � un �ge tr�s jeune, et souvent passe inaper�u. En �tant bidon de poids excessif menez � la maladie de c�ur, au diab�te et au cancer, et malheureusement, la Grande-Bretagne a eu l'augmentation la plus �lev�e des enfants ob�ses en dix derni�res ann�es de tous les autre pays, signifiant que nous avons la plupart risque. D'un solution � ce probl�me, je pense que les agences de publicit� devraient cesser viser des annonces pour les nourritures malsaines des enfants, et que l'empaquetage devrait �tre fait � clarifiant. L'�cole a pu aider aussi, en enseignant aux plus des enfants en bas �ge des risques de certaines nourritures et en �tant de poids excessif, aussi bien que pr�senter plus de sport pendant l'�cole et apr�s �cole. ...read more.
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Here's what a star student thought of this essay
4 star(s)
Response to the question
This essay is really well-written, with complex vocabulary, near-perfect spelling and grammar and good points that are supported by statistics and carefully evaluated, although the writer doesn't fully answer the question by discussing which risks are the most serious. The ...
Read full reviewResponse to the question
This essay is really well-written, with complex vocabulary, near-perfect spelling and grammar and good points that are supported by statistics and carefully evaluated, although the writer doesn't fully answer the question by discussing which risks are the most serious. The student states in their introduction that the risks for society they will discuss are smoking, drugs and alcohol and obesity. These are all good factors to use as answers to the question, and the writer focuses on them throughout, using each paragraph to discuss the ways in which one of these factors is dangerous for society. But it's hard to understand why they've reached the conclusion that obesity is the most dangerous factor, because they've just described each factor as very dangerous, so there's no sense that obesity is the most dangerous factor. They could try comparing the factors a bit and perhaps mention some reasons why drugs and smoking are less dangerous than obesity, so that it's clearer why they've concluded obesity is more dangerous. It looks a bit odd that they mention advertising in the first paragraph, setting up the expectation that this will be a major point in their essay, and then never again - maybe they could use the first paragraph to explain why they think obesity is the most dangerous risk instead?
Level of analysis
The writer shows appropriate analytical skills. For example, they explain why it's a problem that children under 5 are obese - because when they gain weight early, it's hard to make them lose it later. They use lots of statistics to back up their argument, which is really good because it shows they've understood and have researched their subject.
Quality of writing
The spelling and grammar are almost entirely accurate, apart from a couple of grammar mistakes - for instance, "l'école a pu" in paragraph 5, line 2 should be "l'école pourrait" because it's the conditional tense. There's a really good use of technical terms based on this issue, like "la maladie du coeur", and varied vocabularly - for instance, they use both "le tabac" et "le tabagisme" - which shows that they know several different French terms for the same thing, which is expected at A-level. The sentence structures are really complex and ambitious, and they've managed to use some examples of the past tense (eg. "En 2005, c'était découvert...") to show they can use a variety of tenses in French. They could try linking the different paragraphs together using connectives like "cependant" in order to make the essay more clear to read.
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Reviewed by bookworm699 30/03/2012
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