I took another step, more rain, more drops, and more footsteps. I took another step; I felt guilt, nerves, shocked that I was going to do this. I took another step; I could still hear the rain. The television was flashing lights across the room as if it was a disco. It was not a disco, discos are fun and exciting, this was not, and this was awful and upsetting. I knew I had to do this though, I had no choice. The rain drops got faster and faster, like my heartbeat.
She was breathing heavily, I think she was asleep. All these months of terror and fright was finally going to come to an end. Could I do this? Should I do this? Should I hurt her the way she hurt me?
I took another step, her breathing got louder and the smooth feeling of the knife rubbed against my thigh. I swallowed; I could not believe I was going to do this. Everyone always says that if someone hurts you, you should not retaliate. What do they know? They don’t know how much she hurts me. I don’t think she does it on purpose. This is irrelevant though. She makes me hate my life and dread waking up in the morning to find more bruises and cuts. I wish all this was just a dream. It is not a dream though, this is harsh reality.
She keeps telling me she is going to get help. She never has though and the attacks are getting worse. If I don’t do this now, it is going to carry on. It is going to get worse. I have no choice but to do this. I can’t go on living my life like this. It’s not fair.
She keeps telling me that I provoke the attacks. That is just rubbish. How can I? I don’t understand how I can do something to encourage this disturbing behaviour. That’s it! I can’t live my life in doubt anymore. I’m going to do this. She’s still sleeping. Now is my chance to end this nightmare.
I took another step, this was the final step, her loud breathing was pounding in my ears, and I couldn’t bare this anymore. I had to do it. I raised my arm and turned the knife so it was parallel to my waist. I stood behind her chair trembling with nerves. My mind was crammed with confusion. Should I do this?
I stepped in front of her to watch her sleep; she looked so peaceful and innocent. I could not go through with this. Maybe she will seek help. I must not provoke her. She doesn’t mean it. She doesn’t mean to hurt me. I cannot do this to the woman I love. It’s not fair on her, it isn’t her fault she has a problem.
I found myself just sitting there watching her sleep. I hid the knife under the chair and held her in my arms. We rested there together, peacefully.
