Generally, people think the only effect on the children is short-term sadness. It is obvious to be sad to see parents separating. Despite the obvious truth, there is more effect to just short-term sadness. According to Oregon Counseling, the impacts on children vary from their age, gender, maturity, and health (Oregon, 2007). Overall, at all ages all children do feel betrayed and insecure. If their stress is not properly handled, they start to blame themselves for the breaking up of their family; thinking it would be different if they behave better (Oesterreich, 1996). According to Dr. Heller, the first two years of the divorce is the most chaotic time (Heller, 2005). Summing up from the previous statement, from Oesterreich’s article stated, “Studies show that children experience the greatest impact from divorce within two or three years of its occurrence”. If you think having a divorce when your child is still an infant will make the situation less painful, you should think twice. As an infant and a toddler, even though they are too young to understand what is going on around them, they are still able to notice the changes that are occurring. Studies researched by Iowa State University informed infants and toddlers’ sleeping and toilet habits will change. They will also frequently throw temper tantrums and become fearful and insecure about being abandoned. The self-blame process starts to kick in starting from the age of preschoolers. They do not understand why their parents are separated and eventually takes the blame themselves. As they grow up into teens, their judgments toward their parents’ decision could become harshly (Oesterreich, 1996). Statements above are several impacts that can occur at different age of the children.
Divorce does affect the children strongly, but the impacts are not the same for both genders. The impacts can vary between the genders. For young boys, if they do not have their father with them, they lose a male role-model which makes it harder for them to cope with the divorce (Matthews, n.d.). Young boys also tend to become more aggressive with their peers, wanting their way and break down in tears when things do not work out (Heller, 2005). If the boy grew up without their father’s guidance, they tend to have hard time making male friends. As a result, they will spend more time with female friends which lead to sexual identity problems. Even though girls have lesser impact, but there are still a few. Kalter found higher rates of running away, substance abuse, and early sexual activity among girls (Zinsmeister, 1997). In their later life, they will be afraid to commit and trust their future spouse. Ever heard of the statement, “it takes time to heal” ? Time does heal certain pain, but it does not take away scars. Gallagher described these children as the permanently ‘scarred’ (Gallagher, 2003). The memories of the parents’ fail marriage will be back to haunt them which creates the fear of repeating the failure (Matthew, n.d.). I am sure no parents are willing to their own children make the same mistakes they did and go through the pain again.
Even as years pass by children still do wish for maintained relationship among the parents. From the data retrieved by Dr. Ahrons, after 20 years children still wish for their parents to get along. They long for a stable and good relationship with both parents. If the children grew up in the environment where their parents still fight after divorce, relationships between the child and parent can get affected too. To avoid conflicts one or the other parent would not be invited to a certain event (Ahrons, 2006). But doing such things does not necessarily always solve the problem. If another parent found out then the relationship could be worsen. In my opinion, since these situations are caused by the parents. The parents should be understanding and supportive in what the children wish for. That is one suggestion to parents who want to help their children handle the divorce better and feel less deceived.
Going through a divorce can be painful for the parent and it is normal to have the need to find someone to depend on and a shoulder to cry on. As a shortcut they think their children would be able to understand them the most. Nevertheless, the child is not the one to turn to, because they have their own stress to worry about. Things a parent should not do when raising a child alone is relying on the child to understand the stress and carry more burdens from the divorce. Most importantly, do not manipulate the relationships of the child with the other parent in order to get them to choose you. According to Dr. Deb Huntley, children do not want to be put in the middle of choosing (Meyer, 2010). Also remember not to argue with how the children should be feeling about this family issue (Oregon, 2007). As a parent there are many things they can do to help their children cope with the separation. Parents can seek outside help like an ideal prevention program that will help parents respond appropriately to children’s divorce-related concerns, maintain a good relationship after the divorce, and help ease the confusion and stress of the child. What they can do for their children are keeping them out of more parental conflicts and be aware of their feelings and what is going on in their lives (Matthews, n.d.). School plays a major role in this matter; parents should inform the school about the divorce, because in a time like this, the children needs extra care and support from those around them (Heller, 2005). It is also advised by Dr. Huntley that whatever routine or tradition created from before should be continued (Meyer, 2010).
In conclusion, divorce is not a small concern to the children. If the matter is not handle well, the children can be long-term traumatized or scarred. From low self-esteem, insecurity, and having hard time trusting others can be a problem in their life later on. Before the divorce, the parents can talk it out leaving no hard feelings and accept their children’s needs to maintain relationship with both parents (Tudor, 2009). During hard times, it is best not to depend on the child to help carry your stress. Instead, be the one to help carry their stress and understand their feelings. The parents can seek help from organization and get advice on how to help their children. Divorce can be an easy way out for couples who have lost intimacy between each other. But is that really a solution for the children? Think again. Divorce is not an issue for two people in a family, but it is an issue for the family as a whole. Even though the cause may be from the parents, but the aftermath have effects on the rest of the family too.
Reference
Ahrons, C. (2006). Family Ties After Divorce: Long-Term Implications for Children. Family Procress, 46. Retrieved from http://www.familieslink.co.uk/download/sept07/Family%20Ties%20After%20Divorce%20LongTerm%20Implications.pdf
Gallagher, Maggie. (2003). Divorce Harms Children. Opposing Viewpoints: The Family. Ed. Auriana Ojeda. San Diego: Greenhaven Press, 2003.
Heller, K. M. (2005). The Impact of Divorce on Children. Parenting and Marital Advice. Retrieved from http://www.drheller.com/impact_divorce.html#top
Matthews, D. (n.d.) Long-term Effects of Divorce on Children. North Carolina Cooperative Extension Service. Retrieved from http://www.ces.ncsu.edu/depts/fcs/pdfs/fcs482.pdf
Meyer, C. (2010).What does my child need most from me now that I am going through a divorce?. Going Through Divorce; A Child’s Perspective. Retrieved from http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/thechildsperspective/f/childseyes.htm
Oesterreich L. (1996). Divorce matter series, A child’s view. [Pm 1641]. Ames, IA: Iowa State University Extension.
Oregon. (2007). Understanding and Dealing with Children During Divorce. Oregon Counseling. Retrieved from http://www.oregoncounseling.org/Handouts/DivorceChildren.htm
Tudor, Darcia C. (2009). Mediated Divorce is Best for Children. Opposing View Points: Divorce. Ed. Mike Wilson. Detroit: Greenhaven Press, 2009.
Waldman, Steven. (1998). Divorce Harms Children. Opposing Viewpoints: Child Welfare. Ed. Carol Wekesser. San Diego: Greenhaven Press, 1998.
Zinsmeister, Karl. (1997). Divorce’s toll on Children. Current. Retrieved from http://find.galegroup.com/ovrc/infomark.do?&contentSet=IAC-Documents&type=retrieve&tabID=T002&prodId=OVRC&docId=A19381818&source=gale&srcprod=OVRC&userGroupName=mahidol&version=1.0
